biship

Greetings, SG-landers.
I am in a philosophical kind of mood, so forgive me if this is not your thing, I tend to get like this quite a lot. Bear with me.
So here I am entering year 12 of practicing yoga, year 10 of teaching, and only now can I say with honesty and certainty that I have found my focus, both in my personal practice and in my teaching. I can only surmise that it is maturity and time that have brought me to this place. Being in my thirties has been such a trip, I have to say, I do not miss the angst, insecurity and struggles of my twenties at all, and i definitely would never have been able to make myself as vulnerable as I have in doing something like SG in my youth. I am still amazed and a little in awe of the 18 year olds who are confident enough to know they want to pose nude and go ahead and do it! But I digress...

To give you a little background: as a child I was never the most physically gifted individual, to put it mildly. I come from a family that exalted the cerebral over the physical. The Great Debators my partner likes to call us. You have to know what you're talking about, substantiate your arguments with facts and use big words otherwise you would get torn to shreds. Being fairly smart in my own way, I launched myself into the intellectual arena with gusto and relative ease. If it had to do with ideation and imagination, I was all over it. I was the girl who was quiet, shy, with my head in a book, and slightly terrified of people in general. In retrospect I realise that I had more physical pain than most children should in that I have always had lower back and hip pain. I could not sleep on my side without a pillow between my knees for the pressure in my hips. Add to that a mother who, bless her, never encouraged us to go outside and climb trees, and you can imagine that I was the typical geeky, nerdy girl who didn't play any sports or participate in any activities where hand-eye coordination was a factor. I very simply did not trust my body at all.

So when I came to yoga (funnily enough through my mom, bless her again) the disconnect between my body and my mind was pretty complete. Through the loving guidance of my first teacher (Lyn I love you, R.I.P.) I was able to begin the journey into my body, and ultimately, to my true self. That there was a way to be physical that didn't involve competition, judgement, results or even aesthetics was an enormous relief to me. I could just move and breathe and my hips and back improved and I felt, for the first time ever, good in my body. What a revelation, I tell you!

I knew in my second yoga class ever that I would teach. I had that unmistakable voice of guidance tell me so, and I cringed inwardly, embarrassed that klutzy awkward me could even think that (I didn't of course, for those of you who know the voice of guidance is not the same as the inner voices we all have) but I thank God I listened. That decision put me on this path that has been so rewarding and so empowering I cannot even contemplate what my life would have been like had I not. Probably a good deal more painful, and definitely less joyful!

I feel that this practice has allowed me to unwrap and reveal the true me. Not the me caught up in fear and doubt and insecurity, but the me who is sure, heartfelt, intuitive and confident. There is a lot of that shy, introverted and imaginative girl still here, but she is now far more at peace with herself, and if you had to watch me move now, you would never say that I was a physical dunce. Now I know (though I am still learning) how to let me body express the poetry in my soul.



Yoga is the gift that keeps on giving, generously and without any expectation in return other than my commitment to step on my mat every day and move with feeling, integrity and honesty. I don't really know how it works, but it does, and I have shifted more internal garbage than any number of psychotherapy sessions ever could. Who the fuck needs therapy, when there's yoga? More blah blah blah talking about stuff, stuck in the head, talking about feelings instead of really feeling them. Now I know how to breathe, how to feel and how to trust the innate wisdom that dwells within, and expresses itself through the wondrous vehicle that is this body of mine.

So what, you may ask, is the focus I spoke of at the beginning of this (interminably long) blog? Simply this: I don't want to teach or practice yoga anymore. I want to be the medium through which yoga is embodied. I want to BE yoga and in doing so empower others to do the same.

Thanks for listening SG-land.
In light, love and integrity.
B