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Canada

Member Since 2003

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Tuesday May 20, 2003

May 19, 2003
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it's 4am here. and i can't fucking sleep... i've never used one any sort of online journal and have not written in a diary since i was... 13 maybe. but shit i think it's time i start again.

i am feeling so... miss placed or lost in my skin. trapped in a loop in my mind of just turning things over and over and not being able to get out of it (hence the journal entry). i am just so lost in my life.

i want to do something with myself (i am currently un-employed and living of the last pennies of a severence package from my former employer)... but i have no idea what or the energy and motivation to do it. and i'm not only talking about what i want to do with my life in the long term but what the hell to fill my coming days.

i spent this weekend with a girl that i've had a crush on for probably over a year but never spent any time with due to the fact that i was in a relation ship with a girl whom i love very much, but just moved to a new city and so that we broke up. so this other girl came to visit (actualy i went back to my former home town to pick her up and bring her back here for a visit, which is also kinda wacky... essentialy, going back to see a different girl from the city where i left another girl because of the distance thing, but the new girl is also moving to london in a few weeks so i figure that makes it make sense). but i've always felt such a click with this girl that i could not let her move away for a few years without... going for it, even if just for a weekend... and hot damn i am glad i did. best weekend of almost 2nd base ever. lol. so, she then left earlier that i expected (the evening before the morning when i thought she was gonna head home), so that sucked, and bummed me out super hardcore... and i've been out for the whole nite, and far too late into the morning. she is back home to a very busy few weeks at her job and then packing up to move to london to be a au-pear for a year then to travel for at least a year i believe, which is amazing... but it made me feel like crap as i have nothing going on. fuck. i felt totaly out done by her when i thought about it (not to be ment at all in a competitive way... and i know she would not think that, more in a the meaning of... "what do i have to even make myself interesting"), i just felt lame.

so i dunno... yea. this was starting to make me feel better... then the end kinda sucked. ha

and... so, um, sorry to anyone who actualy read this it was an extremly random tangent filled rant. but it kinda cleared my head a little.

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