bionicfemmex

I've got a cold. Spent all of yesterday and today staying in and playing FFIII. I just made hot cereal with honey and pineapple-ginger tea. I have a newfound creepy affinity with domesticity. Like i've been cooking most of my own meals and rocking the fuck out on a stove. It's strange.

I've been thinking so much about the future and my values on things now...just recently I was talking to this girl from Utah that I met at Pride and coincidentally already knew on the internet through some friends. We had kind of a thing going on and then she just all of a sudden got really passive aggressive with me. Like writing in her blog, *of dating women* "Give me a fucking break, ho" and saying it was not about me, but all women in general, talking about how much greater it was to date men than women, and yet I was not supposed to get upset about that? Then mind you, she got so jealous everytime a girl flirted with me and I TURNED THEM DOWN but she was supposed to be allowed to flirt with whatever men/women she wanted to?

Then finally my dad had a schizophrenic episode AND almost complete heart failure and was in the hospital last week...it was really hard for me to deal with because we've had a bad history, but at the same time he almost died, and I knew it would be cruel to not at least visit him in the hospital. I was trying my hardest to deal with everything because for a while, the doctors said we might have to admit him to a mental hospital or home and I was his only direct kin.

So I called Jenn (Utah girl) when I found out about the whole thing just needing someone to talk to, and she basically said she didn't want to talk to me, then decided she wanted to stop being my friend entirely because it was too much for her to deal with. Which I understand, but it hurt because we had been talking for like a month and I really liked her. I left a message on her voicemail saying goodbye and just started crying because I said, "What you are doing to me is not right, and I really cared for you."

The first time she called me a ho I got so upset that I went and just fucked some girl from The Lex two hours later to prove my point that I AM a ho, it's just that I don't care about it anymore.

So anyway she quit being my friend. Then three days later she texts, "Would you sing in bed to me?" At first I was confused, but then I wrote her a song. When she came online and I tried to give it to her, she said she never texted that, it was her drunk friends playing a joke on me. I got so upset that I told her that I hated her.

She said, "I hope you get some therapy so you stop telling people you hardly know about this."

So I insulted her alcoholism (she was drunk or drinking every time we ever spoke, including the two days we spent together in person) and I told her, "Ah shut up and go drink a beer. It's not like you should use your mouth for talking."

And that's been the end of us entirely.

I guess i'm just upset because I really liked her and I know it wasn't love, but I felt more than a crush and I liked her for more than just her beauty. And i'm bummed that another human being can just do that to someone else and not care.

This past year has shown me the extent of human cruelty, how people lie, abuse, and torture one another, how most people work for only their own self-interest...little by little it made me so numb.

And I read my old journals seeing how excited I used to get for love, how happy it made me, but now i'm just cold. It makes me afraid sometimes that i've gotten to the point where I just fuck people and don't care. Like it doesn't even matter to me anymore. Nothing romantically does. I'm defensive, numb, and 98% of women don't impress me because I can see through their mindgames and pathologies two steps ahead of them. And I let them do it to me anyway because I always wait to see if they'll end up not doing it, but they never do. I see through the lies, the lead-ons, and the betrayals right through them. But I always stay quiet and go down with the ship.