First and foremost, an update on the house situation. Apparently Walter IS coming back to the ranch and he and his wife are going to try to work shit out. So my ride and my running buddy is back. Driving school is now an option again in the next part of the month. Rule. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now to clean the entire kitchen before he and Brian, my other roommate, get home. I feel so good and light for now.
Well, as light as a lonely black emo boy CAN be, of course.
I do feel better. New porn, a new documentary about Fred Phelps on BitTorrent and strange music by electronic music pioneer Bruce Haack makes a happy negro. I love being geeky and downloading. And with Walter coming back, odds are good that the dump drive will be back so I can do more burning and dumping to the collective hive.
So, to summarize: House is quiet and peaceful, new porn and music on my harddrive, work transportation is no longer an issue.
Onto business.
- Conversations On AIM To Be Used As Social Research For Progressive Dating -
I'm guilty of a lot of things in my life. Being a pervert, liking lots of geeky shit, selling out my own race (apparently), all of it I'm mad guilty of. But one thing I'm guilty with a smile of is the recording of chat logs that I find interesting and/or informative. as some of you know, I'm all about using AIM as an adjunct to trying to find and meet girls online and in the real world. I just think it's a way to advance the cause if used correctly. But I also use it to talk to people about things that they normally wouldn't.
Like race and dating. as of late, a lot of my musings have been about me being black and wanting to date girls more into my shit. It's hard to find many black geeky girls let alone black girls who like the music and books I do. So a lot of my dating pool is white or other races, right? It seems to me that a black dude gets the immediate cold shoulder or fear. I've noticed this a lot at my job when i try to talk to girls in packs who look like they might be down and it seems like they recoil when I come by.
I, being the intelligent lad that I am, refuse to just classify and categorize people like most would and so, I've decided to talk to girls online and get their opinions on things. That and flirt with them. Shamelessly. With a blush.
Over the next few entries, I'll be posting some conversations and snippets from convo's that I've found interesting. For now, here are two that have happened in the last few days. Both have been unedited except to remove screen names. Anyone who wants them taken down who I talked to, please say so and i'll do it with mad quickness.
Ok. Girl One. Coming up.
-0-
Me: hey. BigBlack81. SG. Holla back.
She: hiya
Me: thanx for the comment. wanted to holla at ya for a while now cause of your dating profile and post in DS but haven't.
Me: glad to do so now.
She: Awww, thanks
She:
Me: how are you today?
She: I'm good
She: Getting ready to go watch the Atlanta-Philly game, but doing some posting first
Me: I'm trying to get warm in my house to watch the Pat-Steelers game later.
Me: need to get back to sleep as I
Me: I'm tired but I'm cold and have an earache
She: awwww, poor thing
Me: so I'm posting and heating my ear with a hair dryer till the pain goes down.
Me: I'm serious; my journal is doom and gloom a lot cause my LIFE is doom and gloom a lot.
Me: I'd like to be happy but where I am is making happiness a rare commidity.
She: I know how that feels, I have been there
She: It really sucks sometimes. I go through that every so often. I have a fantastic family and wonderful friends, just sometimes I want that person to call every day
Me: I don't even want that right now: I just want someone close by me once in a while. I'm THAT isolated out here.
She: Yikes
Me: work and home are my life and that's hard.
She: I do understand. When I first moved down here, I looked forward to going to work, because there were people there
Me: it's why I spend so much money for SG events in ATL. it's close to 55 bucks for me to get down to an event before I even DO anything but to meet people and hang out and mabye flirt with a girl is worth the money. but the fact that I have to pay that much for it and go so far is hard.
Me: I work at a Waffle House.
Me: most people there think I'm weird and nutty. I am, but I also want to deal with folk more like me.
She: Everyone is weird and nutty in their own way. That's one of the reasons SG is so great, diversity is celebrated
She: How far is Atlanta from you?
Me: about 2 hours one way.
She: That's not too bad
Me: but it's hard as well cause I'm black in a very deeply white scene. no real doubt about it.
She: I can feel that.
Me: not really but I don't drive. so it's greyhound all the way.
She: Oh, I gotcha
She: Not that I have ever been black in a mostly white area, but I can see how that would be hard
Me: granted, this does have some advantages: when drunk, I don't have to worry about a designated driver to get home. I already have one.
She: hee hee
Me: It's just hard. I've found a bustling hardcore/screamo underground in the area but the distance/no driving thing is beating my ass. and my flatmates aren't making the situation any easier by limiting where I can go because they drive and I don't.
Me: and yet, I have been paying the majority of the bills while they don't work and are in the middle of a divorce.
Me: <-- sighs
She: Yikes!!!!
She: =-O
Me: you really need to dig into my journals. this isn't the normal "I'm sad, feel sorry for me" stuff. This is hard shit.
