bigblack81

- Clocked In -

Day 2 of a 6 Day run at work comes up tonight. I finally got those bastards to give me a consistent schedule. It's hard enough to do these all nighters without some sort of regularity to hold onto. I hate the rampant psychoticness of my job and the fact that money rules my life but it's something to do and someplace to go. It's hard to work tonight. Another pretty female who cannot call orders right or do the job well is working with me tonight and she used to be on management track. They took her off cause not only is she whiny, like beyond my own personal worst, but she's slow. And she sucks. And she forgets shit a lot. She's far too personal with the customers but got pissed when a dude slipped his tounge into her ear whilst on the clock.

And she's one of those recovering alcoholics/"indie" folk who simultaneously makes me all sorts of weirded out. She's not fake...she's just weird. I wanna fuck her and cradle her in my arms whilst I spray her insides with my juice and give her my collar...but I don't. And that's strange for me. With Amy I knew what the hell was up; I pined cause she was and still is a tart and a sweetie but also a complete whore and a psycho. With this new girl I just don't know. She has this outlook on things that bothers me: selective despising. Me, I hate EVERYONE. Therefore I can be ultra efficent with my work cause I don't have to like anyone I don't want to. But she's so damned transparent with her hatred and selectivity that it makes me nervous.

And why is it that I keep getting ho's who cannot do the job on third shift?!! I love women, and I love female servers. Gives me a chance to prune my hatred and gives me also a good foxhole bussy I can stare and pine at quietly. But dammit on a stick, can I get a female server under the age of thirty who can do the job with any sort of decent style and ability?! At least Amy, back when she was having good nights, had the ability. She just had no maturity at all. For anything. At any time. But the girls I've been working with, save my one night encounter with Nichole (She rules)m cannot do orders, table manage, watch the floor or clean for shit. Period. The girl I'm working with now is the fucking worst and we have a shop flow from night to night that isn't that hard. And yet I'm being written up and being considered the asshole for wanting to do shit on time and right and effectively.

I might suck but I want to get better. And I am. Every night. These girls have no qualms in sucking and then bitching that they don't ever get good tips. You know what? Fuck them hoes and fuck all bitches who think like them. I'm tired of no dedication to anything.

- Silence -

When I have nothing to say, I try to go silent a lot. It's hard for me to enjoy life when there is so little for me to be happy about on a day to day. I try to stay chipper but it's hard. I don't comment or write as much here cause it feels like my life right now is a broken record. No change and yet I want to change. I want to keep going and evolving. I want to see what dating is like sans the bullshit and it seems like so many folk right now in my area and in my life thrive on the bullshit. So for those reasons, I do silence a lot. It's easier.

On my buddy list there are so many names of girls I'd want to talk to but don't. I pine so much and burn so much that it's hard sometimes to just stop and relax. Loneliness makes it hard to not be this clinging, cloying faggot that I can be. And it's hard to not project that either. Being alone and isolated like this makes me bitter. It makes me feel like I'm blowing it and yet I'm not. Right now till the cash for driving school comes through, AND I'M ABLE TO NOT HAVE TO BAIL MY HOUSE OUT ALL THE DAMNED TIME!!!!, I'm still stuck to the grindstone. It all depresses me so much cause sometimes it's all I can do to stay afloat and chipper emotionally. Night to night I go to work and deal with happy people and they just piss me the hell off cause I envy the fuck out of them. I want to be happy again, dammit.

After the CNY party, when I was walking to the MARTA station, I felt so light and free inside. I had crashed all night on Sue's couch, drank myself into submission and my ride home from the Chattanooga Greyhound station was in question. And yet, I was happy. I was light and feeling alright. I was feeling more and more like myself all the time and I liked that feeling. I just wish I didn't have to put all my money towards these feelings. I shouldn't have gone out Valentine's day. I should have put that money forward this week with my bill money and gone to driving school. I have to deny myself companionship and people now to get what I want for the far future. I have to.

So why does this silence hurt so much? This kind of isolation used to be what I craved. Why am I now rusting inside?

- Envy -

I envy a lot of people. I shouldn't. They have the same kind of issues I do and hide it better. But they're just like me. I still envy them though.

It's like reading a lot of the ATL Crew's diaries on the site and seeing where they go out a lot and do things a lot. I want to be a part of that. I want to shop for a crew. I hate representing a section of town where things never happen and people are ok with that. I wish I didn't take my job so damned seriously so I could have fun with the folk who are there and come in and wouldn't mind me being a part of their crew. But when you work when everyone else plays, that kind of becomes a little undoable.

So at the end of the day, I read all these happy journals and I envy a lot. I envy and I pine and I yearn cause I want to hang with folk and go out and be friends and be more then just an internet prince. I want more out of my life and when I see people building networks and becoming more whilst I stand still, I envy. Green is my color cause envy is my primary emotion.

Some say the root of all evil is coveting what someone else has. So why then do I feel when I try to get deep inside my self all I find in myself? Why do I feel like without coveting we'd never have the ability or the resources or the desire to try and drive and be? Why is Satisfaction The Death Of Desire? If being satisfied works then I should be perfectly happy with being alone and being me. I should have the smug self righteousness of being all one. Alone. And I don't. And I don't want to have that. My best is when I'm giving of myself to someone else. My best is me giving and me taking. And to do that, people have to be around. I have to want it bad enough to strive for it. And the fuel for striving is coveting. And envy.

So at the end of the day, I'm an envious coveter. Good. I want it all and nothing is wrong with that anymore.

- End Notes -
1. I like LibertyLux and we've never spoken online to one another. I want to. Soon. I'd prefer to meet her and have coffee with her but who knows? Mabye that's another pipe dream. But I still want it.
2. When I get my car, the second thing I will do is get pussy. The third thing I will do is learn how to paint Bob Ross style. But the first thing I will do is get back on day shift. Night shift is fine for taking drugs, bad for a social life. We need people willing to go out in the morning and hang out when everyone else is working just for balance. Or at least, I do.
3. I've been eating bacon for the last few nights at work. I think I'll have bacon and pancakes for dinner tonight and more sweet cold coffee. With powdered creamer I will buy from the store tonight as well. Yes.
4. Tonight must be a money night. Just so I can kill.
5. Eventually I'm going to put up the crush list. Everyone on SG who I have a crush on will be on it. You all know who you are and if you don't...you will. Be aware.

skittles_delight, thank you for making my background so much more appealing to me as the days go by. You make dreams that much more pleasing to get lost in. Lecia, thanks. I'll return the favor soon. LaShawn, I want to talk soon. Please make time for negro. Please.

But for now, that's the end of the story. Good night and good luck. Holla back.