There's been a pain in the back of my head now since Sunday morning when I came off shift. It hurts. It's like a muscle strain that I get when I'm all tensual. I think I had it Wednesday night when I was running around like a maniac after Amy's sandbagging and it just never got better. Lessened a bit but I wonder...now it's just a steady throbbing pain. Not intense but always there, always reminding me that pain is joy.
I can't go to sleep yet. I gotta go pay rent later this morning with my flatmate. Thank goodness I have Monday night off. I can stay up all morning and be unproductive and write letters to crushes (Just one but it was a doozie. Yup.) and dry swallow asprins, and THEN come home at like 1.30 and crash like the Titanic. Joy. Once again, I sleep during the day to be a lackey at night. Brilliant. But still. I'm writing this little piece of fluff, so so be it.
- As The Fog Obscured My Tears.... -
Saturday night we got slammed on the job and I walked out at like 6.15 in the morning on Sunday with a fat wad of cash, a lack of direction and a need to go shopping. So I walked to my supermarket down the street from my Waffle House. A heavy fog had rolled in and it obscured the signs of the shops and stores in the area. Hell, it was so foggy dark that my own Waffle House sign was muddied for a good distance after I left! Walking under the underpass and seeing Ooltewah under a sheen of both darkness and fog with streetlights giving off some hazy glow, I felt glad to be alive.
I normally hate life and wish a lot of times that I didn't exist. This is no joke; more often then not I'd like to quietly just check out and not do this shite anymore. This has been an off and on feeling for years and no matter how much therapy I take, how much medication I down, how many gashes I hump, how many accolades I obtain, I still keep on feeling like I just want to fade away. I don't want a hero/martyr suicide, I don't want people to cry over me. I just want to STOP sometimes.
But walking up that road made me feel glad to see the splendor of God's earth before me, covered in a misty sheen. And before all you agnostics make me into moussaka (SP?) meat (Bonus points for anyone who can comment and tell me what that is! No googling!
) with your arguements of God's existence, just stop. Stop because I do believe in a divine order of the world and of a God who watches over. And that morning, that moment, that time, I felt God looking down and me looking up. No judgements, no anger, no hate, just appreciation for the world and the fact that I was THERE to see it. I cried as Gospel tunes from my youth and sad songs about losing friends and still being happy played in my head. At one point I just sat down underneath the overpass and just cried. It felt good. It felt like a refreshing rain and I was glad that my God and I finally had time together. First time in a long time and I'm thinking I need more of that without social bullshit.
"There but by the grace of God go I" isn't just a clever saying to me...it's a life mantra. Deal with it.
- Being Black Gets Me Just A Little Closer To Obscurity -
More on race and dating. I find that being in America, I still deal with the issues of racemixing that my father and my father's father, and so on dealt with for so damned long in this country. Now, however, it's become socially acceptable and permissable to have diverse friends and ostracize sons and daughters for having diverse lovers. I lost my long time girlfriend April because her mother told her and I, point blank, that she would disown her daughter if we were dating and continued to date. Her mother would kick her out of her house because she decided I had a knob she wanted to polish and I'm supposed to not be angry?
I let her go. I'm still angry about that. Friends are tolerable, lovers are not, apparently.
And to me, a lot of that has to do with class. Higher classes want to keep their status so dating is more about social climbing. Lower classes want to fuck so it's more about principle. Truth of life. So for me, when I dated so-called "White Trash" girls, I usually got a racist sentiment every once in a while but overall I had a lot of fun and had a lot of good times. But when I dated at my class or higher, I thoroughly expected to be lynched on sight of any hand holding or worse! And it was the most "liberal" folks that made the biggest stink! I had a long time friend of mine who was white and loved black women. He loved the kind of black girls who considered me their little brother and we had lots of good times talking bout this shit. His younger sister had a kid by a black dude who I was mad cool with and once she and I dealt with some issues about how we related to one another, we were mad cool too. His older sister however, I later found out, hated her brother for dating black girls, hated her sister forgetting knocked up by a black guy and barely tolerated me being around the house. And the sad part was, she was mad hot! Like a suicidegirl but without all the tats and shit. My friend was so ripped up about his older sister's betrayal that he left the family and still hasn't gone back to this day. They were lower class like me but the older sister decided to sell out for class. Fuck her.
