bigblack81

Dear primate relatives with extra-terrestrial intelligence
I've gathered delicate information stating my spaceship's developed a virus
And I was thrown out of orbit past the moon
And crashed here November 9th, 1981, Monday afternoon
I've adapted to this twisted way of living
But I always knew I wasn't from this planet cuz I'm so damn different
I've kicked it with kids that would've but couldn't
Kids that could've but wouldn't
Some took it, misunderstood, stood under it and overlooked it
Love, hate, straight, crooked
Bad, good, should, shouldn't
Plastic, metal or wooden
It's all a part of water based pudding
This is a cry for help and I don't give a fuck
I've joined every alien cult on earth waiting for ya'll to pick me up
I've sipped the cup of reality, now my brain is dying
I try and explain I'm not human, now my room is an insane asylum
They blame the violence on children and try to forget they raised 'em
Jerry Springer and Banned From TV is what they get paid from
Man, I hate them homosapiens, they're a little too complex
Survival instincts are blocked for the biggest cock contest
Man, please come get me, the shit's sickening
Man, I can't stand it
I wanna break the ozone and go home to my own planet
This panic, I'm stranded, goddamnit I'm damaged, my sanity's bandaged
Ever since I landed I've been abandoned and planned to run
I ran and managed to reach peace for a day or two
But it's probably government computer chips that make me think the way I do
Hey, I knew my origin was beyond this galaxy, even as a baby
I asked the ones who told to call parents and they said I was crazy
I've been beat half to death by those designated to serve and protect
I pay them taxes from my check so they break my neck
Now take a sec and think what I did to deserve this
I'm waiting for the mothership spacecraft
To take me away from this purposeless earth shit
It's worthless
I'm like a polar bear living in the equator
Or an ice cube in the refrigerator
I'm outta place and outer space is where I need to get ya'll
So when you come down, just remember I'm leaving with ya'll
Sincerely yours truly, Eyedea
--from 'Eyedea, Slug & Sole - Savior'

***

Okay, the first few days have ended here in my new place in Atlanta and I think it's time to take a moment and write some things down. I said I was back but I don't quite feel back, if you know what I mean. Maybe by the end of this I will. Some things need to be talked about. Some emotions need to be fleshed out and shit. And all that.

- ....Now The Names Have All Changed Since You Hung Around.... -

I'm fucking broke right now. I'm waiting for my checks from Waffle House to come down to my house. Only then will I feel better about being able to go and do more in Atlanta. I need to get out. I want to get out. I want to work. Sounds strange, right? Wrong. I'm in a house with good roommates and good people but they're all ACTIVE. They all have lives. I do not. I know it's a bit of a bitch and a slitch to be all wanting to be instantly ghetto fabolous so soon since moving down here but FUCK! I want to work, I want a phone, I want a bus pass and I want to get my fucking knob sucked. Is that too much to fucking ask?

I don't want to let my end of the house down and shit. I just don't. I'm finally in a spot with creative ass whipping motherfuckers living with me that are closer to my own wave length and that kicks ass. As I said before, Walter, Amber and Brian were all mad cool but just not on what I was feeling like I wanted in a house environment. Amber was a power sync, Walter was a home body and Brian was never around. I didn't and still don't like feeling like I'm on anyone's payroll and leaving there was a good decision on my end, abrupt as it was. But now I want to get out of this depressed, no living, no working bullshit and get back to enjoying my life. Such as it is.

It's also kicking me in the ass that I have such creative, intelligent folk I live with. Folk that like to do things! Jennie, the flatmate I talked to first does her own web comic and over the first few days we talked a lot about the scene and how things are all fucked up and shit. She alone is reigniting a fire inside me to get back into fanfiction and start bitchslapping motherfuckers in the scene with my own brand of pissed off side character madness. I like living with someone who challenges me, even if they don't even know it. Will, her boyfriend and flatmate #2, is one of the two resident techs in the house and it's a fucking spur in my fat ass to know that he and Lute, my third flatmate, have systems that make mine look like a pinto in a driveway full of BMW's. I'm being challenged on both ends by guys and girls with things and talents that make my measly accomplishments look small and pitiful.

Boy, can't you tell I'm feeling like I need to buy a hummer to compensate? Luxury car hell hole awaits for me! Yay! *pulls out a gun and strokes it passively in his lap*

It was funny; when I was with Walter and the crew, I never felt that I had to compete with them cause they didn't DO anything. And now I'm with three very progressive folk who can kick my ass in the things I love. That bothers me but I don't want to leave. I want to prove I can hang with the old farts (Everyone in the house is older then I am. What a switch; going from being the parent of a house to being the baby. Fucking hell.) and make a place for myself. Learn how to drive. Get laid. Smoke stupid amounts of pot and drink my share and everyone else's. Be a big man.