Me: this is why I have such a nasty additude all the time. all I see is people fucking up and I just cannot make a change right now. I'd like to and would do it in a heartbeart.
She: I definitely will read more of them, probably tonight
She: Sunday is my "deep thinking" night
Me: this is also why, switching a bit here, I do love Dating Sucks and think it needs to be continued. I'm sad Tall left but he has mad valid reasons for going....and the fact that he was offlist bashed, well...that's just intolerable.
She: I agree
She: That was big deal with the whole situation. Fine, you don't agree with his comments, that's not an issue, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But when he told me he got emails off the site for it, that just got me angry
Me: I'm just a little bit suspect of Swanlee's moderation. I think he's doing a good job overall but he's also a driving whip here for a lot of the anti-woman sentiment. And there is a lot of it.
Me: Agreed.
Me: and personally, that he did get e-mails makes me mad since I've run sites like this before and made it abundantly clear upfront that offlist bashing would result in kickbans and onlist blacklisting.
Me: I love good vicious mean spirited debate on the boards but ONLY on the boards.
She: right!
She: That's how I feel
Me: I need more room for porn ads in my mailbox, not flames...
Me: <-- snorts
She: Even the guy I am seeing will blast me a bit on the boards...
Me: So you HAVE found someone.
Me: good.
She: Well, kinda
She: We've been seeing each other about a month....he's just not sure what he wants right now
Me: <-- nods
She: Which, I am okay with. I don't want someone to rush into a relationship with me because they think that is what I want.
She: It just gets a little frustrating
Me: your opinion for a moment: I'm black and the scene I love is white. As a white woman, what would you personally feel about a black guy hitting on you at a show or at a bar? And please, I'm asking for unvarnished truth here. be brutal.
She: brb...I'll contemplate that, plus, I need to put some make-up on
Me: ok.
Me: it's nearly football time.
She: yep
She: Okay, I wanted to think about how to word this
She: I am curvy, which means I get hit on a lot by black men. I don't get offended or upset about it, I appreciate that they find me attractive. Now, when I think about my future family, the husband I see in my future is not black, but part of that comes from growing up in a small town I think. I have gone out with one black man in my life, and he was wonderful. We hit it off, but he had just gotten divorced, so he wasn't ready to really date.
She: I think that everyone can be beautiful, whether they are black, white, green, yellow, whatever.
Does that answer your question?
Me: yes it does. one or two more though:
1. What do you think, as a while woman, is the big issue as to color vs. attractiveness? IE, I've been fed this line in the scene for a long time that "color doesn't matter" and yet the girls I talk to all have a no brown preference. I'm puzzled by this as I'm more emo then most skinny white dudes I know and more emotionally developed as well. If color is the barrier and color shouldn't have a barrier in this scene, what then is the issue?
She: That's a really good question.
Me: 2. Do you think that a lot of girls here in this scene and overall have issues with not seeing the forest for the individual trees?
She: Honestly, that is a really hard question to answer. I don't see a difference. I find Michael Vick extremely attractive....and I also find Brad Pitt attractive. So I don't really see a difference. One thing I do find though (and it may be because I am white), is that when a black man hits on me, it isn't usually to get my number or ask me out, it's almost as if he wants to take me home. Now, don't get me wrong, there are white men as well who do that too.
She: For instance, the bar I was at Friday was a (for lack of a better term) "black bar". I was one of about 5 white people there. One guy who was hitting on me was extremely touchy-feeling and freaked me out....not because he was black, but because he was in my personal space
Me: <-- nods
Me: I think that's a black thing; we are touchy feely by design. we put a huge emphasis on the bump and grind, for lack of a better term. but I also know full well the issues of personal space. I'm an isolationist; I should.
Me: And yes, Mike Vick is hot ass.
Me:
Me: Do you think though that a lot of misconceptions about who black people really are and can be prevail in the scene? I wonder because I'm part of the community on AfroPunk.com and we talk a lot about the issues we face as brown punks and skins and emo heads.
Me: and we talk a lot about kids in the scene, who are supposedly so enlightened, dropping some dumb assed shit.
She: And, keep in mind, living in the south, many people don't take well to interracial dating. Soooo, maybe that could be a reason why they don't ask me out
Me: Actually, as a notherner, there's more shit overall up there.
Me: sounds crazy but it's true.
She: AND, for the most part, I am pretty preppy....Yes, I have my tats and my piercings, but they aren't always out for everyone
She: Really? I thought that would be more of a Bible Belt thing
Me: Not at all. It's more open here but there is that Southern defiance. So long as you come correct, even the hardest racist rednecks have to stand down, normally, since the know that defiant stand. they may hate it but most respect it.
Me: up north, especially New England, it's much much smarmier. it's very much smile with your lips and stab them behind your back. very old money, very "boys club".
