This is something Ive been needing to get off my chest for a long time now. So where do I start? Well, how about the straight shoot. For those who havent seen me in a while, Ive recently separated myself from religion of Christianity altogether. Let me go ahead and start from the beginning.
Throughout my childhood, I was raised as a Lutheran. I went to church every Sunday, did the Sunday School thing, went on youth trips, conventions, prayed, sang hymns,you name it. So everythings going well so far, right? Wrong! Throughout my years in the Christian religion, I never once felt the presence of a Higher Being. I never once felt inspired, moved, joyful, spiritual, etc and it wasnt for the lack of trying or caring, I can promise you. Instead, I felt out of place, frustrated, stuck in an atmosphere that felt phony and overbearing, always afraid or ashamed of everything, paranoid, and yes, bored out of my mind. For so many years, I felt like there was something wrong and I was getting nowhere spiritually. I felt like the Bible and all its teachings were constantly being constantly shoved down my throat and that I was basically going through the motions to make everyone else happy. Overall, I felt like I was wasting my time and the sad part about all of this was that I didnt fully realize it. All I knew, at least in the back of my mind was that something felt wrong with all of this and I was afraid to admit to it. So what the hell was I so afraid of? Fear of God? Fear of Hell? Or maybe it was the fear of disappointing my family or getting pressured and chastised by every other Christian around me because I was the only one who didnt get it?
All of this realization didnt really hit me until a few years ago, when I was getting up one Sunday morning to go to a local church in San Francisco. I just remember while putting on my slacks and button up shirt, I stopped right there, thought about it for a sec and asked myself, What am I doing?, to which I answered, Getting dressed to go to church. to which I then asked, Why? And this time, be honest. Truthfully, I had no answer for that. Next question, Do you wanna be there? To which I truthfully responded, No. To be honest, I really never wanted to be there, no matter what church it was and no matter how much I wanted to believe otherwise. So I reversed gears, put my pajamas back on and went back to sleep. But it didnt end there.
Over the next subsequent months to years, I spent time asking myself more questions that I shouldve been asking for years:
1. What am I really getting out of this?
a. Answer: On a spiritual level, nothing.
2. How do I feel when Im in a religious environment? When I sing, pray, etc..
a. Well, pretty much explained that in the paragraphs above.
3. What is this really all about?
a. Answer: Dont know, to be honest.
4. How do I feel about how people preach these beliefs and how they treat others?
a. Answer: Truthfully, uneasy. (Ill get to that shortly.)
5. How do I feel about my beliefs? And are they even mine?
a. Answer: Dont know.
6. Do I believe in anything?
a. Answer: Well, truthfullyyes, I do. I just dont want to pretend I know who or what it is anymore or what it wants with me.
Going through all of this in my mind, I was finally admitting to a problem. This problem being that clinging to this religion so much has left me feeling lost, confused, frustrated, and even bitter. I decided that I really needed to physically and mentally step away from Christianity at least for a while to help clear my head and figure out if this was what I really needed. What I found during the past few years is me looking at a religion I was raised with all my life, though at times, still seeing the good that I was taught growing up but now seeing a dark side to this religion, which was supposed to be based on love. (Disclaimer: For those reading this, who might get offended by what I have to say, please keep in mind, that these are my thoughts and observations.)
Christianity seems to put out an image of good, clean, wholesomeness, based on teachings, or I would say, peoples different interpretations of the Bible, but often at the expense of what Christ taught. Throughout his life, he had taught us to Love one another as He had loved us or Love our neighbors as ourselves (also being the Golden Rule: Do unto others). You get the idea. Yet from this message of universal love, Ive seen separation, hatred, and even bigotry for the sake of whats right in the eyes of God.