I know I'll get a lot of comments here, if any, that will say that it doesn't matter that I'm saying all of this stuff about race or that I'm preaching to the choir about this because we're all mad non-racist here. But to me, it's all that does matter because until the day when the content of my character determines whether or not I can get a chance to prove myself as a sexual/sensual/emotional being with a woman (or guy) then I'll be able to forget about my skin color and start working about being my own racial background: ME! My race is ME, bitches, and nothing I go through will change that. When people tell me that were I white I'd be more able to date girls from here and elsewhere, I feel like my color is STILL blocking me from finding the people I want and getting what I want. And for that reason alone I'm still going to talk about this.
I know full well my biggest issue with dating right now is my mobility and location. I know this. That part I can change and am working towards it as fast as I can. But there are some parts of me I can't and won't change and I need to talk about that. I'm an afro punk and I'm dateable. I'm loveable. Love me, dammit!
- End Notes -
1. People who are honest with me get mad respect. Whimdriven is one of those people. Mad respect, hon, and mad glad you got home safe saturday night. Write a damned journal entry!
2. More downloading happened this week. Wrestling (CZW baby! Love indy ultraviolent wrestling vids.), Iron Chef and L.A. Confidential. Along with more Joy Of Painting episodes. God bless the internet and god bless high speed connections!
3. Once bills are paid this week, I hope to begin my resolutions next week. Oh the pain, the shame!
4. I gotta get out this Friday night, come hell or high water. I gotta get out of this house. Looking for a date people. Looking for a date who is willing to deal with a travelling man. Yup. All takers comment if you dare. MWAHHHAAAAAAAAAA!
5. Walter is coming home this week. Thank god. I love Amber to death but it'll be good to have my running buddy back. He'll give me the feedback board I've been missing. God I love that boy...shame he's not gay...or single...
6. Cloves would be good this week. I have a spanky new torch that I found at work and no one claimed and now I want to smoke a Djarum Black or a Cherry so bad. Cloves are good.
7. Italian Roast Beef + Croissants + Mayonaisse = Yum!
8. More cooking shifts are coming up for me. Good. More consistent cash for me overall, less having to brownnose someone for a tip that they won't leave cause I'm a dude. I'm a dude not in LA with other cute dudes! I should be behind the line letting the women shake the booty for the tips. I just ain't that cute!
On that note, I bid all my fans adieu. Give me more topics to write about as I like to do something more then just bitch here people. Ask me questions in comments for me to answer; anything goes so long as I can be serious or silly or both! Or neither.
Adieu, my loves. I'll see you again soon.
I can't go to sleep yet. I gotta go pay rent later this morning with my flatmate. Thank goodness I have Monday night off. I can stay up all morning and be unproductive and write letters to crushes (Just one but it was a doozie. Yup.) and dry swallow asprins, and THEN come home at like 1.30 and crash like the Titanic. Joy. Once again, I sleep during the day to be a lackey at night. Brilliant. But still. I'm writing this little piece of fluff, so so be it.
- As The Fog Obscured My Tears.... -
Saturday night we got slammed on the job and I walked out at like 6.15 in the morning on Sunday with a fat wad of cash, a lack of direction and a need to go shopping. So I walked to my supermarket down the street from my Waffle House. A heavy fog had rolled in and it obscured the signs of the shops and stores in the area. Hell, it was so foggy dark that my own Waffle House sign was muddied for a good distance after I left! Walking under the underpass and seeing Ooltewah under a sheen of both darkness and fog with streetlights giving off some hazy glow, I felt glad to be alive.
I normally hate life and wish a lot of times that I didn't exist. This is no joke; more often then not I'd like to quietly just check out and not do this shite anymore. This has been an off and on feeling for years and no matter how much therapy I take, how much medication I down, how many gashes I hump, how many accolades I obtain, I still keep on feeling like I just want to fade away. I don't want a hero/martyr suicide, I don't want people to cry over me. I just want to STOP sometimes.
But walking up that road made me feel glad to see the splendor of God's earth before me, covered in a misty sheen. And before all you agnostics make me into moussaka (SP?) meat (Bonus points for anyone who can comment and tell me what that is! No googling!
) with your arguements of God's existence, just stop. Stop because I do believe in a divine order of the world and of a God who watches over. And that morning, that moment, that time, I felt God looking down and me looking up. No judgements, no anger, no hate, just appreciation for the world and the fact that I was THERE to see it. I cried as Gospel tunes from my youth and sad songs about losing friends and still being happy played in my head. At one point I just sat down underneath the overpass and just cried. It felt good. It felt like a refreshing rain and I was glad that my God and I finally had time together. First time in a long time and I'm thinking I need more of that without social bullshit.
"There but by the grace of God go I" isn't just a clever saying to me...it's a life mantra. Deal with it.