She: gotcha
Me: it's very much all about liberal condescencion as salve on the wound of being white and priviledged and isolated.
She: gotcha
She: I absolutely hate to run, but my best friend is hounding me
Me: we'll talk more soon. mind if I add you to here and SG?
She: Will you be on later?
Me: of course.
Me:
She: No, definitely add me :-D
Me: I'm a geek. plus I'm off tonight.
Me: later.
She: I'll be back this evening. Thank you for the conversation so far!
She: bye!
Me: go falcons
Me:
She: Yay!!
-0-
And Girl 2 is right here. All up ons.
-0-
Me: hi. BigBlack81. SG. I'm not bored but I have wanted to speak to you for a bit soo...
Me: <-- smirks
She: aw yeeeeah
She: hiya dolly
Me: I am all up ons
Me: how are you this evening?
She: ummmmm......... relieved
She: but you know you should typein an accent
She: it's more honest
She: come say yall for me or something
She: all tennesse like
Me: I don't speak in an accent. hell, my friend at home calls me the whitest black dude on earth.
Me: ya'll.
She: hehheh yay
She: i love accents
Me: remember, I'm from the north.
She: you don't have a southern accent at all?
Me: I'm a yankee.
She: oh...i forgot... *yank*
Me: New England pride.
She: Right....i'm such the idiot
Me: go Patriots!
She: new hampshire
She: ?
She: right?
She: no?
Me: Connecticut
She: ahhhh
Me: New Haven
She: close enough
She: i so get half credit
Me: yes you do.
She: thanks
Me: just to clarify, my first question to you in reply is part of a study I'm doing through SG, MySpace, AIM, etc.
She: so you're not a creepy internet sexual predator are you?
Me: I used to be. then I got laid. now I'm just a man looking for love in all the wrong places.
Me:
She: oh...it's sociologically based?....a racial/ethnographic study on the dating standards and "policies" of interracial interaction???
Me: somewhat. but it's also for me to find out more about what makes girls in this modern era tick. so many girls I'm finding are anti-black guys of all sorts and I'm just not sure why. all other races are more welcome to the party but black dudes are mad excluded.
She: Well I don't believe in love....not in the oh whoa is me NO ONE loves me way...i have VERY specific opinions on the subject and it's social consequences
She: hmmmm
Me: I want to date a girl who I can go to a show with for once.
She: i can't say too much cuz i am not a blk man
She: but
She: i have an opinon
Me: shoot.
She: as far as girls' image of black men...the image is so skewed by thug life and the glory given to ghetto fabulous lifestyles
She: that it's hard to see anything but whats whoen in the media
She: so
She: a lot of girls
She: don't know that there are black guys who speak properly and have education
She: the black culture has been injured
She: this is my opinion
She: the culture itself has been like degraded by a minority within the minorty
She: so
She: if proper and actual black guys like you and my friends were exhalted like Ja rule
She: then people wouldn't be SO pre-influences
She: influenced
She: i don't think it's prejudice
She: it's influence
She: wait i'm rambling
She: i'm sorry
She: it do that
Me: dear, you're doing fucking awesome.
Me:
She: lol
Me: keep going.
She: ok
She: i'll make one last point before i say too much
She: the civil rights movement was like all about nonviolence and brother hood amongst the races
She: and then people started to branch off because not everyone wants to be friendly...some people can't get past revenge
She: and when the civil rights act passed i think that the movement slowed
Me: it did
She: and now that this image of black culture as percieved by hip hop and as defined as nothing more than hip hop takes over pop culture and is exlpoited no one is stand up and saying
She: wait i'm black and i'm a young man and i'm educated and i DON"T live for basketball....
She: not that those things are bad, but theres NO options or opposing views being expressed
She: and just accepting these pop icons that are negative has just like....stopped progress
She: because theres SO much more to civil rights than just affirmative action and whatever
She: ok i'm done
She: god sorry
She: i guess i had something to say on the subject
She: haha
Me: the idea that because no other options were put forward for black expression but hip hop culture then when the culture became the mainstream without any other outlets black expression was pigeonholed?
Me: and do not fucking apologize! I wanted someone to rant on this. you have no idea how hard it is to get white folk to just give me their side of the story. cause it is a two sided issue.
Me: as much as black leaders and pundits would like to say otherwise.
She: My point is that black culture is more than soul food and hip hop. But not enough black people are saying, hey, I'm out here too and I'm more than the booty shakin video girls....
She: I don't even wanna start on how i feel about black women and what they go through
She: !!!
She: I see all sides of the issues....I have hung out with skin heads, black punks, gangsters, thugs, common folks, all races and religions...
Me: see, here's the thing: I want a girl who is into what I'm into. And most black girls just aren't. Period. But I'm all over the map. I might be an SG member but believe me, you're more apt to see me chilling with some dudes at an old blues club then a punk show. Unless it's a great house show and then it'd be a toss up.
