It was my birthday yesterday. It was a good one.
I'm a child stuck in a 30 year old mans body. Is that bad? I don't know, I still don't feel like growing up...
I felt a lot of love, but I kind of wished I had a main squeeze I could have spent it with. Its been hard for me to find someone to be with. After 5 years in this town I'm only now starting to find some friends, and its hard dating when you're a college student with no money. College is a little weird too because I'm so much older than all of my classmates, I feel like they sort of steer clear of me. I've never been that good at making friends either, I've got so many anxieties that I freeze up when I'm in social situations. Drugs don't help me either, in fact when I'm high I get even more in my head. Drunk is even worse because then I puke out all of my insecurities on whoever is nearest. I used to really hate myself for it, now I just live with it and do my best (hating myself just makes things worse). It always feels worth it to go out and try but I wonder how long that will last.
When I got on this site I was hoping I would somehow find someone, but I'm pretty sure no one is even reading this let alone interested in spending time with me in the real world. I know I have to go out looking, but its really fucking scary to me. Just the act of reaching out can turn me into a quivering pile of snot. I really sucks to be so afraid of something and not know why. I just keep working at it and trying, going to therapy, relaxation exercises, anxiety workbooks. I don't want to be afraid, but I don't want to be a troll living in a cave with no one to hang out with either. Either way I suffer. hopefully if I keep trying something will break and things will get easier. Maybe I'll make a few friends and have some good times.
Everything in my life has been a struggle. I never thought I'd live to see 30 years old actually. I guess that I should be grateful I made it this far. I just wish I wasn't alone.
I'm a child stuck in a 30 year old mans body. Is that bad? I don't know, I still don't feel like growing up...
I felt a lot of love, but I kind of wished I had a main squeeze I could have spent it with. Its been hard for me to find someone to be with. After 5 years in this town I'm only now starting to find some friends, and its hard dating when you're a college student with no money. College is a little weird too because I'm so much older than all of my classmates, I feel like they sort of steer clear of me. I've never been that good at making friends either, I've got so many anxieties that I freeze up when I'm in social situations. Drugs don't help me either, in fact when I'm high I get even more in my head. Drunk is even worse because then I puke out all of my insecurities on whoever is nearest. I used to really hate myself for it, now I just live with it and do my best (hating myself just makes things worse). It always feels worth it to go out and try but I wonder how long that will last.
When I got on this site I was hoping I would somehow find someone, but I'm pretty sure no one is even reading this let alone interested in spending time with me in the real world. I know I have to go out looking, but its really fucking scary to me. Just the act of reaching out can turn me into a quivering pile of snot. I really sucks to be so afraid of something and not know why. I just keep working at it and trying, going to therapy, relaxation exercises, anxiety workbooks. I don't want to be afraid, but I don't want to be a troll living in a cave with no one to hang out with either. Either way I suffer. hopefully if I keep trying something will break and things will get easier. Maybe I'll make a few friends and have some good times.
Everything in my life has been a struggle. I never thought I'd live to see 30 years old actually. I guess that I should be grateful I made it this far. I just wish I wasn't alone.
