bladez

Ok, so getting back into drugs isn't my proudest moment, but sometimes it's the only way to deal with some things. Insomnia for one....and depression for the other. Yea, I'm slipping back into my depressed state again, where I don't want anything to do with anything or anyone. I feel like I've moved backwards in my life, despite starting to take night classes and having a job I like, etc. At work it's different tho. I'm able to focus on my task at hand. The job that's in front of me. As soon as I leave the store tho, the darkness comes back into my life. I no longer have to focus on getting things done for other people. The time is mine and I have no ambishion (sp?) to do anything with it. I've gone back to the point where the only place I ever want to be is in my room, shut off from the world. I'm to depressed to go out and meet people. I have absolutely no interest in meeting people. The 2 potential relationships I could have had in the last 4 months are long gone, mostly because I just have no interest in them any more. As far as things with me and Jennifer go, it's the same thing. It feels like we've reverted to the state we were at this time last year. Like what we obtained during my time with her is gone. The distance hasn't been easy on either one of us. I like to think we're still at the level we were at in August, but something tells me we're not. When I talk to her it's not the same as it used to be. Granted, the only time I'm really able to talk to her is when she's at work and online, so I know that she's got more important things to do than talk to me, so I don't expect things to be the way they were. But even when I phoned her on X-mas something sounded different. I dunno...maybe I'm just crazy. Hopefully this summer I'll be able to make it down there to see her again and all of these thoughts will be destroyed. We'll see. I guess it depends on if/when I can get time off, if/when she can get time off and if she wants me to be there. Fuck, whatever. Just ignore this whole fucking entry. I'm just trying to clear my thoughts and offset my depression. Not working. All this fucking emo bullshit I'm spewing out is just crap. Nevermind. Maybe it's time for a couple of hoots and hopefully some sleep.