bixbygrendel

BEFORE READING!!!!! Yes, I'm quite okay. And Dusty, I'm still happy, so still yay. This journal however... needed to be shared.

Bring me joy and soothe my pain. Make everyone who's hurt me go away.
Give me sunshine, be my ray. Show me the new day, so that I can stay.


The following is a conversaiton I just had with a friend. She's quite young. Awfully sheltered. Very curious. She comes to me for help, guidance and what have you. It's a little long. Worth it if you wanna know more about me.

Dawn says:
do u still think about drugs
BiXbY says:
Yes and no. Not like I used to. But I kinda always will.
Dawn says:
whats herion like
BiXbY says:
Bad
Dawn says:
is the high fun
BiXbY says:
No. Nothing about drugs was ever fun. It was just better than knowing what was going on.
Dawn says:
i would never do it...i figured it would have to be pretty awsome to even consider trying it
BiXbY says:
Well it's bad. There's nothing good about it at all. It kills fast. Causes all kinds of permanent damage after every use.
BiXbY says:
And it makes you nothing.
Dawn says:
wut do u mean
BiXbY says:
Other than puke on your self and watch it run down you as you sit and dream of better things. Starring at the waste you've let yourself become and feeling death tapping you on shoulder. And it's not heaven you're going to.
BiXbY says:
That's what it's like.
Dawn says:
holly that doesnt sound like fun
BiXbY says:
It's not. It makes you do bad things. I was already doing bad things. It made me willing to do worse.
Dawn says:
wut kind of things
BiXbY says:
Hurting people. People who would threaten your fix, or try to stop you. Arrest you. Help you. Doing what you had to in order to get more. Usually violence or threats of violence with me anyway. I got really good at being really bad really fast. I hurt alot of people. Bad.
Dawn says:
i was watching this show actually and he was a herione addict i forget what it was called..it was a realty show kinda and he would borrow money from his sister for herione and when she wouldnt give it to he'd get really mad and tell her she was useless...he just didnt care
BiXbY says:
Yeah. Everything on TV still makes it look not so bad.
BiXbY says:
They never show the bad ones.
BiXbY says:
Like me.


My drug days left me with many scars. A large amount of damage internally and externally. Everyday of my life hurts. Every night... terrifying. Some sins are understated. Some are repressed. Some are so terrible that I think about them and see them when I try to sleep.
I'm still here.
I'm not that monster.
I am me, and I'm the best damn me I can be.
And I'm sorry.

I hate talking about my past.
Why can't it just stay back there?

"The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. I try to kill it all away, but I remember.... everything."