This post is dedicated to the Casket Divers of the world.
Yes, those people who feel the urge to join thier loved one in the casket. Those people who just cant let go and feel the need to jump in and give Aunt Lily one last hug and kiss.
If you chose to do this know the rules.
1. If flowers are placed on either side of the coffin, make sure you clear these. Keep your feet tucked in and arms well placed to grab hold of the loved one. As knocking the arrangements over will spill water, break the flowers and cause some of the green floral foam to crush in the carpet. Making Miss Morbid very angry scrubbing it out of the carpet at 11pm.
2. Make sure you have the ability an agility to actually make it inside the coffin. Noone likes a half assed jumper.No boosts or piggy backs are offered during this event.
3. You must cry out the persons name when jumping in. A quiet approach may seem best for alluding the Funeral Director but the true jumping experience comes with a crazy look in your eyes as well as screaming out the deceased name as you attempt your jump in.
4. Never try to shut the lid on yourself. It is generally too heavy and comes with a side lock.
5. Do not explore Aunt Lily while in the coffin. She has been preserved and stitched together for her own lasting beauty. Fingers and hands are not permitted to puncture the eye or lip area. The stitches are there for a reason.
6. If you do manage to puncture her mouth and break the stitches, do not kiss Aunt Lily as she may burp some wonderfully smelling gas into your mouth which in turn could cause mass vomitting to occur.
7. If you do decide that casket diving is for you. Get a running start. Its always fun to dive in and knock the casket sideways and cause a few "Oooohs and Ahhhs" from the crowd as the thought of Aunt Lily crashing to the floor comes to mind. Good times good times.
8. If you are a person of girth, use this to your advantage. Its harder to calm you down and get you off the deceased than your skinny first cousin so this infact gives you enough time to remove rings, money clips and other items you believe Aunt Lily would have wanted you to have.
9. Always cry. Loudly. Profess your love for the recently departed by shouting. Add curse words. Nothing says I love you like a few Fucks and Shits thrown in. Remember, You fucking loved Aunt Lily and will miss her motherfucking ass for the rest of your cocksucking life. Shout it out!
10. When you have throughly pissed off the Funeral director and have successfully made the jump. Smile proudly, wave to the family and onlookers, and know you are in the 2% of all funeral attendants who actually get thrown out of a funeral. Be proud, be strong, Be a funeral jumper.
This is dedicated to my jumper last night. You will forever remain in my heart until the next jackass comes along and beats you at the casket dive.
Yes, those people who feel the urge to join thier loved one in the casket. Those people who just cant let go and feel the need to jump in and give Aunt Lily one last hug and kiss.
If you chose to do this know the rules.
1. If flowers are placed on either side of the coffin, make sure you clear these. Keep your feet tucked in and arms well placed to grab hold of the loved one. As knocking the arrangements over will spill water, break the flowers and cause some of the green floral foam to crush in the carpet. Making Miss Morbid very angry scrubbing it out of the carpet at 11pm.
2. Make sure you have the ability an agility to actually make it inside the coffin. Noone likes a half assed jumper.No boosts or piggy backs are offered during this event.
3. You must cry out the persons name when jumping in. A quiet approach may seem best for alluding the Funeral Director but the true jumping experience comes with a crazy look in your eyes as well as screaming out the deceased name as you attempt your jump in.
4. Never try to shut the lid on yourself. It is generally too heavy and comes with a side lock.
5. Do not explore Aunt Lily while in the coffin. She has been preserved and stitched together for her own lasting beauty. Fingers and hands are not permitted to puncture the eye or lip area. The stitches are there for a reason.
6. If you do manage to puncture her mouth and break the stitches, do not kiss Aunt Lily as she may burp some wonderfully smelling gas into your mouth which in turn could cause mass vomitting to occur.
7. If you do decide that casket diving is for you. Get a running start. Its always fun to dive in and knock the casket sideways and cause a few "Oooohs and Ahhhs" from the crowd as the thought of Aunt Lily crashing to the floor comes to mind. Good times good times.
8. If you are a person of girth, use this to your advantage. Its harder to calm you down and get you off the deceased than your skinny first cousin so this infact gives you enough time to remove rings, money clips and other items you believe Aunt Lily would have wanted you to have.
9. Always cry. Loudly. Profess your love for the recently departed by shouting. Add curse words. Nothing says I love you like a few Fucks and Shits thrown in. Remember, You fucking loved Aunt Lily and will miss her motherfucking ass for the rest of your cocksucking life. Shout it out!
10. When you have throughly pissed off the Funeral director and have successfully made the jump. Smile proudly, wave to the family and onlookers, and know you are in the 2% of all funeral attendants who actually get thrown out of a funeral. Be proud, be strong, Be a funeral jumper.
This is dedicated to my jumper last night. You will forever remain in my heart until the next jackass comes along and beats you at the casket dive.
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