bigblack81

I made a pretty mixtape on a thread in the Music board. Read it here and tell me what you think. Luomo rules and a homemade best of mix CD of his would be the best way to express love to someone through music. At least, if they like a 4/4 house beat.

Also, my artsy side came back to me yesterday a little. Whilst tweaking on clear I decided to do something I hadn't done for someone I've come to care for and care about.

skittles_delight and I had talked recently about the fact that she had done sets in Plus Sized Women that hadn't been really commented on much, even though they were and are beautiful. I truly think her sets, while not as good as a lot of the others, are what being a PSW model is all about. Tasteful nudity and enjoyment of posing under the lens. The current tussle in there is over the whole 'nudity in sets' thing and it's so freaking silly that it makes me wonder why doesn't the group have a vote and decide if they should adopt a version of the SuicideBoys rule that says you gots to show the skin in the set. Start clothed, end naked. Simple but it shows off what the person has and shit and does the group and the poster justice. IMO. But, as usual, I decided that my silence is best kept golden and I haven't commented on it. Personally, I want to see more skin from the PSW girls. It's WHY we have fringe posting groups: to give a diverse variety of flavors to the SG universe. It's why I love the two sets I did for Big Cuddly Boys and will eventually do more for them and possibly SuicideBoys. Once I get a camera. Preferably one with a timer. Or someone to shoot me in the buff.

But Skittles was annoyed a little that she didn't get much love and shit and I noticed that no one had even made a header of her for the group. So I decided to do one.

I wanted this to look like you were watching her on some strange television reciever from the past; grainy, slightly blurred, almost surrealistic. But classic. I think I got what I was looking for. And the best part? All black and white with variants. I love colors...but sometimes monotone says it best. It helps that Skittles is gorgeous in her very first set, the one I took the photo from. She's gorgeous period...but that set sort of gave me the fire in the loins I like from PSW's.

She liked it a lot. I got e-kissed. A lot.

Even if it isn't used as the header for PSW for a while, which I hope it is cause it's a good, different header, knowing that I made her smile and feel appreciated for having the courage to get nude and photographed made me smile. And it made me think that mabye this depression I'm having is a lack of me doing anything but going to work and sleeping. If I can't have love, right now, mabye I can have art. Who knows?

Moving Update

Two housing responses have come in, the second being a roommate situation. I'm leaning towards this one as it's cheaper in the short and the long term, and the folk who live there sound like a good psychotic hard working alternative lot (I spoke to them on Skype. Love that little program. Just wish I had a headset for it...). The bads is that, yet again, I'm going to be living with other people...but I'm not entirely sure that that's a bad thing. I remember thinking that when I moved in with Amber and Walter that they were good people but just not my speed at all. And I was right...and wrong. Walter is a good friend but we're different and he wants to go to Nashville. I don't. I want to get as far away from living in a religious fog as I can to just get back to life with heretics and sinners. Sinners make me feel way more special then most saved folk do and all the rebellion in the world can't change someone who wants to find their own rules in an already accepted ruleset.

On the other hand, Walter and Brian and I are like a three man bob and weave. We do well together cause we're all hermits and we're all nuts. It's when Amber gets into the mix that things can get weird. So I found people like me...but they had one person who isn't and is herself and sometimes we clash. Of course, being in such a situation as I was before when I was paying almost all the bills myself didn't make things easier...

I'm thinking that mabye I need to rethink this entire issue of roommates and shit. Responsibility and taking care of the needed things first are what I need in roommates and for a long time Walter and Amber didn't or couldn't do that. These folk seem like they can. Once money and space issues are worked out, little else is needed for a happy home. Mabye it's time for me to really learn how to live with other people instead of existing with other people.

Regardless...time is growing nigh. It's almost time for me to go.

When It Looks And Smells Like Shit, It Probably Is

I have this girl I am kind of jocking here and she's the daughter of a co-worker of mine. She's cute, indie, chubby and sweet. I like her. More then a little bit. But tonight some things happened that have made me rethink if I want to be all up on her shit. Ever.

I've been wanting her to come to the shop for a while and have a cup of coffee with me and talk. She knows I like her and she just wants to be friends with me right now...but we don't speak much and I figured that if friends do spend time together and she knows where I work cause we MET through my and her mom's work, why not be friendly with one another there? It might lead to better things. Good idea, right?

Well, we play phone tag for a while but finally setup a date. She can't come. We reschedule. She doesn't come. We do it the third time and she appears with another dude in tow. Now, with her saying to me that she just wants friends right now (when I asked her out she had just begun to emerge from a bout of breakup depression. Bright eyes, bushy tail and all that...) in her life, and me knowing full well that nothing is what it seems anymore in America, why then am I getting all jealous that she's coming to the shop with another dude when she knew I WANTED to see her? Also, the dude she was with; mad fucking sketchy. Like, beyond grimy and shit. Not dirty, just...icky. Like, a dude perpetually stoned and broke and "cool". The kind of dude that usually gets the women I'm interested in like this girl. I served them, she and I spoke quietly for a moment, I remained calm and civil and they left. I had a poor end of the shift because of it but I quickly put it behind me.

