Listening to: Tried listening to the Kaiser Chiefs but it made me want to throw up. Watching: Nothing. Reading: Nothing.
After the relatively more 'upbeat' entry this one will be a bit of a shock I spose. Tis the life of someone who is on the verge of every single different emotion all the time...
Sam. I asked him to stay over last night, was all silly and excited that I was going to get to see him, the last night I had the house to myself (parents are on holiday). He makes me so happy, I guess there in that is danger for me. Without going into it too much, basically in the morning we were talking, joking around, the usual and he said "we shouldn't even really be having sex since we're not in a relationship", which of course as sensitive and ridiculously in love and over the top with emotion for him, just winded me. I have this thing, this really weird thing that happens to me when I'm ecstatically happy or the drastic opposite, I feel it in my finger and this aching runs up my arm. When he said that, I had no response to it. I just kept thinking "this means nothing to him ...you're a fucking idiot.....what did you think you were doing...?!", over and over again in silence. I went to the bathroom to have a shower, determined to not collapse into a big fuckinig ugly mess of myself in front of him yet again. He knew he'd upset me, but there wasn't really anything to say. He'd said it all very succinctly in one off hand little comment. It's all my fault. I thought of ringing someone so I wouldn't be alone but I feel like I deserve to be in this alone. I've done this all to myself, I've had so many warnings that this wasn't going to work no matter how much I tried to force it to, basically everyone who is close to me has said it in one way or another. I just really, really love him. I don't want him to leave my life. There is nothing I can do, and I feel like this entry is only an expression of a tiny amount of what I feel right now. But I just needed to touch some sort of base and let it out in some way.
One huge round of applause goes to me for being one of the top twenty biggest idiots of all time. Thank you, thank you.
After the relatively more 'upbeat' entry this one will be a bit of a shock I spose. Tis the life of someone who is on the verge of every single different emotion all the time...
Sam. I asked him to stay over last night, was all silly and excited that I was going to get to see him, the last night I had the house to myself (parents are on holiday). He makes me so happy, I guess there in that is danger for me. Without going into it too much, basically in the morning we were talking, joking around, the usual and he said "we shouldn't even really be having sex since we're not in a relationship", which of course as sensitive and ridiculously in love and over the top with emotion for him, just winded me. I have this thing, this really weird thing that happens to me when I'm ecstatically happy or the drastic opposite, I feel it in my finger and this aching runs up my arm. When he said that, I had no response to it. I just kept thinking "this means nothing to him ...you're a fucking idiot.....what did you think you were doing...?!", over and over again in silence. I went to the bathroom to have a shower, determined to not collapse into a big fuckinig ugly mess of myself in front of him yet again. He knew he'd upset me, but there wasn't really anything to say. He'd said it all very succinctly in one off hand little comment. It's all my fault. I thought of ringing someone so I wouldn't be alone but I feel like I deserve to be in this alone. I've done this all to myself, I've had so many warnings that this wasn't going to work no matter how much I tried to force it to, basically everyone who is close to me has said it in one way or another. I just really, really love him. I don't want him to leave my life. There is nothing I can do, and I feel like this entry is only an expression of a tiny amount of what I feel right now. But I just needed to touch some sort of base and let it out in some way.
One huge round of applause goes to me for being one of the top twenty biggest idiots of all time. Thank you, thank you.
Not trying to cheer you up or anything so annoying as that, these are just my comments after reading your poor blog.
You are NOT an idiot! You are a fantastic funny cool SMART girl and I love you THISSSS much. xoxox