billybillybilly

so, i'm not even sure if posting this is a good idea, but... this is what it is to be torn. she couldn't look at me when she said it, that look on her face like this is something i have to say.

"i thought about you when i was in Mexico..."

she's looking at the floor while speaking. smile gracing her lips, but just a little.

"...kept thinking, i wonder what jim's up to...?" turns to me, looks up.

"you're a good guy to talk to." hits like bricks and thinking gets empty. what's a boy to do?

"well... aside from the guy part," i say, chuckling in response and she does too, "same goes for you." smile at her, nod slightly to confirm. and that's how our conversations go i guess.

today was her birthday, second time we've met. the first encounter was about a month ago on her brother's birthday. my own falls almost dead center. but that is only a coincidence.

today was her birthday.

...her 18th birthday.

and this is what it's like to be torn. she walked in. hair was down this time. long and straight and bright fucking red. almost as tall as me, eyes that hold a certain duality that glows but pierces. face radiates warm and happy, and that smile...

and she's...

she doesn't need me fucking up her life. and this last week, really two, i've been happy. or at least happier than i was. and it's been nice to feel unattached. to not be broken up about anyone. and for no one to be broken up about me.

as much as that smile glows, it's just as easy to see it change over, red eyes and tears as it were.

oh, and i met her mom. that was different.

i can officially say this all happened yesterday i guess. and this is exactly what it feels like to watch a story begin. the same anticipation, the same curiosity. not sure what's going to happen, but we did exchange numbers. help me out here? i'm just not sure either way.

then again, hearing those words from her was just as significant as hearing, "i just kept thinking about you, and i just knew you weren't okay. i just knew. i can't explain it." from anyone else, i'd pass it off maybe. but not from this person. just feeling like i'm being thought of, being cared for in any way. it was worth waiting for.

and any of that was just as significant as hearing, "believe it or not, i'm thinking about you right now." even if that was over a month ago, it still comes to mind.

certain things resonate and that's just my life right there.