blondie6666

There are times when I really hate the ability of empathy that I have. Not the watered down version that most people think of in mainstream society, but the actual ability of feeling what people feel. It is responsible for me randomly feeling down, angry, frustrated, or any number of other bad feelings. It manifests if, for example, I get accosted by some irate customer at work who has their mind dead set on berating someone for the lack of, oh say, macrame rope. This results in my feelings escalating through the roof and I find myself carried away on their bad feelings before I can erect any barriers. This hasn't happened in a while, thankfully. The benefit of my new, less customer oriented, position. The main thing I am thinking of right no is the total inability I have of blocking out the frustrations of my mate. Some people may dream about finding their soulmate and it is all flowers and birds singing romance. Nope! Sorry! Having the other half of your soul reattached is amazing and I would never trade it for anything. But it also means you are subjected to the foibles of experience the other half has. The baggage, the emotions, hang-ups, whatever. And it is nearly impossible to erect a personal shield against that because the feeling of being cut-off is too much to handle and increases the despondent feelings tremendously. So for the last few weeks I randomly get hit with "badness unhappy ick". I am trying to learn how to channel it into my art, but having the new roomie interrupt me several times last night sort of truncated that effort. I need to make a sign that says "Artist at work. Nothing is more important. Do not disturb". So what it amounted to was I wasted a bottle of wine that I was using to unwind and tap in. If you aren't an artist, this won't make any sense. But the anxiety I feel is not all because of him, I have to be fair. A lot of it is related to the need to get back into art. To rebuild my portfolio, to prove to myself, and maybe others that, yes, I am an artist. I have been so far away I have forgotten. I don't want anyone to get confused here. My spiritual bliss is intact. I have never loved anyone so much with my soul, I never thought it possible. I just need to nurture the part of my soul that I have been carrying around for 28 years.