bigblack81

UltimateLewser did his writeup on the Saturday night meet with him, Oryon, Kaitee and I. I must say that I really felt emotionally charged when I read it. I honestly believe that friends are fate's little way of saying thank you for playing the evil game of life. It WAS a miracle that they found me in the sea of exits and Waffle Houses on 75 North. A minor one but considering the night I had, it's still something that means a lot to me. The fact that I cooked for them and showed them a little of what I can do makes me that much happier.

And that he has photographic evidence of this makes it even better. Thanks Lew. You guys fucking rule.


I love this picture of me. So backlight. So interesting.


Group pics rock. Word.

I want more of you folk to come visit me. It's been done! It's not a rumor! I can make great hash browns!

Onto the business of the day. I've a lot to talk about.

- More Friends Equals More Life -

Some interesting developments as of late. Jason and Todd came to the shop last night and sold me some gear. X and clear, to be exact. Good shit that clear. I'm still up from it but we'll get to that later. No, the real highlights of the last few hours were our little get together in Dalton. Make a note that picking someone up in the pouring rain and then having the lights and power go out all over your valley as you drive home on an unlit parkway is fucking scary. Jason didn't want to go to his home in the rain that soon after dropping me off and I agreed so we got some CD's I owed Todd and downloaded a bunch of DJ sets. He bought 6 dollars worth of burnt CD's from me. Fucking sweet. Helps to make up for the cost of the gear.

We drove down to see Todd in the morning through the rain to smoke up and talk. I had the best time doing that because I hadn't seen or really had the time to talk to Todd and he and I and Jason had a really great conversation. I like Todd a lot. He's the kind of gay dude that I wished I had met when I was still into guys as realistic sexual partners and lovers. But he's also the first gay dude i've met that I'm close to that I don't feel i have to hit on. He's gay but he's also Todd. He's also been there and done that with a lot of things and his advice is sound. So is Jason's. We talked about a lot of subjects, one of which was the first place I should do X in. More on that below.

After that, Jason and I rolled around the district, cashing checks and doing shit. I got a nasty shock when after paying my bill at Cricket I was told I couldn't get my phone repaired. So now I need to get a new phone. Yet again, I'm without communications. But...work can't call me in either. I'm once again, an island. So for the moment it's a push. Also, we talked more about life and cops and sex and cash advance places. 13 cash advance places in one metro area and only one check cashing outlet?! Fucking pathetic...

Between Jason and Todd today and the Boys (and Girl) of Summer showing up at my job Saturday night, I've been innundated with friends as of late. It feels nice as hell to have friends again who I can do shit with. Todd and Jason already extended me an invitation for the next time they roll and go to the gay club to join them. I will. pleasant surprise is permeating my face and soul right now. I like the idea that I have friends again. Mabye even true friends, given enough time. I'm so tired of being an isolationist exclusively cause of my life. Little things like driving to see me at work or offering to bring me to a friend's house to chill and talk...little things like that make me smile. I told Jason that the best part of my day was just riding in a car with a friend again without aggro. He smiled and told me that he understood and I believed him.

I like believing I can be a good friend again. I like believing I can need and take and give and provide again. A car would make it all the easier but mabye I can still do something now. Who knows? I am just glad I have friends again.

- Return To The Halo -

I'm back in the Chemical Halo again. Crystal this time and fucking fire shit this is. I'm still tweaking and we did our shit in the morning. So good. Also, I finally got my bean I wanted. I have the magic psychotic pill for the first time and it's making me slightly damp to think about the idea of first rolling. And yet...this brought up a lot of issues I talked about with Jason and Todd.

One of the biggest reasons why I didn't ever do drugs or drink till I was out of high school was the lack of good solid information on the subject from people who did what they did in moderation. I saw so many people doing stuff and doing it to either fill a hole or forget it all and it made me sick to watch it. I was deep in my own addictions at the time (read: masturbation as a sleeping aid and my own fantasy world dreams) and I didn't want to deal with something that my father surrendered to. The fear of addiction ruled my mind for a long time and then I figured something out: Addiction is truly a mental state.

