afternoon ....
i've been spending a lot of time sorting stuff out at home and with myself lately so it was really nice last night to get down the pub for a couple with my favourite man (the semi-ex) and two of his friends. it's only now that i realise how much i took for granted the immediate accessibility of friends at university, and how often we would slump onto a bar stool after a hard day at uni
it's good though i guess, my liver is probably less damaged and i really begin to crave that first cold sip of alcohol...... 
anyways, after the pub time i did manage to have a word with said man about the prospect of me moving away. i've been having a hard time finding work, despite applying for lots of places, and i'm not sure what i'm doing wrong but it's definately getting me down. i'm suspecting its a lack of office experience (damn those retail jobs) and the fact i'm a wretched fresh graduate but i'm currently torn between moving to the big cities and being amist all the related opportunities, or staying where i am, gaining some office experience and progressing when i feel a bit more self assured. what with university and travelling i haven't been in one grounded place for such a long time and i really want to just settle now, be able to decorate a flat and get involved with my neighbourhood and a community and stuff. instinct tells me to move out of the town and explore my options, but the shy side of me just wants to be back on familiar ground....and near a guy that i'm crazy about.
rubbish eh? i felt good being able to talk to him about it, we've been through quite an emotional load in the past six months but i think we understand each other better now and can read what's not being said just as clearly.
its been so painful over the past few months to accept that i haven't meant as much to him as other people, and possibly never could, and that i will have to attempt to force my feelings into a friendship mould or live without him in my life. i guess that's just a form of unrequited love though, and i'm managing to keep my brave little face on which is the important thing because my feelings will change with time. apparently.
he said to go, i think he feels i'll have more chance of being successful/ happy (true) and i think we both know we need to have some space to move on without the other. but....then i'm scared (of what? don't know) and can't help but think i'm over romanticising the solution this shift of area will provide. i've moved before, and nothing really changes it's just a different tesco and odd accents. i won't become the woman i would like to be, i will still miss the same people and could potentially become a puppet making hermit!! arguably of course this all down to the positive/ negative mind frame you choose to live in.
i just can't help but feel that although i'm leaving for good reasons, they're also the very reasons to stay. because it's your friends and company that make your day to day grind bearable, and if i lose that i can't see how happiness will be any nearer within my grasp- bright lights or no lights. i'm not sure what i want right now, and everything's pointing to throwing away the one bit of security i have....*sigh.
i've been spending a lot of time sorting stuff out at home and with myself lately so it was really nice last night to get down the pub for a couple with my favourite man (the semi-ex) and two of his friends. it's only now that i realise how much i took for granted the immediate accessibility of friends at university, and how often we would slump onto a bar stool after a hard day at uni
it's good though i guess, my liver is probably less damaged and i really begin to crave that first cold sip of alcohol......
anyways, after the pub time i did manage to have a word with said man about the prospect of me moving away. i've been having a hard time finding work, despite applying for lots of places, and i'm not sure what i'm doing wrong but it's definately getting me down. i'm suspecting its a lack of office experience (damn those retail jobs) and the fact i'm a wretched fresh graduate but i'm currently torn between moving to the big cities and being amist all the related opportunities, or staying where i am, gaining some office experience and progressing when i feel a bit more self assured. what with university and travelling i haven't been in one grounded place for such a long time and i really want to just settle now, be able to decorate a flat and get involved with my neighbourhood and a community and stuff. instinct tells me to move out of the town and explore my options, but the shy side of me just wants to be back on familiar ground....and near a guy that i'm crazy about.
rubbish eh? i felt good being able to talk to him about it, we've been through quite an emotional load in the past six months but i think we understand each other better now and can read what's not being said just as clearly.
its been so painful over the past few months to accept that i haven't meant as much to him as other people, and possibly never could, and that i will have to attempt to force my feelings into a friendship mould or live without him in my life. i guess that's just a form of unrequited love though, and i'm managing to keep my brave little face on which is the important thing because my feelings will change with time. apparently.
he said to go, i think he feels i'll have more chance of being successful/ happy (true) and i think we both know we need to have some space to move on without the other. but....then i'm scared (of what? don't know) and can't help but think i'm over romanticising the solution this shift of area will provide. i've moved before, and nothing really changes it's just a different tesco and odd accents. i won't become the woman i would like to be, i will still miss the same people and could potentially become a puppet making hermit!! arguably of course this all down to the positive/ negative mind frame you choose to live in.
i just can't help but feel that although i'm leaving for good reasons, they're also the very reasons to stay. because it's your friends and company that make your day to day grind bearable, and if i lose that i can't see how happiness will be any nearer within my grasp- bright lights or no lights. i'm not sure what i want right now, and everything's pointing to throwing away the one bit of security i have....*sigh.
triptick:
This is an interesting blog. I can't believe that at 21 you feel world weary and ready to settle down. From the other side of the hill my recommendation (if you check my profile you'll see what a long distance yalp that is) I recommend moving. I say this for one reason - your friends and family will always be your friends and family. Once you setlle and stop travelling you lose precious opportunities to met diverse friends. Unless you live in a port town, LOL. I say expose yourself to the world. You can settle down any time but in my experence and from what I've seen in other people, once you settle down it's hard to get moving again. Responsibilities and obligations set in. Explore while you're young and do as much as you can so that a) you'll carry that sense of fullness with you into your settled life and b) once you're settled you'll never look back and say jeez, I wish when I was younger I had . . . 
lily:
