So I figured since today is terribly slow at work and I have a lot of downtime, I would just write a really long rant about random pointless stuff. As you may know, I am new to this sort of "open" site and I'm not too sure what people are interested in if all some of us have in common may just be porn and maybe the occasional game or two. Common interests are really hard to come by now. This usually means that I have to sort of mold my personality here and there in order to make certain situations less awkward. This pretty much bring the reason why I don't really like going out. Here I am stuck in a pickle though, I don't enjoy doing too many things outside of my group, so I'm limited to the amount of peole that I can get close to. Of course this has some positive sides, mainly one being that there is literally never any drama. And if there Is ever any drama it is sorted out and fixed before friendships go on the line over it.
I have recently come to a realization though. I figured that with my, what others may see as ,a "boring lifestyle." I have a really hard time not only meeting new people, but I have a really hard time finding a girl that is worth going out of the mold to give a chance at my heart or vise versa. I have met a few girls over the pas year that looked great on the surface, but turned out to be very different below. I've been cheated on, lied to, and even stood up on every whim. After a countless spree of these girls, I pretty much lost my sense of "give a shit." Now it seems that every time I get hooked up or randomly find a girl to talk to via FB or friends of friends, I always seem to find them so very interesting until they show their sign that maybe things aren't as great as they seem. Then it gets so bad that I even go out of my way to not speak to them. Maybe I'm just tired of letting someone else control my life, so my mind automatically reacts to a threat and pretty much purges them from my system.
Some may find that as a rather interesting trait and could be useful, but in reality... It is probably one of the most scaring and annoying things that I have to deal with when I finally meet someone. May it be a girl that I am interested in, or just another acquaintance. I always seem to find that one thing about them that annoys me or even just makes me feel uncomfortable and then over the next few days I find that it's hard to even make simple contact with them. I guess it has something to do with me not wanting to lead them on because I know I will eventually hurt them down the line when they figure out that something they do or have done will make either our friendship or relationship crumble to pieces.
(funny how things over here get busy right as I decide to start writing this, sorry if things seem a little out of place.)
Maybe the reason I am scared is because I'm pretty sure that I will never find someone that I can cope with. Things used to be so different before last year. My whole outlook on life did a complete 180 and I keep questioning a bunch of things that obviously have no answers. It's weird what a few people can do to screw the way you look at not just them, but literally every new person that walks into your life. It's crazy because I don't ever judge anyone off first glance or off second glance either, I actually rarely EVER judge people. It's just that ever since last year, I am trying to protect myself from feeling the way I used to feel.
I know not everyone is the same. I know that there are people who know exactly how I feel and they are willing to go out of their way to try and make things great. But there will always be this little sense of doubt for me. I will always feel like either they are using me or they just want to get so far under my skin that they can literally control what kind of person I am.
Surely, not only has this affected the way I see girls that I just meet. It has also affected the way I see pretty much everything. If the love, or feeling isnt real or tangible to me. I find it literally impossible to believe in. This is just another down fall for me though. I don't trust anyone and I will only tell certain people certain things until we have gone 50/50 for long enough that I feel comfortable enough around them to tell them anything or feel however I want to feel. Until I reach that mark to where we are all on the same level, it's like Ft Knox inside my brain. I find that after I have went out of my way and did everything I could to make 3 people happy in a row. Then they turn and treat me like the dirt they walk on. Its hard to even remotely come close to wanting to make someone else happy without making myself happy first. This may be rather selfish, but I'm not willing to take a step back into the direction that cast me off into a year long depression.
I still find myself rather depressed over quite a few things. Rarely do I ever worry about the topic on hand as of late though. I just feel like maybe there is someone else out there with this same damn problem that I could talk to. Maybe you could explain why I feel like I am constantly pushing everyone away... I always seem to put on a happy face and live like nothing is ever wrong though. I live like I am perfectly fine with not having someone to care for. I live like it's perfectly fine not having anything to believe in and a rather small amount of hope in humanity. The only time I ever really think about the way I feel is if I am writing about it or if I am in a closed room with someone I trust more than anyone. Its almost like I feel as if I show any signs of depression to my friends or family they will ultimately think that I want to commit suicide or hurt myself or something. I have been down that road before a long time ago and I found it hard to even hold a simple conversation with them without bringing it up.