This sounds fucked I know but think about how many people put themselves into debt over compulsive shopping. Gastric surgery to deal with eating to fill a loneliness pit inside of themselves? Sounds like addiction to me. I have figured out that for me, I can probably become addicted to ANYTHING. It's probably why I have such a hard time settling down and having just ONE interest that I'm dedicated to. I think subconsciously I'm running from the idea of addiction to anything. I like being temperate in my life and that includes drugs and alcohol. I want to try things that I feel can be done safely and good information is a part of that process. And part of that information is knowing when to say when. Knowing that the day I wake up and need a drink or a pill or that chocolate cake just to feel normal is the day I need to quit whatever it is I'm craving cold and just deal with the pain as only I do: stand fast and let it hit me square in the face. I cannot and WILL NOT let anything I do control my life like an addiction. Especially drugs.

But by the same state, I'm not going to demonize things anymore. I can't. Too many sides to life exist for me to do that without good fucking reason. And that takes information. I'm going to find out as much as I can about things because I never ever quite know just when things will need a rational decision made. I decided to ride the glass angel today because I knew I wanted to be productive and wanted to get by. I made the decision based on good information I had. Now if tonight goes well, all is well. If not, so be it. But I made a decision and I feel good about it regardless.

Our brains are funny. We can let issues ruin us or we can rise above and take on anything. I wonder sometimes about all those ancient tribes who took psychedelic substances all the time and STILL managed to build greatness because of it. I wonder what makes us so fragile that our minds rule what we can or cannot do and can or cannot take. I wonder if our soft lives have made us so blind to the idea that we can do more and be more.

Again, these are just thoughts. I won't ever do coke or heroin cause I honestly still believe that those are drugs I personally cannot handle. Tolerances are still tolerances. And I think I've found mine. Now it's time for me to explore the outer limits of life inside my limits.

- The Inner Demons And My Tea Parties With Them -

I need to know myself. I'm the only person I can truly know inside and out. Therefore, I must get deep inside myself and figure as much of this shit I out before I croak. I'm only going to get one good crack at it so everyday and every hour I do that. It's why I can't keep a girlfriend but it's also why I can have great conversations with people. I don't want to deal with shallow issues anymore as my modus operandi.

As such, my writing must conform to one simple axiom: No Fear. Period. I've compromised my work before in that regard and believe me, it's not a good thing to think about. There is such a thing as responsible censorship when talking of someone's life when it affects others who might see, hear or read it. But beyond making sure my writing never goes into the realm of bashing someone to get my feelings out, I don't give a fuck what someone reads about my life. In fact, I feel more alive when I get naked emotionally in my writing then when I get naked for someone who wants me. I want someone to strip my emotions naked and kiss them all over whilst the psychotic tendrils of the issues whip and snake around them. I want to do that to someone. I want someone all the way.

To have someone like that and to give yourself to someone like that is hard to achieve. I want to do it though, so the best thing I can do is do it myself and see who wants to give it a try. Ranting isn't getting emotionally naked, it's just bitching. Getting emotionally naked is understanding that you're not ever totally guilty or totally innocent in anything in your life. Once you realize that the main offender in a lot of personal issues can be yourself then can you get deeper inside yourself and change and grow and become more. I want someone who trusts me enough to want me get naked for them and for them to get naked for me. It's not that bad a thing to want in this day in age and I guess it works best when both people get it.

I have a short list of people I'd like to get naked with emotionally. They might know who they are and they might not. It's mostly women right now but I wouldn't be surprised if a few males came in in the near future. I'd like them to be in my world more then they are but time isn't right now. So be it.

But eventually, someone is going to be given an invitation to my tea party with my inner demons. Just watch out for sensuality demon. He's...odd. Sweet but odd.

- Closing Notes -
1. Lots of rain fell today. Flooding happened. It might be a long night at work. But I cook.
2. Buying a new phone sucks. I hate the idea that I resurrected my phone just to see it be put back onto the slab until it can get it's plug pulled. Literally. I can either buy a new phone and once again postpone my driving school needs or get driving school started and wait on the phone till i can get one that is still useable on the cheap. Cricket Communications fucking sucks.
3. Our house rent situation is up in the air right now. I'm not sure if we're going to not pay in protest or what. I hate being in limbo about my money like this especially this close to a watershed moment in my life. In about one week we'll find out what we're going to do. I might be on the road again.
4. Silence rules.
5. I'd love to get some feedback on what a good first time with X could be. Some suggestions would be nice.
6. I want a real date. I've got another girl whom I've made contact with at my job who I'm going to talk to in the near future. It would be nice if we had a date. She's cuddly. Of course, there is that little thing of having burning internet crushes to deal with...but I'll write about that another time.

I'm sleepy now. And a nap sounds like a good idea. Yup. So for now, later all.