25th December 2002
Another lonely Xmas over. I ate, I chucked. Then I wanted to punish myself but I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself. So I just got angry. So. Here I am. And this means nothing now and it won't represent anything later. They all just say its the teenage years. But it's not, it's more. It's darker and scarier. It's horrible. What if these feelings never leave?(edit)
25th December 2003
...And if we'd ever been together,
the hurt of after would have been worse,
but knowing you're the closest I've trusted,
is difficult to accept.
When you can't do the friendship you wanted,
and I've found no alternative yet,
when I crave to be back where I feel I'm achieving,
but hate not seeing you still.
I just don't know what I'm wanting,
so I guess it's cool you let me go.
...I'm young yet I'll find what I'm searching,
hopefully soemone will look with me
but as for now I'll just keep plodding
Independent will just have to be me.
25th December 2004
When I think of the girl you met
Fresh seventeen, mouth angry set,
The lonliness...you couldn't see.
And all the stupid things I've said
Or done as I've grown in the head,
Then wonder why you went away.
I never came to find you
Or text, without you first.
I never asked anything from you
-So why do I stand with the thirst
For what never was?
Do you remember how I stood
And hid within myself?
Could you see my averted eyes?
-an attempt to escape from self
Into something beautiful,
Something that you may want to see.
Something that may catch your eye,
make you smile and wonder,
even for the shortest while.
25th December 2005
There was a time not so long ago
Where you smiled to see yourself grin
Eyes didn't halt in the look of sadness
Teeth fix on lip in determined bid.
There was time you breathed and were happy,
To feel a knot of muscle there.
Where going out was enjoyment,
To flirt your see through bones bare.
There was a time
There was a time
These are no lines of nostalgia.
There was a time
there will be again,
If you'd only try a little bit harder.
25th December 2006
Where to start, once more,
On a subject of letting go.
Learning to be myself,
Not letting the shit show.
Running free, holding tight
Letting my heart open free.
Somehow witholding defensives,
so black days are small in number;
Looking on a positive side
Not letting people in the way.
Thrusting on ambition,
Numero uno and nothing besides.
Go down the gym, drink some cocktails,
Dress up to the nines in designer.
Drive an eco-car, consume organic,
Marks and Spencers farquar,
Go for promotion to fuel your wallet,
Spend without consideration.
Subscribe to charities, in case anyone asks,
Prowl, settle and marry your other version.
Have the children, get some dogs,
Bake cupcakes and join the school club.
And so, prattle on, ticking the boxes,
Of all the things we should be,
Sit back at 80, examine neat albums,
Feel pleased; you've done it all.
Many a man fails to secure such a fate,
Rest easy now, well done.
To leave a life by a window,
peering over some water,
squinting through faded eyes,
a little too smudged with nostalgia.
-A tall lady with a closed album,
and a cold pot of tea.
Listen to the nurses whispering at the door
"But my, I'm sure she's happy,
How on earth couldn't she be?"
Another lonely Xmas over. I ate, I chucked. Then I wanted to punish myself but I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself. So I just got angry. So. Here I am. And this means nothing now and it won't represent anything later. They all just say its the teenage years. But it's not, it's more. It's darker and scarier. It's horrible. What if these feelings never leave?(edit)
25th December 2003
...And if we'd ever been together,
the hurt of after would have been worse,
but knowing you're the closest I've trusted,
is difficult to accept.
When you can't do the friendship you wanted,
and I've found no alternative yet,
when I crave to be back where I feel I'm achieving,
but hate not seeing you still.
I just don't know what I'm wanting,
so I guess it's cool you let me go.
...I'm young yet I'll find what I'm searching,
hopefully soemone will look with me
but as for now I'll just keep plodding
Independent will just have to be me.
25th December 2004
When I think of the girl you met
Fresh seventeen, mouth angry set,
The lonliness...you couldn't see.
And all the stupid things I've said
Or done as I've grown in the head,
Then wonder why you went away.
I never came to find you
Or text, without you first.
I never asked anything from you
-So why do I stand with the thirst
For what never was?
Do you remember how I stood
And hid within myself?
Could you see my averted eyes?
-an attempt to escape from self
Into something beautiful,
Something that you may want to see.
Something that may catch your eye,
make you smile and wonder,
even for the shortest while.
25th December 2005
There was a time not so long ago
Where you smiled to see yourself grin
Eyes didn't halt in the look of sadness
Teeth fix on lip in determined bid.
There was time you breathed and were happy,
To feel a knot of muscle there.
Where going out was enjoyment,
To flirt your see through bones bare.
There was a time
There was a time
These are no lines of nostalgia.
There was a time
there will be again,
If you'd only try a little bit harder.
25th December 2006
Where to start, once more,
On a subject of letting go.
Learning to be myself,
Not letting the shit show.
Running free, holding tight
Letting my heart open free.
Somehow witholding defensives,
so black days are small in number;
Looking on a positive side
Not letting people in the way.
Thrusting on ambition,
Numero uno and nothing besides.
Go down the gym, drink some cocktails,
Dress up to the nines in designer.
Drive an eco-car, consume organic,
Marks and Spencers farquar,
Go for promotion to fuel your wallet,
Spend without consideration.
Subscribe to charities, in case anyone asks,
Prowl, settle and marry your other version.
Have the children, get some dogs,
Bake cupcakes and join the school club.
And so, prattle on, ticking the boxes,
Of all the things we should be,
Sit back at 80, examine neat albums,
Feel pleased; you've done it all.
Many a man fails to secure such a fate,
Rest easy now, well done.
To leave a life by a window,
peering over some water,
squinting through faded eyes,
a little too smudged with nostalgia.
-A tall lady with a closed album,
and a cold pot of tea.
Listen to the nurses whispering at the door
"But my, I'm sure she's happy,
How on earth couldn't she be?"