1 bottle (200ml) of Jagermeister. Gone but for a shot.
2 shots, as well as several pulls off of the Leroux blackberry brandy.
1 shot of Sambuca.
1 scooby snack (shot).
2 vodka/sodas.
Several pulls off the rum/coke.
Valentine's Day.
Spent it in oblivion. No bathrooms, but I still managed to spit bile all over my best friend. I miss them, and I've missed them too much. It's gotta be done this time. It's just too much.
I forced someone who I've never "been with" to "break up" a "relationship" we don't (and never did) have. Why? I'm not sure what sparked it. I didn't really plan it. It just happened.
I get home today to find I'd been missed. And it occurred to me at that moment that it's not ME who's missed, it's who I was. It's who I was nine months ago. Well, for what it's worth, I miss me too. And I miss who they used to be too. Nine months ago. We've been growing this mutant baby far too long now, it seemed imminent that it was eventually aborted.
Am I sad about this? Fuck yes. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I'd like to assume that it was bad timing on my part, but when else would I have gotten the chance?
I've been burning up on the inside. I've waited too long for someone who never comes to me. I've expected too much of someone who's told me they have nothing to offer me. These things are my fault and not theirs, but I needed something from them that I couldn't give myself. Something I've been trying to give myself, something that's not mine to give anyone.
THE main thing, in all of this, that I want THEM to understand:
I did NOT do any of that to attack them. That's EXACTLY how it came off, I HAD to be an asshole, I had to burn that bridge, but since there was no other way to go about it, it had to be carried out that way.
It was what I needed to give them the space that's necessary. I couldn't let it alone until it was confirmed that what had happened is over, that I should not expect it.
"Whatever it was that you think, we had... is over."
There was actual hate in those eyes. There was fear, and there was anger. There was cognitive dissonance.
I don't know what I looked like, but it can't have been pretty. These are the reasons why I hate things like life and myself at times. It's not to say that's always how I am, but I have my moments.
2 shots, as well as several pulls off of the Leroux blackberry brandy.
1 shot of Sambuca.
1 scooby snack (shot).
2 vodka/sodas.
Several pulls off the rum/coke.
Valentine's Day.
Spent it in oblivion. No bathrooms, but I still managed to spit bile all over my best friend. I miss them, and I've missed them too much. It's gotta be done this time. It's just too much.
I forced someone who I've never "been with" to "break up" a "relationship" we don't (and never did) have. Why? I'm not sure what sparked it. I didn't really plan it. It just happened.
I get home today to find I'd been missed. And it occurred to me at that moment that it's not ME who's missed, it's who I was. It's who I was nine months ago. Well, for what it's worth, I miss me too. And I miss who they used to be too. Nine months ago. We've been growing this mutant baby far too long now, it seemed imminent that it was eventually aborted.
Am I sad about this? Fuck yes. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I'd like to assume that it was bad timing on my part, but when else would I have gotten the chance?
I've been burning up on the inside. I've waited too long for someone who never comes to me. I've expected too much of someone who's told me they have nothing to offer me. These things are my fault and not theirs, but I needed something from them that I couldn't give myself. Something I've been trying to give myself, something that's not mine to give anyone.
THE main thing, in all of this, that I want THEM to understand:
I did NOT do any of that to attack them. That's EXACTLY how it came off, I HAD to be an asshole, I had to burn that bridge, but since there was no other way to go about it, it had to be carried out that way.
It was what I needed to give them the space that's necessary. I couldn't let it alone until it was confirmed that what had happened is over, that I should not expect it.
"Whatever it was that you think, we had... is over."
There was actual hate in those eyes. There was fear, and there was anger. There was cognitive dissonance.
I don't know what I looked like, but it can't have been pretty. These are the reasons why I hate things like life and myself at times. It's not to say that's always how I am, but I have my moments.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
neodrunk:
i'll research. kind of need to figure out venue first. i'll probably try discussing with sean to see what kind of support etc they'd be willing to give. information i'll need to know when approaching a venue.
toneski:
when you are looking forward, the things behind you shouldn't obstruct your path.