bigkev79

So today I've been thinking about things that have happend to me recently. In the past six months, a very close family member has died, a friends father has died, that same friend became more then friends, then she crushed my heart. Amidst all this I neglected a few things I had to do with the estate and I almost lost the house to forclosure. But for some reason she still pops into my thoughts now and then.

I came to realize a while ago that I love this girl, or at least I did. She crushed me and a friend betrayed me but I still wanted to be with her. I was so devistated by this that I acctually cried the next morning after this had happend, which was exactly one week before Valentines day I might add. Why cant I just forget, why do I bring myself pain and misery. Even if she were to ever come back to me I dont know what I would say. I know now that I was just a pawn on a chessboard of a massive scale. She lied to me a lot and I figured out that she herslef was living a lie, but she lies so much I acctually think she believes them after a while. Well at least after this whole schpiel happend I suddenly found that I could write lyrics whithout the difficulty that I had before. Maybe I was destined to fail? Maybe I needed something like this to give me focus on one part of my life, something that I would be good at and enjoy at the same time.

Sometimes I feel like calling her but I know that would be bad, so I dont. Shes with someone else but shes playing her games again with people. She has no idea I see it but its happening. I guess some days I just wonder why do people lie to one another... Is ther anything good that becomes of it? Is honesty something that is that hard to teach to people through life, or is it just hard to teach people how to make the concious decision to not be like that. God I miss her so much sometimes, and other times I wish that I never would see her again. Its been six months, why cant I make a concious decision myself.

You know years ago I used to hate Nine Inch Nails, now if there was a way for Trent to father my children Id be right there... lol. But something happend with my first girlfriend, and after that fiasco ended I could acctually HEAR the lyrics, I knew exactly what Trent was saying and feeling, and its been like that ever since.

But on another note I recently recieved a phone call from someone special, the girl who I was probably supposed to marry, but I ruined that by keeping her waiting for four years. It felt good to catch up with her but I was also saddend at the same time. This wonderful human being, who would never do ANYTHING malicious to another person has been married for a while. Now I was at the wedding and it seemed that they were a great young couple in love, but after the marriage Mr. Hyde came out. At first he started to call her a bitch and threaten her with divorce. Keep in mind that this is a girl with strong morale roots based in a christian family so divorce is the last thing to be considered. But recently hes upgraded to telling her to go fuck herself. When I heard that I just wanted to get into my car, drive to the other state and teach this young man how someone is supposed to treat a lady, especially his wife. I knew that when I found out about the marriage that I should have told her to not do it, but it wasnt my place...
Well thats enough rambling for today but I will leave you with a few thoughts and phrases to bring my thoughts into more of a focus.

You see the problem with wanting something so bad is the fear of loosing it, or never having it at all.

Somedays do you feel like everyone wants you to save the world, but you really dont care at all?

Goodnight and keep it honest.
Kevin....