bladez

So I'm back...but only because I need to vent.

I'm really full of doubt about what I'm doing right now. Does it seem obsessive that Jennifer is the only girl I want to be with right now. I really want to get down to Missouri for her birthday, but she's not sure it'd be a good idea. She doesn't know if she'd be able to pick me up from the airport because of the weather down there. So I might end up spending a weekend stuck in the terminal. Should I be this serious about a girl that I've only spent 10 days with. Granted, I've known her for 10+ years, and even before meeting her in person I knew I loved her. I want to wait for her, but what happens if I end up waiting forever. I don't know how long she'll wait for me, but I can't blame her if she moves on to somebody else. When I first got back to Calgary, not a minute went by that I didn't think of her. And I was talking to her on a daily basis. Now the phone calls have had to stop, because of her new job. I still think of her all the time, and still can't get her off my mind, does that seem unhealthy and obsessive to anyone? Originally she was going to save up money to make it up here for the end of Sept - mid October. But due to circumstances beyond her control, she was unable to make the trip. And now it seems that her trip up here is getting farther and farther away. Should I continue on the path I'm on, or should I shut myself off again and drift away. Look for something here in Calgary. Even though I know that nothing I find here in town will be comparable to the way I feel about Jennifer. I feel like she's drifting away from me. I feel like she's indifferent about seeing me. I feel like I've lost her. I don't know if I'm right on any of this or not, it's just all the shit that's going through my head and my heart right now. I pray that I'm wrong. I pray that nothing has changed between the way we feel about eachother. I pray that I get to see her soon. And I hope this doesn't seem obsessive. I know how much she loves her new job, and I'm happy that she's enjoying it so much and I don't want to take her away from something that makes her so happy, but at the same time, I want her to be here with me. Or me there with her. But I feel that I wouldn't be able to settle into that enviroment. I've spent my whole life in a big(ish) city, I couldn't leave this lifestyle. And with my attitude and mouth I don't know how I would last living in the States. That's why I want her to either move here, or for both of us to move to Europe. But with me starting school again in January, moving isn't an option for me right now. She was looking into going to school here, but I don't think that's actually going to go anywhere, but I'd love it if she did. I wish I could find a way to make this work. I wish I could see here tonight. I wish I could talk to her tonight. I need answers before I loose myself again. I need to know how she feels about me and where she sees things going between us. Maybe I'm just nutz. But some of the things that have happend in my life lately have filled me with doubt about a lot of things. This is one of them, and because she's one of the most important people in my life right now, I had to vent about this. All the other doubts I have I can keep inside and figure out on my own, but this one hurts...Again I say, I hope I'm wrong. I just need to find a way to reach her and get some answers. I'm even questioning her B-day present, which I shouldn't. I want her to have it, but I don't know if she wants it...I guess I'll just have to see what happens and try not to beat my head against the wall to much...but if anyone can offer enlightenment, please do!