bionicfemmex

I can't even begin to tell you where the past two years have taken me...

I'll skim over briefly since it's a story that i've told too many times.

Basically when I graduated in '04 I moved out to the East Coast. I had met a girl over the internet named Kerrin and we had been visiting each other back and forth for about half of a year. I really loved her and so when she proposed moving in together in New Jersey instead of New York, I did it, because I figured it was worth it to give up the city if I could be with her.

It was Hell. She said before we moved in she would pay half of the rent. Then she didn't pay anything at all. I got stuck working shitty temp jobs for 8 months and paying all of the rent by myself. She worked in Real Estate and all she did was talk about how much she wanted to make a bunch of money, how pretty she was, and go out to the bars every day with her annoyingly shallow cokehead friends while she left me at home in the middle of New Jersey.

In 8 months she never took me on a date. Oh I took her on some. And I cooked her candlelit dinners every now and then. But as for dates, nothing. We also stopped having sex. It went to like once a month and i'm sorry, but i'm 1/4th Hispanic. If you think bad sex once a month is going to satisfy me, it probably isn't. She also cheated on me with a man and when I wanted to leave, said it was "rape" when it really wasn't. She invited this guy into her bed when I wasn't there and fucked him, never said no, never protested, and then asked me if she could have coffee with him the next day. But it was rape. Because remember, women who have REALLY been raped want to get a latte with their sexual offenders the next day.

Kerrin and I fell out of love and I was tired of her treating me like crap. Our friend Amy lost her job and moved in as our roommate for a month. All of the problems I was having with my girlfriend, Amy was having with hers. So for weeks Amy would take me to Philadelphia, we would escape all of the fighting with our girlfriends. We traveled South Street and she showed me all of the murals in the city, she showed me The Magic Garden and all of the bookstores and art galleries.

I realized I was falling in love with Amy. But I am not the type to sneak around behind girls' backs. I told Kerrin up front that I had a crush on Amy. She said she was fine with it. The next night we got into an argument and she dumped me. Then she wanted to get back together with me and said, "But I only theaten to dump you because if I don't, you don't listen to me."

I said, "It's too late. You can't pull my strings like that. I'm falling for Amy."

We talked with Amy and even though she had told me before that she felt the same way, that night she admitted it to Kerrin. So Kerrin said I could sleep in Amy's bed that night and I did.

Amy and I laid in bed holding hands, staring at the ceiling and talking. And finally that bitch just jumped on me and did the damn thang! With my ex-girlfriend in the room next door! I felt like a pig but honestly, when an egotistical jerk dumps you and two hours later a hot, busty Puerto Rican jumps on top of you for some woman sex, are you going to say no? Probably not.

Amy wrote me love letters and left them in my boots in the morning. Our ex-girlfriends were furious. I was in love and I felt I had never had a connection with any girl in my life the way I had with Amy.

Then two days later I found that she was trying to get back together with her ex-girlfriend. When I found out I ran to New York City and walked the streets and the dirty alleyways until morning, I fell asleep in a subway tunnel having scratched up my forearms in self-hatred. When I came home I found out she was doing heroin the entire time. The reason she had wanted to get back together with Amber was because they were shooting up together.

She wasn't at the house when I found out. So I packed her things, left them out on the porch, told her to come get them. And then I packed my bags and flew home to San Francisco. I went home in one night with four bags and a kitten I had picked up in Trenton.

When I came home, for the first three months I was struggling to look for a job and I wasn't feeling very sociable, I just kind of wanted to lay low after the whole ordeal.

Now i'm finally on top of things, I have a job at a newspaper and I live on Valencia street. I'm starting to get back into the social scenes here in SF and have found that the BDSM goth scene is my favorite.

I still don't feel community here like I did in New York though...I had so much in common with NYC lesbians. I still don't feel like I have anything in common with the women here. It's hard to find intelligent, clean cut women who enjoy the arts. Especially other biracial femmes.

Things have changed. I am no longer a hopeless romantic. I don't believe in love anymore. It's hard for me to get excited over new girls I date.

Most of the time I just fuck girls from bars and never talk to them again.

It's a way to feel connected to something for a night and run before they kick me away.