So if you read all of this, thank you for taking the time to see what I had to say. Some sort of feedback would be very much appreciated. =)
I have recently come to a realization though. I figured that with my, what others may see as ,a "boring lifestyle." I have a really hard time not only meeting new people, but I have a really hard time finding a girl that is worth going out of the mold to give a chance at my heart or vise versa. I have met a few girls over the pas year that looked great on the surface, but turned out to be very different below. I've been cheated on, lied to, and even stood up on every whim. After a countless spree of these girls, I pretty much lost my sense of "give a shit." Now it seems that every time I get hooked up or randomly find a girl to talk to via FB or friends of friends, I always seem to find them so very interesting until they show their sign that maybe things aren't as great as they seem. Then it gets so bad that I even go out of my way to not speak to them. Maybe I'm just tired of letting someone else control my life, so my mind automatically reacts to a threat and pretty much purges them from my system.
Some may find that as a rather interesting trait and could be useful, but in reality... It is probably one of the most scaring and annoying things that I have to deal with when I finally meet someone. May it be a girl that I am interested in, or just another acquaintance. I always seem to find that one thing about them that annoys me or even just makes me feel uncomfortable and then over the next few days I find that it's hard to even make simple contact with them. I guess it has something to do with me not wanting to lead them on because I know I will eventually hurt them down the line when they figure out that something they do or have done will make either our friendship or relationship crumble to pieces.
(funny how things over here get busy right as I decide to start writing this, sorry if things seem a little out of place.)
Maybe the reason I am scared is because I'm pretty sure that I will never find someone that I can cope with. Things used to be so different before last year. My whole outlook on life did a complete 180 and I keep questioning a bunch of things that obviously have no answers. It's weird what a few people can do to screw the way you look at not just them, but literally every new person that walks into your life. It's crazy because I don't ever judge anyone off first glance or off second glance either, I actually rarely EVER judge people. It's just that ever since last year, I am trying to protect myself from feeling the way I used to feel.
I know not everyone is the same. I know that there are people who know exactly how I feel and they are willing to go out of their way to try and make things great. But there will always be this little sense of doubt for me. I will always feel like either they are using me or they just want to get so far under my skin that they can literally control what kind of person I am.
Surely, not only has this affected the way I see girls that I just meet. It has also affected the way I see pretty much everything. If the love, or feeling isnt real or tangible to me. I find it literally impossible to believe in. This is just another down fall for me though. I don't trust anyone and I will only tell certain people certain things until we have gone 50/50 for long enough that I feel comfortable enough around them to tell them anything or feel however I want to feel. Until I reach that mark to where we are all on the same level, it's like Ft Knox inside my brain. I find that after I have went out of my way and did everything I could to make 3 people happy in a row. Then they turn and treat me like the dirt they walk on. Its hard to even remotely come close to wanting to make someone else happy without making myself happy first. This may be rather selfish, but I'm not willing to take a step back into the direction that cast me off into a year long depression.
I still find myself rather depressed over quite a few things. Rarely do I ever worry about the topic on hand as of late though. I just feel like maybe there is someone else out there with this same damn problem that I could talk to. Maybe you could explain why I feel like I am constantly pushing everyone away... I always seem to put on a happy face and live like nothing is ever wrong though. I live like I am perfectly fine with not having someone to care for. I live like it's perfectly fine not having anything to believe in and a rather small amount of hope in humanity. The only time I ever really think about the way I feel is if I am writing about it or if I am in a closed room with someone I trust more than anyone. Its almost like I feel as if I show any signs of depression to my friends or family they will ultimately think that I want to commit suicide or hurt myself or something. I have been down that road before a long time ago and I found it hard to even hold a simple conversation with them without bringing it up.
So if you read all of this, thank you for taking the time to see what I had to say. Some sort of feedback would be very much appreciated. =)
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
bigums:
or girls rather >.>
opheliadoll:
If you ever need someone to talk to, just shoot me a message, sweetheart. I'm always here 