bizarre

Hello friends...specially my beloved enola, I am BACK!!!!
back from my trip to south of switzerland ( border with Italy)...
I went to my hometown see my beloved grandparents and unfortunatly also the fuckin' dentist...
My mouth is sore and I am feelin wierd sice a few days...
Really, really wierd fuckin things happend...
I am kind of freakd out...
hmmm....well this is were i come from...














....and this is what I wrote and how I felt on thursday, the last night I was there....

She was scared. A feeling of emptiness was taking over.
Fear of loss.
Fear of love.
She was scared.
scared of loosing the pople she loved.
What I am goinig to do without them? she tought.
I'LL be lost.
I wish I could keep them healty and alive forever.
My beloved gradparents....
I would give my life and my soul for them. Evrything, to see them happy, healty and alive.
Ouh, god, I wish I could stop thinking. My tooth stoped hurting but not my heart.
I miss my familiy. I hate this distance. I need to be colse to them .
I need to show them and give them my love and greatfullness.
Tears. Tears are about to flow on her face. Salty tears.
My heart feels heavy like a stone. i now why, and it scares me.
Will' I be strong enough?
I am now, because I have their support, but will I be as strong without them?
I am afraid not....
So many memories of the past. Falsh backs. Constant falsh backs, of all the stuff i tried to forget
and that I SomehowI don't wanna be reminded of...
But it's all here, like it happend yesterday.
And my heart feels heavy.
I should sleep. Sleep is a good way to forget, a good way not to think....
but can i sleep?
no, my heart is to heavy, my head to full. All this memories storming trough my mind taking my breath away. I need to breath...
I just got here and its allready gone.
Tomorrow I'll be sitting in a train on my way back to zrich and evrything is going to be normal agian....
or mabye not....
I think I may have realized something I have tried to "repress" for a long time for some strage reason.
WHAT a fuck is my problem??????
Why did I drifted so far away from my family and beloved ones?
I think I now why..................
It's hard for me to put it into words....
Damed, My heart. What is this feeling in my heart?
I keep saying heavy, but heavy it's not the right world for it....
It feels more like it's screaming, screaming for somehing, for love mabye.
ouh shit. what a hell???!!!?????
I hate this.... I dranked toooooo much...to much fuckin grappa....
like water....holy water...
gave my a really nice high, quite clear and bright...( if you now what i meen) but now that I 'm alone it's almoust a bitt much....
I'am too clear. I would prefer not tooo feel anything not to think anything....
That's probably the reason why I do what I do in my life....
zum mich betuben um nichts zu fhlen, vorallem den schmertz, die sehensucht und die melanchoinie....
that's it....
sospiri....
Abbracciami forte. Ti prego....non mi lasciare mai...
ma purtroppo il mai inestistente.
come le parole per esprimere quello che provo , sono inesistenti.

This week was special. exteramly special. I had a lot of time to think....almoust tooo much. THAt's way i am writing now.
I had to get it out of me somehow.....


sorry about the misspellings....and so...

lot of love to you all