billybillybilly

update, an hour or so later:

for the first time since shortly after joining this site, i've made contact with my ex girlfriend. our breakup was the reason i first became active here, looking for people to talk to and trying to work through a very lonely time.

shortly before we broke up, i painted what i consider to be the most important painting i've ever done, and i painted it because of her and how broken we both were. i love that painting, and i need to give it up. i sent the girl a text message saying:

"if you want the painting, it's yours."

i'm thinking about it, and i don't know if i even should have done that. there is something significantly wrong with this picture.


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now, in that particular instance...

his face was kind and i'd never met her but with so much interaction it's hard to miss this existing connection. it's in there between the lines. even without actual contact we still interacted in the subtlest ways.

a girl cries but it's nothing i've not borne witness to a thousand thousand times.

over in my head, underneath my bed.


showing me pictures of him. his face i said was kind, but underneath that soft smile there's a devil waiting to pluck out your eyes. kind of a grin but not much of a grin at all really, just a far away look and he could be watching the ocean or clouds as easily.

walk to a new room now.

a new girl. i know her but i don't. we've spoken and we've hugged and we've talked but we don't know each other. distance is as much from my own side as hers.

climbs on me crying because she loves him and he's gone away. stolen out from her, never even met him. there's no music in this, but the rythms are complex. tears and anger. he's gone away and he's with the (the) girl who'll never have a person of her own.

his heart is with HER. her new boy has flown away.

showing me pictures, just like that first girl and just as broken hearted, but this girl hides nothing and lets me see her as she is. existing as a need, loved with no remose, repercussion or reciprocation.

his brother, the one who hung himself in the next room, the junkie, the bleeder: sits to his right (which is placed to my left).

no one saved him.

blood on his wide mouth drops from his chin and his teeth are stained with it too. dragons and nails and vines all wrapped around the skin. piercings are deeper than piercings should go.

grins like they're twins, or may as well be.

both of these boys have the same one's blood on their hands. they've both existed as needs and infect new hearts with aged poisons. infect the ones you love. infected ones will love you back. place your own need into someone else and they'll need you like nothing else.

the girl who's got everyone's jealously in their hearts, she's the one who owns them and this girl who's the second is breaking down in front of me.

but in pictures, what they say is:


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the first boy, he grins because he knows.

the second grins because it's already over and he has nothing to worry for.

the first girl looked so sad to watch me go, knowing i'm her only friend.

the second girl needed a replacement i couldn't be to her.

the person on everyone's minds is running off with the thought of that first boy and his heart. their needs flow heat through each other's veins. they're about to build an island and shoot fireworks up from beaches on the planet made to run diagonal through my universe.

i'm just watching and taking it in, but i'm waiting for that heartbreak to come back in technicolor because it's all i have or am chained to in this given world.


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the common theme is that each of these exists as a need.