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i kind of see that in Spooky as well. he thinks he has to use words like "dope" to get his message to a broader audience. I know he's from the streets and such, but he knows damn well what he's doing. I hate dumbing things down for people.

That one prof. of mine you met, Christian, he just goes through life pretending that everyone has a complete understanding of his music. He 1) never apologizes or tries to explain it 2) everything he plays he would do so in *any* venue 3) doesn't see any boundaries in music.

It took years and years and years to get this way, but he's a good example...even if he *did* give me a B+ -- that's got to be a mistake.

The day I met yr roomie Colin, I was spinning in the open quad area. We had these huge-ass speakers set up. I had never felt so powerful in my life. It was to advertise that "Crosstalk" show, and i was supposed to spin all this academic stuff that, though I love it, would totally frighten off all the students to the show. So, I started blasting Autechre, 606 and Squarepusher. I loved seeing people get excited about that stuff. Steve was on the other side of the place at a table and every time I saw his look of disapproval, I would hurry and switch to something else -- layer Stockhausen on top of Original Hamster. That was when I realized what a rediculous prick he is. He wants to get academic music out there, but he's trying to do it to the masses who would best be eased into it.

I've contradicted myself here a few times, but whatev. I had two people that day get excited and tell me that they had never, ever thought they would hear Squarepusher at BYU so take that, weasel.


[Edited on May 01, 2003]

re: being tired of talking about/looking for identity---

it really does get to be much less of an issue as you get older. when i got to be about 34, i really got comfortably settled into not giving a shit about anyone else's opinions about my choices or views. i don't even like having a conversation about topics like those questions you mention, because all it ever is, is people trying to validate themselves and/or convince others of their views--which i guess is the ultimate validation. i just don't see the purpose of people exchanging opposing opinions, and then spending hours debating the issue, only to end up exactly where they started, but now irritated with the other person. yes, i have learned some things by hearing others' views, but overall it is not worth the grief. i'm happiest to just have my beliefs (or non-beliefs) about things, and just be on my way. and, the hardest part, but the most important, is to not give more weight to others' commentaries about me-- or anything for that matter--than is productive and positive for me. it's important to know my limit, and remove myself from situations accordingly.

re: love

falling in love, for me, is about the future. it's about possibilities and optimism.

Selected Ambien...does not work...caffeine crash today...damn that Juice and Java...their chai is too delicious and I must partake.

Catpower makes me too sad.

did you know that if you type "morgen wird wie heute sein" (in quotes) in a google search, you will instantly find a list of links that each tell you it means "tomorrow will be today". just doin' my homework to keep up with ya.

'n shit

i change my profile all the time because kid always did, and i thought that was cool--that's part of why i liked him. (before i posted to his journal--when i was just observing the genius in action...haha) it's a lot of fun.

i like your writing. you express your thoughts well.

when i was a little invisigirl, and a girl scout, i spent a day at an "old folks home". i will never forget the old man i had to feed. he just sat there in his chair, and i fed him like a baby, but the thing that has always stayed with me is that he said "thank you" after every single bite i fed him. a bite of food-- "thank you", bite of food--"thank you", bite of food--"thank you"....... that's gotta be bizarre, to be unable to feed yourself, and have children, so innocent and full of hope, totally unaware that this will one day be them, come and feed you. and, yet, he was apparently very appreciative, maybe even apologetic. man, it's horrible to think that he felt any need to apologize for needing to be fed.

on a lighter note, and still relating to your story, i babysat my little nephew when he was only um, i don't know, one year old, or something--not old enough to talk yet, but old enough to understand some things. i didn't have a clue what he wanted or needed, and the amazing thing is that we were able to communicate through just "yes" or "no" questions. he couldn't tell me what he wanted, but he could nod yes or no. I would ask him "more milk?" and he would nod no. I would say "more french fries?" and he would nod yes. I felt so proud, like i invented communication or something! ha

yes, what she said...

just stopping by to say hi.
i hope you're not still out riding your bike! haha
i think you're the only person under 30 that i've heard say "hooded sweatshirts", not "hoodies". you really ARE a rebel, blank! (can i call you "blank", since we go way back?) ok, enough procrastination. time to kick ass on my homework.
enjoy your saturday.

No, I better not. i still have to pack and get all my shit together. Sorry, but I'm going to write stuff on the trip and bring back for your glitchy approval.

HEY!
are you who i think you are? it's nice to meet you!
i feel like i know you already from the stories....

you are talking about godard's breathless, i presume. were you the one talking about the french new wave the other night? i had a class about that in college. cool.

the amazing thing about our brains is that we can "unlearn" anything that has been programmed into us, and replace it with that which will make us happy/fulfilled/content/healthy. taking a better path for yourself is not rebellion, it's just, simply, taking a better path for yourself.

see ya 'round!