I don't think I can do this right now. Logistically, financially or emotionally.
I'm sitting here looking into storing a whole mess of furniture for an apartment I don't have yet, in a city I don't live in yet (which just happens to be 3 hours away from the city where the furniture is) and trying to figure out how I'm going to move all my boxes of stuff from a city on the other side of the country when my credit card is maxed and my bank account is already in the red, and I'm forced to wonder why I want to move in the first place. What am I looking for? And do I think I'm going to find it in different city with a different job? Do I really think I'll feel at home there when I've never felt at home in any city I've ever lived in?
The ugly truth is it's not the city or the job that needs to change.
It's been 13 years since I left home and my parents sold the farm to settle the divorce. Since then I've been wandering trying to find somewhere else to belong, but after 13 years my sense of home is even more broken. I've left so many pieces of my life all over the world I fear I'll never be able to gather them all up into one place. It doesn't matter where I put myself, I'm always going to be missing someone/something I love. There's only one place all those things ever meet, and that's inside myself. Is it any wonder, then, that that's where I end up spending far too much of my life?
So I don't think I can do this. More importantly I don't think I should. It's part of a pattern that I keep living. A pattern of hiding out somewhere, waiting, being in a place, but never living there, until suddenly I get sick of it all and go looking for greener pastures, without ever truly having appreciated the grazing in the one I'm already in. It's a pattern that needs to break, starting now. I will make a fucking home for myself, and I'll do it where I fucking am. No more ruts. No more waiting. No more living inside myself.
I hope you all, one day, get to visit me in my home. You belong there just as much as I do.
I'm sitting here looking into storing a whole mess of furniture for an apartment I don't have yet, in a city I don't live in yet (which just happens to be 3 hours away from the city where the furniture is) and trying to figure out how I'm going to move all my boxes of stuff from a city on the other side of the country when my credit card is maxed and my bank account is already in the red, and I'm forced to wonder why I want to move in the first place. What am I looking for? And do I think I'm going to find it in different city with a different job? Do I really think I'll feel at home there when I've never felt at home in any city I've ever lived in?
The ugly truth is it's not the city or the job that needs to change.
It's been 13 years since I left home and my parents sold the farm to settle the divorce. Since then I've been wandering trying to find somewhere else to belong, but after 13 years my sense of home is even more broken. I've left so many pieces of my life all over the world I fear I'll never be able to gather them all up into one place. It doesn't matter where I put myself, I'm always going to be missing someone/something I love. There's only one place all those things ever meet, and that's inside myself. Is it any wonder, then, that that's where I end up spending far too much of my life?
So I don't think I can do this. More importantly I don't think I should. It's part of a pattern that I keep living. A pattern of hiding out somewhere, waiting, being in a place, but never living there, until suddenly I get sick of it all and go looking for greener pastures, without ever truly having appreciated the grazing in the one I'm already in. It's a pattern that needs to break, starting now. I will make a fucking home for myself, and I'll do it where I fucking am. No more ruts. No more waiting. No more living inside myself.
I hope you all, one day, get to visit me in my home. You belong there just as much as I do.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
j24u:
I guess you could always sport a wig and apply to be their house-mother.
tiger_fodder:
I'm with J24U.