Fast forward a week. We don't speak. I don't call her as I'm not one to be all hyper possessive about anyone and I don't see her online much at all so I just go on with my life. Tonight, I figured that I wanted to call her and see if she wanted to come and see me. Try a FOURTH time. Why not? She said she had plans but wanted to come by later after things were done. As it turns out, as I was pulling into the driveway at work, she was in her car pulling out. We spoke and she promised that she'd come by but as I was late we didn't speak much. My half shift goes by and I'm almost ready to clock out (I only had to work till 2 but I stayed till nearly 3. Our waitresses are THAT bad.) and she hadn't shown up except to come in with the same dude from before and a kid I knew for a while as he played drums for my former manager's band. They were trying to see if a 4th person, the husband of another co-worker of mine, had been around. when I heard they were looking for this person I was a bit surprised. He, to put it mildly, is white trash additude shite. Nearly everyone who knows him at the Waffle House DOESN'T like him. His mother-in-law, who ALSO works at my Waffle House (Never deny the Waffle House Family. It DOES exist. Really. It's fucking creepy at times...), basically tolerates him only cause her daughter loves him. It should duly be noted that this person already has 4 kids by this woman, is a known cheater, sells drugs, has a crooked cop as a father and nearly caused a fist fight in my shop Thursday night. Fine fellow.

I call this girl and she tells me that she's at a motel hanging out. She sounds really sleepy. I ask her if she could give me a ride home as I'd feed her with my employee meal ticket. She says she can't cause she's not in a position to drive. I ask her if she's fucked up and she says yes. Now, for the sake of intellectual honesty, I must come clean here. At this point I was, and still am as I write these words, very up on clear. The nights as of late have been so harsh that it's been either clear or Stacker 3's, more of the latter then the former as I'm poor. But I got a bit and decided to work for my moving money instead of sticking my head in the sand. It didn't do badly nor did I. Haven't slept much but am still feeling fine. But I WAS high and had no place to even partially criticize her for being fucked up. I don't think she knows I use anything at all, really. So I just told her I'd talk to her later and hung up cordially.

I clock out and walk to the Krystal's to get some food. I'm finally hungry after all that clear worked through my body and I needed eats. I come back to the shop to find her, the skuzzy dude and the drummer all sitting at a booth, FUCKED UP beyond belief. She herself couldn't keep her head up much more then a simple wobble and she looked at me with the most pathetic look in her eyes. For a moment, I just couldn't look at her. I just couldn't. I've liked drug using women before and have had to deal with that glazed doughnut look a lot...but looking at this girl with this skuzz boy slumped in the booth beside her made me so dissapointed. Just, let down. I got a ride home from a frequent customer not long after this and told her I'd call her soon.

The point to this whole story is this: I'm seriously thinking about calling her up this afternoon and telling her what I know and asking some very personal questions about her shit right now cause I feel I have a right to know. Especially when she's obviously got someone on her crew now that is more then a little suspect looking to me and anyone else with half a brain. I want to know what the fuck is going on with this girl; at this point, I'm not even sure if dating her is an option but I still want to know what the deal is. It's hard to turn off feelings for people but I've got my hand on the switch with this girl. The problem is, the concern light is hard wired into the feelings switch...and I do have concern for her, if for no reason then I once liked her. Concern is worth that. So I'm just not sure what the fuck to do.

Though knowing me and my silly behind, I'll probably just say nothing and fate will let it's voodoo magic work over the entire situation. That might be the best option, honestly. It just sucks that that means I don't get the girl. But do I even want someone that....that?!

End Notes
1. The customer who gave me the ride home tonight and I had a long talk and we hashed some things out. I still think she and her husband are obnoxious, loud mouthed, slightly psychotic redneck maniacs...but I'm glad they understand that my not wanting to be that all up on them for money is cause I just want to do my job right and shit. I've earned their respect. I can tell cause they come to my section all the time cause I give the service without the bullshit. That feels nice that even this late in the game, people are finally beginning to understand me at work. I want to work, not make friends and influence people.
2. Samantha's newest set was so fucking hot that she bumped Myra off the fifth spot on my favorite's list. Only the second time the fave's list has had a new entry and wow, what a way to do it. Fucking point shoes and a LEOTARD!!!! If there is one thing that turns me on as much as panties, it's lycra. Gymnasts, ballet dancers, all of them wear that wonderful material called Lycra and it makes me oh so horny. Fucking righteous. And she even replied to my fanboyish comments to her! Fucking awesome.
3. Of course, in saying what I said in Point #2, I must make this addendum: were a certain someone a real SG, she'd be on the list and Samantha would be off. She'll just have to settle for my fanboy lusting of her...and a little change on my profile.
4. Spring has decended on Happy Valley. I can tell cause the trees are beginning to bud, just barely. It was so fucking beautiful yesterday and it will be the same today, I reckon. Soon the darkness time will be upon me: Spring Dating (Mid March and April) and Summer Mating. Second only to the psychotic hell that is the 40 days of darkness (from Thanksgiving to New Years with my birthday and Christmas in between), springtime to me fucking sucks balls. Couples forced to copulate in steamy bedrooms will be let loose on the landscape again. The Skort, that dreaded evil hybrid shite garment, will come back onto girls hips. Dudes will once again bear their chests...for no damned reason at all except to flex. My perspective on life is once again, going to turn ugly. Sigh....
5. I'm buying a new CD drive and a charger for my Jukebox Zen. If the deal goes through and I do move into the roommated house, I'll hopefully have a new burner and a new power source for my music box to help me through the hard times. Electronic lust rules.
6. I am featured in an online radio podcast!! Go here and download the mp3 file. Not only is the show an absolute riot all the time, but I got onto the show with a call to the viewer feedback line! SQUEEE!! I sound like shit and my comments are oh so fanboyish...but he cares! He cared enough to send my voice through the airwaves! SQUEEE!!!

And now, with all my lusting, ranting, raving and kvetching over, I bid you all adieu for now. More soon, though when is debatable. Hopefully good news on the house front, perhaps even a deal! Who knows?

Later all.