bigblack81

I'm so glad I have you to think of,
To channel all my loving energy into.

Even though my feelings aren't returned,
And in time I won't think about you this way,
That still doesn't stop me,
If just for now, wishing we were each other's baby
-- from "Of Montreal - Baby"

- Opening Salvos: A More Social Love -

I just finished watching Oh! Super Milk Chan on Adult Swim. Not the greatest of episodes, though the love scenes between the President and his kitty cat (literally) were fucking awesome. A better devotional/undying love montage was never scripted and this was between an older gentleman and his disturbingly hot kitten. I feel like the furry community is slowly whistling for me to come back into their paws and give them a hummer. Oh the humanity...

And the fucked thing is? I'm almost ready to do it. Or something. Being a generic geek is beginning to bother me. I need a scene to quantify me. I need a greater definition and I'm not sure being a writer geek works because it's almost a default that most geeks write. It's kind of what we have to do since talking is so fucking inefficient and since most folk CAN'T. I would love to be more J-Rock or Shibuya-Kei but the thing is, the majority of both those styles of music drive me insane. And the fact that there are no large J-Pop girls there bothers me as well. Can I please have a J-Girl of some fucking substance? No more twigs! Besides, I hate the idea that any scene I'd be in as a black male would look at me as if I were gaijin. And believe me, that's not a Japanese concept, though it is a Japanese word.

Would someone please tell me why it's so damned hard to find an inroad to the scenes that are most prevalent on SG? I've felt like an outsider for so long that it's beginning to make me feel undefined. At once I loved that feeling but now I'm beginning to wonder if aligning with a scene is necessary to finding someone or someones who can feel my feelings and suck my fick every once in a while. Love, in most scenes, isn't what it's all about I know but interests groups are how people meet and do things. It's why punk kids stick so hard together and why A&F pukes mall hop and drive fancy cars together. It's why hip hoppers hate on everyone else in big groups and why a crowd of country dudes can't help but have one good looking cowgirl sucking some dude off at the trail end of the line.

But what if you're a lone wolf? What if being alone is your claim to fame? What then? How does one go from their love of being alone to a more social love? How does one develop a love for people when a lot of the negative aspects of humanity's need to align disgust you? Or is there even an answer beyond grinning and bearing it?

I think Naim Akbar was right when he spoke of the idea of most humans being stuck at the infant stage of development. I know I get flack for deciding that the base idea of reactions and feelings and desires isn't where I want to stay for the rest of my life but I just cannot stop. I want to be accepted and loved and such but I just cannot stop travelling. No one group of people have enough definition or a willingness to keep growing and changing internally for me to want to settle down. I don't want to rust in one place.

Therefore the companionship I seek is to not be. Or at least it's not be sustained. I guess.

- Music That Gives Me Feelings Bordering On Contentment -

I know now that I must get a Jukebox Zen for my income tax refund. That is, unless I can get driving soon. If that happens, believe me, I'll be spending that cash on driving infastructure. Priorities.

But if not, I want and need a Jukebox Zen. Creative Nomad, bitches. I want high capacity music goodness. I hate the jukebox at work and it's driving me nuts to have to listen to that shit all the time. It's all country but it's not that I hate country. I do but that's not it. It's just that the same 15 songs play at least 4 times all night long. All night long in the deepest darkest part of the night. Even when I worked at Boston Market we had a better mix of music. It's why I need a Jukebox Zen for the long hours.

Music is important to me because when I'm in points alone it's songs that are my friends. Porn may get me off, video games may distract me, books may enthrall me but it's still only music that can actually move me to do something about my life. I write to music. I write to music and that's why it takes me so long to do anything productive. But it's also why I write better now. Music makes me feel things that most people place and things don't. I often times sing along with songs and can imagine myself on stage singing out because that's the form of expression I most often want to emulate. Writing is productive, art is artistic, porn is pornographic, but music is my boyfriend. Joel Gibb (The Hidden Cameras) had it right.