I know too many people, many of whom were friends who have been marginalized and abused by their peers, businesses in their community, or even by family members, simply because they didnt follow what everyone else believed. Ive seen too many wars, from overseas to domestic battles justified, in the name of what peoples different views of who God is and what God wants. Then, there was the coup de grace: Prop 8, which was passed in, of all places, California. This being a new measure that if made into law would prohibit homosexuals from having the right to get married. Now whether you agree or disagree with how someone else lives and loves, thats your opinion. But when does taking that opinion and trying to impose it on others make any sense? Whatever happened to Do unto others as you would have them do unto you? Youre telling me that these people who voted this proposition in would actually want a group of others to one day take away their rights because they didnt share the beliefs of a majority? This is the way of showing Gods love to others by showing them that they are not equal with the moral majority because of how they feel? This was the last straw. Christianity, to me, seemed more fraudulent and confusing than ever and shortly after, I decided I can no longer have anything to do with that religion anymore.
So where does that leave me now? Do I still believe in a higher power? Do I believe in this being we label as God? By all rights and means, and after all this bullshit, I should probably say No. Yet, despite all of this, I cant shake the feeling that there is a driving force behind this entire universe and so far, thats my only comfort in all of this. (Hey, its a start.) However, I dont want to pretend anymore that I know who or what this being or force is or what He, She, or It is thinking. Im also sick and tired of being told what to believe and how to believe it. Im on a spiritual journey of my own. Where exactly its taking me, I have no idea for now, but I can say that I dont feel as lost as I did before. Who knows? It may end up leading me right back to Christianity againor maybe I should say, for the first time. To me, spirituality is a personal journey, rather than just some set of someone elses system of rules or practices to be followed, and especially pressured onto others. Dont get me wrong. If religion is your way to true spirituality, if it is whats right for you, then by all means do follow that path. But for those of us who feel its not, best thing we can do is to find our own path to the peace were looking for. Whatever path we take, I hope one day we can all stop letting our beliefs separate us from our humanity.
Ive finally said all of this because for the first time in my life, because I really needed to be honest about how I feel about where I stand spiritually. To me, thats the first step to true healing and one step closer to Godwhoever He or She may be.
Throughout my childhood, I was raised as a Lutheran. I went to church every Sunday, did the Sunday School thing, went on youth trips, conventions, prayed, sang hymns,you name it. So everythings going well so far, right? Wrong! Throughout my years in the Christian religion, I never once felt the presence of a Higher Being. I never once felt inspired, moved, joyful, spiritual, etc and it wasnt for the lack of trying or caring, I can promise you. Instead, I felt out of place, frustrated, stuck in an atmosphere that felt phony and overbearing, always afraid or ashamed of everything, paranoid, and yes, bored out of my mind. For so many years, I felt like there was something wrong and I was getting nowhere spiritually. I felt like the Bible and all its teachings were constantly being constantly shoved down my throat and that I was basically going through the motions to make everyone else happy. Overall, I felt like I was wasting my time and the sad part about all of this was that I didnt fully realize it. All I knew, at least in the back of my mind was that something felt wrong with all of this and I was afraid to admit to it. So what the hell was I so afraid of? Fear of God? Fear of Hell? Or maybe it was the fear of disappointing my family or getting pressured and chastised by every other Christian around me because I was the only one who didnt get it?
All of this realization didnt really hit me until a few years ago, when I was getting up one Sunday morning to go to a local church in San Francisco. I just remember while putting on my slacks and button up shirt, I stopped right there, thought about it for a sec and asked myself, What am I doing?, to which I answered, Getting dressed to go to church. to which I then asked, Why? And this time, be honest. Truthfully, I had no answer for that. Next question, Do you wanna be there? To which I truthfully responded, No. To be honest, I really never wanted to be there, no matter what church it was and no matter how much I wanted to believe otherwise. So I reversed gears, put my pajamas back on and went back to sleep. But it didnt end there.
Over the next subsequent months to years, I spent time asking myself more questions that I shouldve been asking for years:
1. What am I really getting out of this?
a. Answer: On a spiritual level, nothing.
2. How do I feel when Im in a religious environment? When I sing, pray, etc..
a. Well, pretty much explained that in the paragraphs above.