She: Chicago is one of the most segragated cities in the country
She: Yeah I'm not into punk
She: Like I said...I'm from Chicago Blues or DIE
Me: so for me, I'm dealing with this because my dating pool is limited by the choice of interests I have. I WILL NOT kowtow to modern black culture policy lines nor will I stop living my life and interests for anyone else. I like what I do and I like how I'm growing.
And yes. Blues or die. Funny how so many black kids don't know the real blues....
Me: <-- snorts
Me: I'm cutting with a crew on AfroPunk.com and they're giving me good feedback but I've been wanting to get some SG's opinions since these are the girls and mnembers I want to date. Hell, one girl who's black on the site I'm absolutely heads for but she's going through issues right now and I'm laying back a bit.
She: oh sorry to hear that
She: i hope it works out
She: What do you like about her?
Me: I hope so too. But it's not going to break me if it doesn't. But what is breaking me is that I'm going onto myspace and SG and match and finding girls with either so many needs it's like they're damming themselves to failure or those who say "all will be thought about" but don't and they know it. I'd like to know why me, as a black male on the other side of the line, is going to be ostracized for not being conformist, the very thing hip hop was all about at the beginning.
Me: 3 things:
1. She's black and understands my issues as a black person not towing the line.
2. She's bi. She knows how I, as a Bi male, thinks.
Me: and 3: She's a psw.
Me: fucking hawt. intelligent, funny, and hawt. and relevant.
Me: rare do I find all of them so close. and yet so far.
She: give it time
She:
She: you're still so young
Me: like you're old?
Me: it just bothers me. I want to have people in my life who share my interests so it's natural to me that I find people who I want to date who share my interests.
Me: all my girlfriends have never understood why I was straight edge as a kid or why I wanted to listen to ska over country or rap.
Me: or why spending 200 on some nike's just pissed me off.
She: lol right
Me: the girls who did were and are chasing after those who are like them: skinny white dudes with girl pants and studded belts.
Me: so a guy like me, a chimeria, just sort of wanders around.
She: well theres a match for you
She: you'll find her
She: give it time
Me: I hope so. all this porn is making my mind numb.
Me: <-- sighs
She: maybe you should stop looking so hard
She: you know what they say about lady bugs
She: i went t a field to search for lady bugs....i couldn't find any...i searched so hard i tired myself out and had to sit and take a nap in the sun...whn i wole up i was covered in lady bugs....
Me: point.
Me: I don't agree with it for no other reason then when you stay in your house all the time and don't go out because you CAN'T and work is your only outlet to the outside world, measures have to be made to give you a chance to let those ladybugs crawl.
Me: see, I don't go out cause I hate the world, I don't go out cause I live 25 miles from the city and I don't drive. never learned. never needed to.
Me: till now.
She: wow
She: i live for my car
She: i love driving
She: you should SO get a car!!!!
Me: I'm working on it. but if you've read my journal, you know my home life right now is kinda fucked.
She: god i'm hungry...what should i have for dinner? breakfast or lunch?
Me: lunch
She: ok...
She: yeah i read it
She: i know it's easier said than done of course
She: how long will you be around?
Me: well, now with the late developments from today, a little longer then I thought.
Me: the roommate and his wife are getting back together.
Me: so hopefully next month I can start driving school.
Me: http://url.removed.out.of.respect.org
Me: the girl I was talking about.
Me: to put it shortly, she likes me but she has an on and off relationship with a guy she recently decided to go back on with. she sent me a letter that devestated me but I took it well. she went invisible but then came back and now this.
Me: and now I'm so numb about caring about people I just said what i needed to say and walked. emotional distance is already happening.
She: oh yeah i know her, i've seen her around
Me: she's fucking wonderful. were I closer, I
Me: I'd so be trying.
Me: <-- bites his lip a moment and shakes it off
She: yeah no worries.....
She: you want me to hit you back after i get done eating lunch for dinner?
Me: sure
She:
Me: I'll be doig much the same.
She: okey dokey then
Me: later.
She: ok.....later skater
-0-
- End Notes -
1. I've been sleeping more then a little bit. Sleep is good.
2. My payment for my Jukebox Zen has been approved and hopefully the item will be sent out today. I'm so looking forward to not having to deal with Waffle House music anymore.
3. I bought a subscription to LargeFriends.com in the hope that I can find a girl close by to date. Yes, I know this is mining the already dry hole but I gotta know if dating down here is impossible or not. Results as they come in.
4. Work has been getting weird. All the attempts at family i've been trying to get with on Third Shift have come to naught. One of those who I thought liked me has ratted me out and stole money from my register several times. It's war now. Time to show them what a real rock and roll nigga can do.
5. Thank you to everyone who's commented and made me feel good. It's a lot to me now that I'm basically home and work bound. Thank you.