A lot of people at work don't get my love for music. They think I'm weird. But considering that most black dudes look at the Waffle House as anathema, I'm not surprised. Hell, my use of the word anathema makes me an outcast to most folk in the south. Most kids who love music like I do are my friends but it's hard to get dates with music lovers. It's hard because often most musically bent maniacs are typical over obsessors; so dedicated to the music that they forget how to like other things. Or mabye they just hate the big black kid in the jeans and sketchers. Who knows?

My big thing right now is the outer frontiers of electronic music. I love music that can make me want to simultaneously hurt and love someone. As a former straight edger, I got that for a long time as shows that had mosh pits the size of small stadiums and people who actually knew how to mosh and circle pit properly. But as things began to break down into Hawthorn Heights territory, I decided to move towards more agressive brands of music. Then I became a DDR player and all that shit STOPPED. DDR was and still is, to me, nearly perfect as a video game. The concept was simple, the learning curve is fucking murderous, the addictive quality is insane and the level of customization now is unreal. But what drew me in was the music: sugary sweet shibuya-kei dry humped with pissed off but equally sugary happy hardcore only to be interrupted by happy house and eurobeat wanting in on the sexlove. It was simultaneously happy and sad all at the same time.

For a long time, I had no clue why I liked this music so much or a road map to my lusts. Then I found this site: Ishkur's Guide To Electronic Music. Almost instantly, my life began to change as a music fan. I could be an indie rock and emo fan and yet still have anger and rage in my life. How? Finding out that types of music like Ragga, Darkstep, IDM, Ghetto Tech (Wonderful for my "I Hate Women Moments"), Booty House, Illbient, Trancestep, Liquid Funk (Great Sunday morning music) and the end all be all for pure pissed agression Hard Acid Techno (Love that name!). I mean, Ghetto Tech and Booty House have single handedly ressurected my love of progressive hip hop and kept me from being totally ostracized as a black male in America. And I cannot properly tell the world my love and desire to want to fuck while a Dieselboy record is on. Elecrtonic music is where I see the future because there is a need for music like this; people are becoming more and more digital therefore organic music is going to live but live more as a relic of the times. Digital music however is the soundtrack for the new agression and I'm all about that.

But the best thing about Ish's guide is the timeline. The timeline alone is worth the price of admission as it's the reason why me, as a hardcore music fan, can love certain types of music. Watching the evolution of a certain type of music into something more then what it was originally (see the evolution of Hardcore into Happy Hardcore - you'll be surprised!) is awesome and Ish is great at this. In fact, the current form of the guide isn't at all like when it started, which is also a great thing about the guide. Technically, from a web design stance, it's fucking awesome. It's flash and active script at it's very best. It's why flash artistry in the new era will make websites more dynamic but not as the end of the line but as a means to an end.

Everyone should go see this guide. I'm surprised more people haven't just blown up their bandwidth to the point where they're choking. I spend close to 6 hours a week with this guide downloading music from the internet with this as a guide. No joke. DJ Sets are now becoming as close as I can become to this type of musical love and the worst part is that most DJ's in this country still spin hip hop or cheese house exclusively. I'd kill to find a DJ doing drum and bass or ragga. I'd fucking kill.

- Interesting Dating Developments -

Strange, but true. Women actually want me! Strange but true. With my cheery, winning, Bill Hicks inspired additude, I was beginning to contemplate getting a fake vagina or a fleshlight to fuck just as a reminder what gash feels like. And all of a sudden, I have girls who want me in the bedroom. Strange but fucking true.

All of these girls except one are out of the state, though! That is the story of my life; Girls DO want me but they're far far away. All of them. Distance relationships are kind of my life. I'm tired of this. The one girl nearby who wants me wants me as a friend but considering that she also said she thought I was sweet and previously didn't hang out with ANYONE, and had broken up with a guy not long before we started talking, I'm taking this as a bit of a trial period. She's 18 so once again I'm going balls deep into the land of the younger girl for satisfaction. But who knows? I remember when we passed e-mail addresses to one another, she had that particular girl sparkle in her eyes. She had that when I spoke to her in my "I Hate Yelling On My Job So I'll Lean Over To Take Your Order" voice which makes me seem a little less of a fop. I think she'd like to like me but she's putting me through a probationary period. Fine by me. She just has to learn that while she's deciding if I'm worth risking her scene, and invariably her heart, points on, I'll be trying to get my knob polished and an LTR in the bargain. After all, we are JUST FRIENDS.

