blackberrie

***EDIT***
i want to thank EVERYONE for their words on my blog and this crappy situation that is 'life'... but i have to share these videos that my friends tim and chris from home sent me to cheer me up... theyre hilarious and you all should enjoy.






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Ahhh!! I can't sleep at night anymore... SO many things are running through my head... please read #4 atleast...

#1- I need a fucking job, STAT...

#2- All i can think about is different ideas for sets!!! not like im ever gonna finally find a fucking photographer... but then when i wake up in the morning and come on here to search for them to see ive theyve been done... THEY HAVE BEEN! and probably better!! I just wanna get a fucking set taken... WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE IN GHETTO MCSHITHOLE WHERE THERE ARE NO GOOD ARTISTIC NON-SKETCHY PHOTOGRAPHERS?!? i should just take the fucking set myself...

#3- I realized... i cannot fucking trust ANYONE... mostly females... but seriously... i have to admit it. because of my past of being treated like complete crap and constantly cheated on and mind fucked.... ANY SECOND theres another chick in the room with my husband my mind goes fucking WILD with obsene thoughts!! "Theyre flirting with their eyes!" "why is he so close to her?" "so what if shes married or dating.. i know she cheats, get her the fuck OUT OF HERE!!!" (<-that info curtesy of the fucking psycho military life...) I EVEN DO THIS WITH MY BEST FEMALE FRIENDS!! EVEN THE LESBIAN ONCES!!!!! BUT im usually REALLY GOOD at hiding this!! I know its psycho thought and theyre most always NOT TRUE ('cept for when there are sluts around that see a wedding ring as a challenge...) So recently... i havent been able to hold in my crazy as much... i tell my husband my thoughts and i let him know that i realize its just insane obscure rediculous not-even-possible events... but they run through my mind like its a fucking race to see how fast i can get angry... I dont know... im sick of always being worried and i dont want it to get any worse... i need to fix myself, STAT...

and then... #4- I just found out yesterday that one of my girlfriends back home was in the car with her boyfriend (who she is totally in love with and as i hear he was amazing to her... and an amazing person in general) and they were driving a few nights ago... now up in philly theyve been having some icy (not full on accumulative snow... ) but bad weather. We'll, the car lost control, got toalled, and they got taken to the hospital... He died in the hospital and she suffered a couple injuries... This blew my fucking mind. To be there, so in love, in the same car, no worries in the world--only happiness and love on your mind--and then BOOM... gone. Taken away? What is life trying to show us? She is a very strong woman and I truely believe she will come out of this on the other side even stronger and even beter person... I could not imagine this happening to me... I've been crying off and on since i heard this because i cant stop thinking about her, about how fucked up life is sometimes, and thinking of how i would be if it happened to me... It's just so incomprehensible to me at the moment that I have no idea how i would react.. Would i ever move on? Would i want to? Would i ever be able to fall in love again? Suicide? Right now in my life, i would probably explode into a fire of depression and destroy everything in my path...
I usually have a better time with death... you know, "without death you cannot appreciate life" is my moto... But for some reason this particular situation is really getting to me... I can't explain it.. but i need to talk about it.
Just please everyone, appreciate LOVE and always wear your SEATBELTS...