- Being Black Gets Me Just A Little Closer To Obscurity -
More on race and dating. I find that being in America, I still deal with the issues of racemixing that my father and my father's father, and so on dealt with for so damned long in this country. Now, however, it's become socially acceptable and permissable to have diverse friends and ostracize sons and daughters for having diverse lovers. I lost my long time girlfriend April because her mother told her and I, point blank, that she would disown her daughter if we were dating and continued to date. Her mother would kick her out of her house because she decided I had a knob she wanted to polish and I'm supposed to not be angry?
I let her go. I'm still angry about that. Friends are tolerable, lovers are not, apparently.
And to me, a lot of that has to do with class. Higher classes want to keep their status so dating is more about social climbing. Lower classes want to fuck so it's more about principle. Truth of life. So for me, when I dated so-called "White Trash" girls, I usually got a racist sentiment every once in a while but overall I had a lot of fun and had a lot of good times. But when I dated at my class or higher, I thoroughly expected to be lynched on sight of any hand holding or worse! And it was the most "liberal" folks that made the biggest stink! I had a long time friend of mine who was white and loved black women. He loved the kind of black girls who considered me their little brother and we had lots of good times talking bout this shit. His younger sister had a kid by a black dude who I was mad cool with and once she and I dealt with some issues about how we related to one another, we were mad cool too. His older sister however, I later found out, hated her brother for dating black girls, hated her sister forgetting knocked up by a black guy and barely tolerated me being around the house. And the sad part was, she was mad hot! Like a suicidegirl but without all the tats and shit. My friend was so ripped up about his older sister's betrayal that he left the family and still hasn't gone back to this day. They were lower class like me but the older sister decided to sell out for class. Fuck her.
I know I'll get a lot of comments here, if any, that will say that it doesn't matter that I'm saying all of this stuff about race or that I'm preaching to the choir about this because we're all mad non-racist here. But to me, it's all that does matter because until the day when the content of my character determines whether or not I can get a chance to prove myself as a sexual/sensual/emotional being with a woman (or guy) then I'll be able to forget about my skin color and start working about being my own racial background: ME! My race is ME, bitches, and nothing I go through will change that. When people tell me that were I white I'd be more able to date girls from here and elsewhere, I feel like my color is STILL blocking me from finding the people I want and getting what I want. And for that reason alone I'm still going to talk about this.
I know full well my biggest issue with dating right now is my mobility and location. I know this. That part I can change and am working towards it as fast as I can. But there are some parts of me I can't and won't change and I need to talk about that. I'm an afro punk and I'm dateable. I'm loveable. Love me, dammit!
- End Notes -
1. People who are honest with me get mad respect. Whimdriven is one of those people. Mad respect, hon, and mad glad you got home safe saturday night. Write a damned journal entry!
2. More downloading happened this week. Wrestling (CZW baby! Love indy ultraviolent wrestling vids.
), Iron Chef and L.A. Confidential. Along with more Joy Of Painting episodes. God bless the internet and god bless high speed connections!
3. Once bills are paid this week, I hope to begin my resolutions next week. Oh the pain, the shame!
4. I gotta get out this Friday night, come hell or high water. I gotta get out of this house. Looking for a date people. Looking for a date who is willing to deal with a travelling man. Yup. All takers comment if you dare. MWAHHHAAAAAAAAAA!
5. Walter is coming home this week. Thank god. I love Amber to death but it'll be good to have my running buddy back. He'll give me the feedback board I've been missing. God I love that boy...shame he's not gay...or single...
6. Cloves would be good this week. I have a spanky new torch that I found at work and no one claimed and now I want to smoke a Djarum Black or a Cherry so bad. Cloves are good.
7. Italian Roast Beef + Croissants + Mayonaisse = Yum!
8. More cooking shifts are coming up for me. Good. More consistent cash for me overall, less having to brownnose someone for a tip that they won't leave cause I'm a dude. I'm a dude not in LA with other cute dudes! I should be behind the line letting the women shake the booty for the tips. I just ain't that cute!
On that note, I bid all my fans adieu. Give me more topics to write about as I like to do something more then just bitch here people. Ask me questions in comments for me to answer; anything goes so long as I can be serious or silly or both! Or neither.
Adieu, my loves. I'll see you again soon.
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
insomnia:
Hey, I just joined and HeXeK said you were a cool dude! So just thought I'd pay a little visit. Hey I wanna be in a league too! What about a league of a few good men and 1 woman 
insomnia:
Oh how sweet! you let me into the group AND you called me CUTE. Your my new bud!