Whos Afraid of Virginia Squirrel?
CONRAD: (emerging from the kitchen, through the dining room, to the living room, where his wife, EULALIA, is sitting at a desk, surfing the Net.)
Would you get off the fucking Internet, already?
EULALIA: (sitting at a desk in the living room, glazed eyes to the laptop screen.)
Love, dont swear so much. Im waiting for you to finish making the tea.
CONRAD: But you could be upstairs, preparing the nest, Momma, making it all nice and nesty for love cinema.
EULALIA: Nice and nasty?
CONRAD: No, nice and nesty. Like a birds nest. Nesty.
EULALIA: Big n Tasty?
CONRAD: No, nice and nesty.
EULALIA: Flaccid Placid?
CONRAD: Nice and Nesty. You are wasting time surfing Lame-O blogs on the Knot about home decorating.
EULALIA: Home decorating blogs are another kind of nesting technique. Im looking at ways to make our house more awesomer by peering into the lives of strangers compelled to post their most intimate home decorating ideas on the Knot. Actually, its not the Knot. I am not looking at a Knot blog. I am surfing a Nest blog.
CONRAD: And what, pray tell, is the difference between a Knot blog and a Nest blog?
EULALIA: Its ---
CONRAD: (interrupting) No! Wait! Dont tell me! Ones the Oh, I cant wait to get married blog. The other is the Oh, Im married, heres what my house looks like after a couple of trips to Target blog. Peer into my soon to be miserable life. The carpet matches the curtains."
EULALIA: (in French accent) Targ. But, yes, essentially. Its still nesting, all the same, love.
CONRAD: That it is, love. That it is. (withdrawing back into the kitchen.)
EULALIA: (aside) The beast and dragon withdraws.
CONRAD: (from the other room) WHAT?!
EULALIA: (loudly, for him to hear) I SAID FLACCID PLACID TURBID TURGID! Speaking of turgid, what is the menu tonight for love cinema?
CONRAD: (returning with a clear glass tea pot, dunking the tea bag)
A main course of Herzog, followed by a couple of Squirting Illustrateds for dessert.
EULALIA: Honey, Fitzcarraldo is sooo long. And its not even in English. Its subtitled. I dont want to have to read the movie.
CONRAD: (hurt) Momma, his name is Fitzgerald. He speaks English. Most of the time, I think. Sometimes. Then, fuck it. Lets just watch the Squirting Illustrateds. Ill let you behold my glorious manhood. Ill save some flavors in my flavor savor. Know what I mean, Momma?
EULALIA: You are filthy and disgusting. Did you pay your credit card bill?
CONRAD: (thinking) Credit card, credit card. Oh, yes, I did pay it because I needed extra postage for it and I stole a stamp from you a three-cent stamp. And twenty bucks.
EULALIA: You took twenty bucks from my purse? I will avenge, love. (standing abruptly) YOU HAVE MEDDLED WITH THE PRIMAL FORCES OF NATURE, MR. BEALE. AND YOU WILL ATTONE. (she pauses, awaits his grade of her Chayevsky performance)
CONRAD: B minus.
EULALIA: (outraged) It was a fucking A. A flat out fucking A. That's horseshit.
CONRAD: Don't swear so much, love.
null
CONRAD: (emerging from the kitchen, through the dining room, to the living room, where his wife, EULALIA, is sitting at a desk, surfing the Net.)
Would you get off the fucking Internet, already?
EULALIA: (sitting at a desk in the living room, glazed eyes to the laptop screen.)
Love, dont swear so much. Im waiting for you to finish making the tea.
CONRAD: But you could be upstairs, preparing the nest, Momma, making it all nice and nesty for love cinema.
EULALIA: Nice and nasty?
CONRAD: No, nice and nesty. Like a birds nest. Nesty.
EULALIA: Big n Tasty?
CONRAD: No, nice and nesty.
EULALIA: Flaccid Placid?
CONRAD: Nice and Nesty. You are wasting time surfing Lame-O blogs on the Knot about home decorating.
EULALIA: Home decorating blogs are another kind of nesting technique. Im looking at ways to make our house more awesomer by peering into the lives of strangers compelled to post their most intimate home decorating ideas on the Knot. Actually, its not the Knot. I am not looking at a Knot blog. I am surfing a Nest blog.
CONRAD: And what, pray tell, is the difference between a Knot blog and a Nest blog?
EULALIA: Its ---
CONRAD: (interrupting) No! Wait! Dont tell me! Ones the Oh, I cant wait to get married blog. The other is the Oh, Im married, heres what my house looks like after a couple of trips to Target blog. Peer into my soon to be miserable life. The carpet matches the curtains."
EULALIA: (in French accent) Targ. But, yes, essentially. Its still nesting, all the same, love.
CONRAD: That it is, love. That it is. (withdrawing back into the kitchen.)
EULALIA: (aside) The beast and dragon withdraws.
CONRAD: (from the other room) WHAT?!
EULALIA: (loudly, for him to hear) I SAID FLACCID PLACID TURBID TURGID! Speaking of turgid, what is the menu tonight for love cinema?
CONRAD: (returning with a clear glass tea pot, dunking the tea bag)
A main course of Herzog, followed by a couple of Squirting Illustrateds for dessert.
EULALIA: Honey, Fitzcarraldo is sooo long. And its not even in English. Its subtitled. I dont want to have to read the movie.
CONRAD: (hurt) Momma, his name is Fitzgerald. He speaks English. Most of the time, I think. Sometimes. Then, fuck it. Lets just watch the Squirting Illustrateds. Ill let you behold my glorious manhood. Ill save some flavors in my flavor savor. Know what I mean, Momma?
EULALIA: You are filthy and disgusting. Did you pay your credit card bill?
CONRAD: (thinking) Credit card, credit card. Oh, yes, I did pay it because I needed extra postage for it and I stole a stamp from you a three-cent stamp. And twenty bucks.
EULALIA: You took twenty bucks from my purse? I will avenge, love. (standing abruptly) YOU HAVE MEDDLED WITH THE PRIMAL FORCES OF NATURE, MR. BEALE. AND YOU WILL ATTONE. (she pauses, awaits his grade of her Chayevsky performance)
CONRAD: B minus.
EULALIA: (outraged) It was a fucking A. A flat out fucking A. That's horseshit.
CONRAD: Don't swear so much, love.
null
CONRAD: Alright, B plus. And get off the fucking internet, already. Tea is done. (He extends his empty hand to escort her upstairs, while she dims the lights.)
Can we watch the one on the dusty backroad?
EULALIA: Isn't that the one with the flies? You were nauseated by the flies, I remember.
CONRAD: Hey, keep your Dali outta my Freud, love. What do you think this is -- Spellbound?
EULALIA: About the spelling bee?
CONRAD: No, love. Gregory Peck and Ingrid Bergman, I think. Hitchcock. Those menacing stairs. Parallel lines, love. Parallel lines.
(All Exunt.)