And on that note, I'm out. Later.
Well, as light as a lonely black emo boy CAN be, of course.
I do feel better. New porn, a new documentary about Fred Phelps on BitTorrent and strange music by electronic music pioneer Bruce Haack makes a happy negro. I love being geeky and downloading. And with Walter coming back, odds are good that the dump drive will be back so I can do more burning and dumping to the collective hive.
So, to summarize: House is quiet and peaceful, new porn and music on my harddrive, work transportation is no longer an issue.
Onto business.
- Conversations On AIM To Be Used As Social Research For Progressive Dating -
I'm guilty of a lot of things in my life. Being a pervert, liking lots of geeky shit, selling out my own race (apparently), all of it I'm mad guilty of. But one thing I'm guilty with a smile of is the recording of chat logs that I find interesting and/or informative. as some of you know, I'm all about using AIM as an adjunct to trying to find and meet girls online and in the real world. I just think it's a way to advance the cause if used correctly. But I also use it to talk to people about things that they normally wouldn't.
Like race and dating. as of late, a lot of my musings have been about me being black and wanting to date girls more into my shit. It's hard to find many black geeky girls let alone black girls who like the music and books I do. So a lot of my dating pool is white or other races, right? It seems to me that a black dude gets the immediate cold shoulder or fear. I've noticed this a lot at my job when i try to talk to girls in packs who look like they might be down and it seems like they recoil when I come by.
I, being the intelligent lad that I am, refuse to just classify and categorize people like most would and so, I've decided to talk to girls online and get their opinions on things. That and flirt with them.
Shamelessly. With a blush.
Over the next few entries, I'll be posting some conversations and snippets from convo's that I've found interesting. For now, here are two that have happened in the last few days. Both have been unedited except to remove screen names. Anyone who wants them taken down who I talked to, please say so and i'll do it with mad quickness.
Ok. Girl One. Coming up.
-0-
Me: hey. BigBlack81. SG. Holla back.
She: hiya
Me: thanx for the comment. wanted to holla at ya for a while now cause of your dating profile and post in DS but haven't.
Me: glad to do so now.
She: Awww, thanks
She:
Me: how are you today?
She: I'm good
She: Getting ready to go watch the Atlanta-Philly game, but doing some posting first
Me: I'm trying to get warm in my house to watch the Pat-Steelers game later.
Me: need to get back to sleep as I
Me: I'm tired but I'm cold and have an earache
She: awwww, poor thing
Me: so I'm posting and heating my ear with a hair dryer till the pain goes down.
Me: I'm serious; my journal is doom and gloom a lot cause my LIFE is doom and gloom a lot.
Me: I'd like to be happy but where I am is making happiness a rare commidity.
She: I know how that feels, I have been there
She: It really sucks sometimes. I go through that every so often. I have a fantastic family and wonderful friends, just sometimes I want that person to call every day
Me: I don't even want that right now: I just want someone close by me once in a while. I'm THAT isolated out here.
She: Yikes
Me: work and home are my life and that's hard.
She: I do understand. When I first moved down here, I looked forward to going to work, because there were people there
Me: it's why I spend so much money for SG events in ATL. it's close to 55 bucks for me to get down to an event before I even DO anything but to meet people and hang out and mabye flirt with a girl is worth the money. but the fact that I have to pay that much for it and go so far is hard.
Me: I work at a Waffle House.
Me: most people there think I'm weird and nutty. I am, but I also want to deal with folk more like me.
She: Everyone is weird and nutty in their own way. That's one of the reasons SG is so great, diversity is celebrated
She: How far is Atlanta from you?
Me: about 2 hours one way.
She: That's not too bad
Me: but it's hard as well cause I'm black in a very deeply white scene. no real doubt about it.
She: I can feel that.
Me: not really but I don't drive. so it's greyhound all the way.
She: Oh, I gotcha
She: Not that I have ever been black in a mostly white area, but I can see how that would be hard
Me: granted, this does have some advantages: when drunk, I don't have to worry about a designated driver to get home. I already have one.
She: hee hee
Me: It's just hard. I've found a bustling hardcore/screamo underground in the area but the distance/no driving thing is beating my ass. and my flatmates aren't making the situation any easier by limiting where I can go because they drive and I don't.
Me: and yet, I have been paying the majority of the bills while they don't work and are in the middle of a divorce.
Me: <-- sighs
She: Yikes!!!!
She: =-O
Me: you really need to dig into my journals. this isn't the normal "I'm sad, feel sorry for me" stuff. This is hard shit.
Me: this is why I have such a nasty additude all the time. all I see is people fucking up and I just cannot make a change right now. I'd like to and would do it in a heartbeart.