3. What is this really all about?
a. Answer: Dont know, to be honest.
4. How do I feel about how people preach these beliefs and how they treat others?
a. Answer: Truthfully, uneasy. (Ill get to that shortly.)
5. How do I feel about my beliefs? And are they even mine?
a. Answer: Dont know.
6. Do I believe in anything?
a. Answer: Well, truthfullyyes, I do. I just dont want to pretend I know who or what it is anymore or what it wants with me.
Going through all of this in my mind, I was finally admitting to a problem. This problem being that clinging to this religion so much has left me feeling lost, confused, frustrated, and even bitter. I decided that I really needed to physically and mentally step away from Christianity at least for a while to help clear my head and figure out if this was what I really needed. What I found during the past few years is me looking at a religion I was raised with all my life, though at times, still seeing the good that I was taught growing up but now seeing a dark side to this religion, which was supposed to be based on love. (Disclaimer: For those reading this, who might get offended by what I have to say, please keep in mind, that these are my thoughts and observations.)
Christianity seems to put out an image of good, clean, wholesomeness, based on teachings, or I would say, peoples different interpretations of the Bible, but often at the expense of what Christ taught. Throughout his life, he had taught us to Love one another as He had loved us or Love our neighbors as ourselves (also being the Golden Rule: Do unto others). You get the idea. Yet from this message of universal love, Ive seen separation, hatred, and even bigotry for the sake of whats right in the eyes of God.
I know too many people, many of whom were friends who have been marginalized and abused by their peers, businesses in their community, or even by family members, simply because they didnt follow what everyone else believed. Ive seen too many wars, from overseas to domestic battles justified, in the name of what peoples different views of who God is and what God wants. Then, there was the coup de grace: Prop 8, which was passed in, of all places, California. This being a new measure that if made into law would prohibit homosexuals from having the right to get married. Now whether you agree or disagree with how someone else lives and loves, thats your opinion. But when does taking that opinion and trying to impose it on others make any sense? Whatever happened to Do unto others as you would have them do unto you? Youre telling me that these people who voted this proposition in would actually want a group of others to one day take away their rights because they didnt share the beliefs of a majority? This is the way of showing Gods love to others by showing them that they are not equal with the moral majority because of how they feel? This was the last straw. Christianity, to me, seemed more fraudulent and confusing than ever and shortly after, I decided I can no longer have anything to do with that religion anymore.
So where does that leave me now? Do I still believe in a higher power? Do I believe in this being we label as God? By all rights and means, and after all this bullshit, I should probably say No. Yet, despite all of this, I cant shake the feeling that there is a driving force behind this entire universe and so far, thats my only comfort in all of this. (Hey, its a start.) However, I dont want to pretend anymore that I know who or what this being or force is or what He, She, or It is thinking. Im also sick and tired of being told what to believe and how to believe it. Im on a spiritual journey of my own. Where exactly its taking me, I have no idea for now, but I can say that I dont feel as lost as I did before. Who knows? It may end up leading me right back to Christianity againor maybe I should say, for the first time. To me, spirituality is a personal journey, rather than just some set of someone elses system of rules or practices to be followed, and especially pressured onto others. Dont get me wrong. If religion is your way to true spirituality, if it is whats right for you, then by all means do follow that path. But for those of us who feel its not, best thing we can do is to find our own path to the peace were looking for. Whatever path we take, I hope one day we can all stop letting our beliefs separate us from our humanity.
Ive finally said all of this because for the first time in my life, because I really needed to be honest about how I feel about where I stand spiritually. To me, thats the first step to true healing and one step closer to Godwhoever He or She may be.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
I know exactly what you mean by that... I had that little epiphany recently myself. Just kind of felt scared of damnation and Hell or whatever I was brought up to fear anytime I would truly ask myself if I believed. Not an easy thing to break away from if you've been indoctrinated into it for so many fucking years... well done.