So one of those depressed slumps... things that I thought I was long over just kinda hitting hard things I even forgot haunting again. Its amazing how places and situations ... hehe even smells can trigger the greatests of memories to the worst of them. It seems like every five minutes my mood changes, one minute I m doing great the next I cant grasp on to my own sanity. I have no ground to stand on here if feels like more of the time. I get by day to day I have new friends but I mlacking an anchor something to hold me to my ground Im just here cause I m here theres nothing holding me. There have been very few times in my life where I can say I was truely happy and an even shorter list of people that cause infuse that type of reaction out of me. I went so very long with out anything that when good came around again I should have listened to some old advice.. honsetly lol cant remember the exact words now but goes along the lines of hold something too tighly in your hand and it will slip away hold it with care and it wont.... it was told tome ina much more poetic and stabbing manner got to love break ups but its something that maybe I should have taken in a more general perspective and applied to other things. I feel that way about some old friends, no real reasoning why just feel that way. I usually trust my gut instinct I used to feel like it was always on point but lately I feel more like it just pushing me around making me more paranoid if anything. Paranoid and I dont even knwo what about just feel like it half the time lately. I m all sorts of jacked up lol. Tired of everyting I am. I feel like I keep moving away from the person I try and be hat Im not yself anymore. I ll hear myself asying or see my self doign things liek I m watching amovie and I just think thats not me why would I even say that or do that. I need to get a way from work and go home soon I think because I m losing myself it feels like. Theres a part of me the real me still within that I know because I know plainly and simply that good guy the nice guy the not so derranged psycho guy lol ... key words not so lol .... But yeah I really dont know what eating away at me so much and thats what is bothng me most thers just this bad afeeling and it depresses me out I sleep away way too much of the day when I do wake p I dont really do ush, I go out with the new friends and hal the time I just hink about the old and compare which is fair to the new but there are huge gaps in my social life now that are like a black hole within me . I dont even knoww hat I m saying anymore what the hell. haha ahh whatever.
-Spider
-Spider