bittersweetdream

So... things went from bad to worse pretty quickly. Shortly after my last blog entry, my hunny and my dad got into fisticuffs with each other. It was really horrible! Hunny's meds were completely off and my dad decided to get physical at the name calling stage. So, since I'm still with my hunny, my entire family has ostracized me and won't have anything to do with me, except my dad, who tried to rip me off a few times and has finally stopped that nonsense. Can't get blood from a rock, y'know!

After that, we had to deal with the hospital and the courts - still dealing with that. Dad moved out ASAP, so then we had to move out, too. Ended up not being able to pay a single cent towards September's rent... that really sucked. I've never bailed on a place without paying my rent before! I was hoping the Security Deposit would cover it, but it turns out there were all these nonrefundable fees I didn't know about. That's what I get for letting someone else pick the house and landlord and sign the lease.

So, the Tarot Site I've been working on is pretty swell and I'm very pleased with that, and I started a gig at kgb_ which goes from interesting to exciting to dull to exhausting to obnoxious and back again, depending on the day. Since the fisticuffs, my anxiety and depression has been at an all-time high. My previous counselor thought I had PTSD and now my new one has given me a preliminary diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (moderate/recurrent) and PTSD. Things just keep getting better and better! I've also retained a lawyer for my disability claim, so in 14-18 months maybe something will happen. And maybe the PTSD will make itself useful that way.

Since we had to move we moved up to where hunny's family is, which, as it turns out, is a WONDERFUL place! Cute little town with just 50k people in it. There's no traffic, ever, people are nice and friendly, we have a nice place to live in for a reasonable amount, there's a park across the street and everything we need is within a mile of our home! Yay! And we got October for free, so that worked out well. Hunny's still looking for a job, though, so November is questionable. I'm having a hard time doing the Tarot/kgb_ thing - my anxiety is just too terrible and the very thought makes me want to run away and hide forever. I don't know if I'm ever going to get over that.

I was feeling pretty good a couple weeks ago and thought I'd start shooting Halloween stuff again. There are a LOT of models interested in working with me on this, but after this weekend, I doubt I'll be up to it. So now I have to cancel on all of them and I SOOOO don't want to deal with that!

I've deleted my sets for now. I'm tired of hearing about how fat I am, both here and elsewhere. I did post some tutorials on spell casting and witchcraft up on YouTube and am still shocked by how many guys have to comment on my weight. Herro? AND - OMG - I had an old 'friend' from the past who I finally found and dropped a note to and was completely chewed out by and told to never contact again - anyways, he tracked down my videos on YouTube, used my REAL NAME (which sucks - I'm the only one of me currently living) in his comment, and chewed me out explaining to me that I, being religious and creating tutorials on spirituality, was the cause of all the evil in the world. AND he did it under an anonymous user name so it took me a while to figure out who it was. Like, really? You never want to talk to me again and yet you'll cruise over to YouTube to chew me out? WTF!? So... yeah... that really hurt. He was a really good friend of mine when I was in high school and I was really sad when I lost contact with him - even though I left my contact info for him several times before moving. I just don't know why there's so much hate! We never fought or anything - he just up and decided one day to stop returning my phone calls. No explanation, nothing! And in his first email to me he was pissed I didn't leave contact info. Anyways... enough on that.

I'm starting a new exercise program (rather, I'm aspiring to start one) and hope to have a little weight-loss soon. Just something to encourage me, maybe. It's tough, though - I'm also tracking my diet on one of those websites and apparently I need to add more fat to my diet. Say what? Fat girl can't lose weight due to lack of dietary fat? That is SO freaking weird!

Lastly, I changed my name! I ended up using my other name as a business name and didn't want any ties between the two. I think this is where I'm going to get to be the real me. Hopefully. Maybe. Someday. Or something.

It's kinda really nice to be back, though!