She: I definitely will read more of them, probably tonight
She: Sunday is my "deep thinking" night
Me: this is also why, switching a bit here, I do love Dating Sucks and think it needs to be continued. I'm sad Tall left but he has mad valid reasons for going....and the fact that he was offlist bashed, well...that's just intolerable.
She: I agree
She: That was big deal with the whole situation. Fine, you don't agree with his comments, that's not an issue, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But when he told me he got emails off the site for it, that just got me angry
Me: I'm just a little bit suspect of Swanlee's moderation. I think he's doing a good job overall but he's also a driving whip here for a lot of the anti-woman sentiment. And there is a lot of it.
Me: Agreed.
Me: and personally, that he did get e-mails makes me mad since I've run sites like this before and made it abundantly clear upfront that offlist bashing would result in kickbans and onlist blacklisting.
Me: I love good vicious mean spirited debate on the boards but ONLY on the boards.
She: right!
She: That's how I feel
Me: I need more room for porn ads in my mailbox, not flames...
Me: <-- snorts
She: Even the guy I am seeing will blast me a bit on the boards...
Me: So you HAVE found someone.
Me: good.
She: Well, kinda
She: We've been seeing each other about a month....he's just not sure what he wants right now
Me: <-- nods
She: Which, I am okay with. I don't want someone to rush into a relationship with me because they think that is what I want.
She: It just gets a little frustrating
Me: your opinion for a moment: I'm black and the scene I love is white. As a white woman, what would you personally feel about a black guy hitting on you at a show or at a bar? And please, I'm asking for unvarnished truth here. be brutal.
She: brb...I'll contemplate that, plus, I need to put some make-up on
Me: ok.
Me: it's nearly football time.
She: yep
She: Okay, I wanted to think about how to word this
She: I am curvy, which means I get hit on a lot by black men. I don't get offended or upset about it, I appreciate that they find me attractive. Now, when I think about my future family, the husband I see in my future is not black, but part of that comes from growing up in a small town I think. I have gone out with one black man in my life, and he was wonderful. We hit it off, but he had just gotten divorced, so he wasn't ready to really date.
She: I think that everyone can be beautiful, whether they are black, white, green, yellow, whatever.
Does that answer your question?
Me: yes it does. one or two more though:
1. What do you think, as a while woman, is the big issue as to color vs. attractiveness? IE, I've been fed this line in the scene for a long time that "color doesn't matter" and yet the girls I talk to all have a no brown preference. I'm puzzled by this as I'm more emo then most skinny white dudes I know and more emotionally developed as well. If color is the barrier and color shouldn't have a barrier in this scene, what then is the issue?
She: That's a really good question.
Me: 2. Do you think that a lot of girls here in this scene and overall have issues with not seeing the forest for the individual trees?
She: Honestly, that is a really hard question to answer. I don't see a difference. I find Michael Vick extremely attractive....and I also find Brad Pitt attractive. So I don't really see a difference. One thing I do find though (and it may be because I am white), is that when a black man hits on me, it isn't usually to get my number or ask me out, it's almost as if he wants to take me home. Now, don't get me wrong, there are white men as well who do that too.
She: For instance, the bar I was at Friday was a (for lack of a better term) "black bar". I was one of about 5 white people there. One guy who was hitting on me was extremely touchy-feeling and freaked me out....not because he was black, but because he was in my personal space
Me: <-- nods
Me: I think that's a black thing; we are touchy feely by design. we put a huge emphasis on the bump and grind, for lack of a better term. but I also know full well the issues of personal space. I'm an isolationist; I should.
Me: And yes, Mike Vick is hot ass.
Me:
Me: Do you think though that a lot of misconceptions about who black people really are and can be prevail in the scene? I wonder because I'm part of the community on AfroPunk.com and we talk a lot about the issues we face as brown punks and skins and emo heads.
Me: and we talk a lot about kids in the scene, who are supposedly so enlightened, dropping some dumb assed shit.
She: And, keep in mind, living in the south, many people don't take well to interracial dating. Soooo, maybe that could be a reason why they don't ask me out
Me: Actually, as a notherner, there's more shit overall up there.
Me: sounds crazy but it's true.
She: AND, for the most part, I am pretty preppy....Yes, I have my tats and my piercings, but they aren't always out for everyone
She: Really? I thought that would be more of a Bible Belt thing
Me: Not at all. It's more open here but there is that Southern defiance. So long as you come correct, even the hardest racist rednecks have to stand down, normally, since the know that defiant stand. they may hate it but most respect it.
Me: up north, especially New England, it's much much smarmier. it's very much smile with your lips and stab them behind your back. very old money, very "boys club".
She: gotcha
Me: it's very much all about liberal condescencion as salve on the wound of being white and priviledged and isolated.
She: gotcha
She: I absolutely hate to run, but my best friend is hounding me
Me: we'll talk more soon. mind if I add you to here and SG?
She: Will you be on later?
Me: of course.