Wow. I thought high school ended for me. Guess not.

- ....But Those Dreams Have Remained And They've Turned Around.... -

I'm so comitted to getting back into the art I love that I've gotten back onto the shoujo-ai.com boards. this is more then a little bit of a dangerous move, especially considering the fact that the very things that got me so pissed off about anime lesbianism and homosexuality (and by proxy, lesbianism and homosexuality in general) piss me off even MORE now. I'm banking on the fact that I'm more mature and far less psychotic then I was back in the old days. Back then I was self righteous in my virginity, now I'm just a dirty old man wanting to get off like the 4th fucking Zeppelin album as much as humanly possible. Homosexual romance still pisses me off a lot, or rather the cloying elements of it all, and yet...it still intrigues me. I guess I'm still just conflicted as a writer/gadfly/ultra-pundit. I can admire it...but it still causes me to want to murder all couples.

Plus, it's not as if the anime scene right now in America is very inspiring to me. It's as if there is only one or three ways to see relations or things in the scene as a whole and I guess I'm just wanting to create something closer to my own place and time. Something dreamy but gritty as fuck. And most anime is either ultra gritty whilst smooth or fanservice bullshit. And that bothers me a lot. I'm listening to all this psychotic alternative hip hop, nu electro and drum and bass music and my perspective on how I look at the world is changing because I feel older. Most anime and most cartoons in general are still being aimed primarily at those who are young and I'm young...but I'm growing older. My music is getting less and less about letting people in and more and more about putting up walls of sound to preserve what little I have to preserve. It's hard as hell. It's not easy.

But the creative bastard in me isn't shutting up. And I don't want to move onto something else without finishing what I have currently on tap. And there are still a few things I'd like to say in my fanfiction. There are still a few captioned pictures that need to be shown to the shoujo-ai world. I'm still not satisfied as a creative man and that makes me want to keep on going. I just don't want to be swallowed into the void.

I have no time for pointless endeavors. I want purpose in my art. I want a rudder and a compass for my artistic ship and I want it now, dammit!

- ...Who'd 've Thought They'd Need Ya, Back Here Where They Need Ya.... -

Some end notes...

1. Flat Shoals area of Atlanta is strangely beautiful. It's like, ghetto suburbs meets gentrified playground meets Antibellum graveyard. I've walked through the area twice now in the past week (Oh fuck, it's been 7 days already?!) and it still doesn't make sense...yet it does. Stay tuned...
2. I've one girl from SG whom I like and another from Gothic Personals whom I've just talked to who wants me to meet her soon. I've no clue how either one is going to work out but it's probably going to work out to whom is still around when I learn how to drive. I'm not sure right now which one I want more and that worries me.
3. Getting drunk with the ATL crew is a high priority right now. I hope the cash comes soon so I can start job hunting by friday. It would suck to be bumming booze from people without any hope of getting my own.
4. My computer and I are back in like with one another. And yet...when I went to Frye's, a big computer emporium in the burbs with Will for the first time, I began to look at other rigs. They smiled at me. The shop's registered pimp/salesman offered me a charge card. I wisely declined...but my wandering electronic infidelity continues.
5. On that note, Jennie works at the place I expect heaven to look like. A comic/anime/card shop that has DVD rentals! Porn too! It's like...a little spot of complete and total heathenism in Buckhead area. Fuck yes. Money will be spent there. In mass amounts.
6. I'm looking around online, whilst air dropping my painfully small resume, at places to learn how to paint. I want the Bob Ross hairdo and the Bob Ross happy little trees. And I figure with all the infastructure here, why not try something new whilst I redo some things of the old? Happy little trees.
7. Watching Will and Jennie together is like watching a good relationship again, something I was sorely lacking with seeing when I was at the old house. That old feeling of wanting someone in my bed at night is beginning again. Damn my hormonal self.

That's it for now. Also, as of now, I'm going back to the old rule of I'm going to write when I damned well feel like it and I have something to say. Thusly, it may be a while between posts but I think it's better for it. I know this entry sure took a long time but I'm happy about it. Also, bonus points to anyone who can guess the song that made for the section headers in this journal entry. I'll give a hint: It was an ABC sitcom in the mid to late 70's. I'll make some special fanart for the first person who gets it.

Later all.