Some would hate me for the aspect of this that I'm taking but I don't care. I'm not anyone's comitted partner so I'm free to do as I like. But I don't want to offend anyone or give off the wrong vibes, so I must be at least partially circumspect with how I do things.

I wish I drove. Like, seriously. I have this one girl who lives in Southeastern Alabama, right near the Florida border, and she has basically said to me that if I was ever down there for a weekend, she'd be trying to pull my clothes off by the end of the first night. Fuck yes. But...no. Not because I don't want it and not because we don't fit one another (We're so similar except for gender and skin color that it scares me; we both like green for fucks sake!!!) but because yet again, I'm dealing with someone who wants a friend who wants to fuck. This is beginning to get my goat as I'm not sure girls want to deal with a guy who wants a Long Term Relationship, or LTR. LTR seekers are rare in guys because of the whole "spread my seed" thing but I'm not like most guys in that I've never had a one year relationship. I've never had permanence. I've never had a girl want to commit so much to someone like me and that's overall what I'm looking for. A girl nowadays isn't wanting a relationship but they do want to fuck. And for me, that's just something I'm not comfortable with being because I don't trust my emotions enough to be distant enough to just fuck and have no feelings beyond fuck buddy friendship. I can't do it. I tend to think I'm a better man for admitting this upfront and taking no sex for a long time as a result. The flipside is, the women who want LTR's are usually so old that even if they WERE attracted to a young man like me, the logistics of that would be damned near impossible.

So alone I sit. I have girls interested in me but I'm still confused. Are these girls wanting me for 80% and not the rest of the time or am I just sitting in multiple waiting periods? Must I bury my desires for an LTR and just be happy with sex?

Who knows?

- End Notes -

1. I've decided to go out to dinner tonight and then go to a pair of house shows. I'm surprised but then again, I'm not, to find that Chattanooga DOES have an underground music scene. Some intrepid house show throwers have been putting on some good gigs for a while now and it's only with Chattarock that I found them. As usual, the safe and genteel suburbs have given me impetus to go out into the world and find musical salvation. Or it could just be a good night out. Getting out there isn't an issue, getting home might be. To be continued...

2. LaShawn, I miss you a lot. I wish we can talk over the weekend because I don't want to do anything over what was in section 3 before I talk to you. It might not mean much overall...but I do like you. A lot. I'd like to talk because the things I wrote you in my e-mail are true and they stand true but I'm also going to explore other options. I'll try to call when I can through the day; just don't kill me if I keep trying.

3. Got more cooking hours this week. But they still won't give me a full shift. I'm way too valuable as a third shift server. Would be fine if people tipped like they should. But they don't. So I'm still tooled.

4. Next entry I will outline my plans for "The League Of A Few Good Men". We will have a logo contest, a charter and a shirt. I will lead the league and we will show the world that good men and good women still exist. We will rule the world and reshape it in our own images...or if nothing else, get a date. Apply through comments on my journal as I might make a group out of this.

5. I so hope Whimdriven and I go to the SG:ATL Chinese New Years party. I get the feeling that Llona gets mad depressed and lonely as a midwife, hence why she rips off these awesome events all the time. Fine by me. I just want Whimdriven and I to go together because she seems like she'd fit in fine with the rest of the ATLiens and she's also a driver, which would make the bill for the gas much easier if we split it. Plus, I'd be able to cook and bring stuff to the party! Yup yup!

And on that note, it's time to die. I'll be watching C-Span for a while before death and mabye I'll even get some productivity out of the day. Next Entry, I'll be answering questions. So drop some thoughtful questions in my box for me to answer. Please!

Later, children of the boob.