Me:
She: No, definitely add me :-D
Me: I'm a geek. plus I'm off tonight.
Me: later.
She: I'll be back this evening. Thank you for the conversation so far!
She: bye!
Me: go falcons
Me:
She: Yay!!
-0-
And Girl 2 is right here. All up ons.
-0-
Me: hi. BigBlack81. SG. I'm not bored but I have wanted to speak to you for a bit soo...
Me: <-- smirks
She: aw yeeeeah
She: hiya dolly
Me: I am all up ons
Me: how are you this evening?
She: ummmmm......... relieved
She: but you know you should typein an accent
She: it's more honest
She: come say yall for me or something
She: all tennesse like
Me: I don't speak in an accent. hell, my friend at home calls me the whitest black dude on earth.
Me: ya'll.
She: hehheh yay
She: i love accents
Me: remember, I'm from the north.
She: you don't have a southern accent at all?
Me: I'm a yankee.
She: oh...i forgot... *yank*
Me: New England pride.
She: Right....i'm such the idiot
Me: go Patriots!
She: new hampshire
She: ?
She: right?
She: no?
Me: Connecticut
She: ahhhh
Me: New Haven
She: close enough
She: i so get half credit
Me: yes you do.
She: thanks
Me: just to clarify, my first question to you in reply is part of a study I'm doing through SG, MySpace, AIM, etc.
She: so you're not a creepy internet sexual predator are you?
Me: I used to be. then I got laid. now I'm just a man looking for love in all the wrong places.
Me:
She: oh...it's sociologically based?....a racial/ethnographic study on the dating standards and "policies" of interracial interaction???
Me: somewhat. but it's also for me to find out more about what makes girls in this modern era tick. so many girls I'm finding are anti-black guys of all sorts and I'm just not sure why. all other races are more welcome to the party but black dudes are mad excluded.
She: Well I don't believe in love....not in the oh whoa is me NO ONE loves me way...i have VERY specific opinions on the subject and it's social consequences
She: hmmmm
Me: I want to date a girl who I can go to a show with for once.
She: i can't say too much cuz i am not a blk man
She: but
She: i have an opinon
Me: shoot.
She: as far as girls' image of black men...the image is so skewed by thug life and the glory given to ghetto fabulous lifestyles
She: that it's hard to see anything but whats whoen in the media
She: so
She: a lot of girls
She: don't know that there are black guys who speak properly and have education
She: the black culture has been injured
She: this is my opinion
She: the culture itself has been like degraded by a minority within the minorty
She: so
She: if proper and actual black guys like you and my friends were exhalted like Ja rule
She: then people wouldn't be SO pre-influences
She: influenced
She: i don't think it's prejudice
She: it's influence
She: wait i'm rambling
She: i'm sorry
She: it do that
Me: dear, you're doing fucking awesome.
Me:
She: lol
Me: keep going.
She: ok
She: i'll make one last point before i say too much
She: the civil rights movement was like all about nonviolence and brother hood amongst the races
She: and then people started to branch off because not everyone wants to be friendly...some people can't get past revenge
She: and when the civil rights act passed i think that the movement slowed
Me: it did
She: and now that this image of black culture as percieved by hip hop and as defined as nothing more than hip hop takes over pop culture and is exlpoited no one is stand up and saying
She: wait i'm black and i'm a young man and i'm educated and i DON"T live for basketball....
She: not that those things are bad, but theres NO options or opposing views being expressed
She: and just accepting these pop icons that are negative has just like....stopped progress
She: because theres SO much more to civil rights than just affirmative action and whatever
She: ok i'm done
She: god sorry
She: i guess i had something to say on the subject
She: haha
Me: the idea that because no other options were put forward for black expression but hip hop culture then when the culture became the mainstream without any other outlets black expression was pigeonholed?
Me: and do not fucking apologize! I wanted someone to rant on this. you have no idea how hard it is to get white folk to just give me their side of the story. cause it is a two sided issue.
Me: as much as black leaders and pundits would like to say otherwise.
She: My point is that black culture is more than soul food and hip hop. But not enough black people are saying, hey, I'm out here too and I'm more than the booty shakin video girls....
She: I don't even wanna start on how i feel about black women and what they go through
She: !!!
She: I see all sides of the issues....I have hung out with skin heads, black punks, gangsters, thugs, common folks, all races and religions...
Me: see, here's the thing: I want a girl who is into what I'm into. And most black girls just aren't. Period. But I'm all over the map. I might be an SG member but believe me, you're more apt to see me chilling with some dudes at an old blues club then a punk show. Unless it's a great house show and then it'd be a toss up.
She: Chicago is one of the most segragated cities in the country
She: Yeah I'm not into punk
She: Like I said...I'm from Chicago
Blues or DIE
Me: so for me, I'm dealing with this because my dating pool is limited by the choice of interests I have. I WILL NOT kowtow to modern black culture policy lines nor will I stop living my life and interests for anyone else. I like what I do and I like how I'm growing.
And yes. Blues or die. Funny how so many black kids don't know the real blues....
Me: <-- snorts
Me: I'm cutting with a crew on AfroPunk.com and they're giving me good feedback but I've been wanting to get some SG's opinions since these are the girls and mnembers I want to date. Hell, one girl who's black on the site I'm absolutely heads for but she's going through issues right now and I'm laying back a bit.
She: oh sorry to hear that
She: i hope it works out
She: What do you like about her?
Me: I hope so too. But it's not going to break me if it doesn't. But what is breaking me is that I'm going onto myspace and SG and match and finding girls with either so many needs it's like they're damming themselves to failure or those who say "all will be thought about" but don't and they know it. I'd like to know why me, as a black male on the other side of the line, is going to be ostracized for not being conformist, the very thing hip hop was all about at the beginning.
Me: 3 things:
1. She's black and understands my issues as a black person not towing the line.
2. She's bi. She knows how I, as a Bi male, thinks.
Me: and 3: She's a psw.
Me: fucking hawt. intelligent, funny, and hawt. and relevant.
Me: rare do I find all of them so close. and yet so far.
She: give it time
She:
She: you're still so young
Me: like you're old?
Me: it just bothers me. I want to have people in my life who share my interests so it's natural to me that I find people who I want to date who share my interests.
Me: all my girlfriends have never understood why I was straight edge as a kid or why I wanted to listen to ska over country or rap.
Me: or why spending 200 on some nike's just pissed me off.
She: lol right
Me: the girls who did were and are chasing after those who are like them: skinny white dudes with girl pants and studded belts.
Me: so a guy like me, a chimeria, just sort of wanders around.
She: well theres a match for you
She: you'll find her
She: give it time
Me: I hope so. all this porn is making my mind numb.
Me: <-- sighs
She: maybe you should stop looking so hard
She: you know what they say about lady bugs
She: i went t a field to search for lady bugs....i couldn't find any...i searched so hard i tired myself out and had to sit and take a nap in the sun...whn i wole up i was covered in lady bugs....
Me: point.
Me: I don't agree with it for no other reason then when you stay in your house all the time and don't go out because you CAN'T and work is your only outlet to the outside world, measures have to be made to give you a chance to let those ladybugs crawl.
Me: see, I don't go out cause I hate the world, I don't go out cause I live 25 miles from the city and I don't drive. never learned. never needed to.
Me: till now.
She: wow
She: i live for my car
She: i love driving
She: you should SO get a car!!!!
Me: I'm working on it. but if you've read my journal, you know my home life right now is kinda fucked.
She: god i'm hungry...what should i have for dinner? breakfast or lunch?
Me: lunch
She: ok...
She: yeah i read it
She: i know it's easier said than done of course
She: how long will you be around?
Me: well, now with the late developments from today, a little longer then I thought.
Me: the roommate and his wife are getting back together.
Me: so hopefully next month I can start driving school.
Me: http://url.removed.out.of.respect.org
Me: the girl I was talking about.
Me: to put it shortly, she likes me but she has an on and off relationship with a guy she recently decided to go back on with. she sent me a letter that devestated me but I took it well. she went invisible but then came back and now this.
Me: and now I'm so numb about caring about people I just said what i needed to say and walked. emotional distance is already happening.
She: oh yeah i know her, i've seen her around
Me: she's fucking wonderful. were I closer, I
Me: I'd so be trying.
Me: <-- bites his lip a moment and shakes it off
She: yeah no worries.....
She: you want me to hit you back after i get done eating lunch for dinner?
Me: sure
She:
Me: I'll be doig much the same.
She: okey dokey then
Me: later.
She: ok.....later skater
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- End Notes -
1. I've been sleeping more then a little bit. Sleep is good.
2. My payment for my Jukebox Zen has been approved and hopefully the item will be sent out today. I'm so looking forward to not having to deal with Waffle House music anymore.
3. I bought a subscription to LargeFriends.com in the hope that I can find a girl close by to date. Yes, I know this is mining the already dry hole but I gotta know if dating down here is impossible or not. Results as they come in.
4. Work has been getting weird. All the attempts at family i've been trying to get with on Third Shift have come to naught. One of those who I thought liked me has ratted me out and stole money from my register several times. It's war now. Time to show them what a real rock and roll nigga can do.
5. Thank you to everyone who's commented and made me feel good. It's a lot to me now that I'm basically home and work bound. Thank you.
And on that note, I'm out. Later.
VIEW 27 of 27 COMMENTS
Something about a direct interconnect between 2 people's consciencnesses that utterly disgusts me because I have no faith in 99% of the world's mental capacity and would in no way want to interface with them on such a direct, personal level.