bigblack81

I think it needs to be said that a gin and tonic (Bombay Blue Sapphire, baby! ), a couple of advil, three PB&J's and about 6 hours of fevered sleep is just the cure for a massive headache and a need to kill human beings. I'm sitting here right now with the remnants of a headache, a full belly, a haze in my eye and I'm sweating like a pig. Leather seat + sweaty back = uncomfortableness. Yup.

But believe me, it's better then the alternatives. And on that note, onto business.

- Amy Is A Whore, Final Act -

Last night I was supposed to work an evil split shift. 6pm to 2am. I HATE split shifts. With a passion. So I was late to work and thoroughly chastened. I decided to redeem myself and get the hell out of the shop ASAP. I wanted to be home in bed by 3am, so mabye I'd start my day off in style. With rest!

Amy came to work and told me point blank that she was leaving at 2am even though I was the early person. She wasn't going to stay as she lost her pocketbook and showed up nearly an hour late as well. I told her that I was to leave and she basically told me that she didn't give a fuck what I did but that SHE was leaving and there wasn't a damned thing I could do about it. Kenny, my evil but decent cook and antagonist on the floor, made things a lot worse by just driving her away a lot. She left and threw a temper tantrum on the floor as she walked out. Kenny was going to stay by himself and just be the only person there but my conscience just kicked my ass so bad that I stayed.

This was Amy's last night at the shop. I confirmed this with my boss this morning as she came in and saw me about ready to drop from being at work 12 hours and making sure first shift was ready to go. I made less then 50 bucks for 12 hours of work, I came home and was so tired and exhausted I was shivering and chattering and shaking, and the end result is that I slept all day till this point and drank and took pills to get me to a point where I could FUNCTION.

Amy and I are probably done dealing with one another. I'm angry at her because she said she was my friend. Friends don't hang people out to dry like that on the job, therefore I don't care if I ever talk to her again. I may have a crush on her but crushes don't delete the fact that she decided to leave me out to dry and fuck me over because she hated her situation in life. For me, you don't fuck me over and get away with it. I never forget. EVER. I may take a pacifist role, play the "nice guy" but you can be assured that revenge will be gotten and notes will be taken internally by me. I never ever forget because I'm too much of a nice guy to forget.

I don't hate Amy, I pity her for having all the talent in the world and basically letting it all rust cause she's permanently stuck at 16 internally. She has a daughter who is going to make her life similar to that skank on Gilmore Girls and I want to laugh and cry at the same time. I hate compassion sometimes. It makes it so much harder to hate when appropriate.

- I'm A Rock And Roll Nigga -

I promised some thoughts on race and the scene and here they are. I am a rock and roll nigga. Don't like that? Fuck off.

I want that as a shirt because that is how I feel a lot of the time. I love that I don't have a place in the world because I made a choice to not be confined to a myopic view of what being a black male in America today means. I love that dating for me is always going to be tough because I'm just not your average scene boy. I'm not thin, I don't look like Chris Carraba and I dress more like I should be at a Straight Edge hardcore show more often then not. (Truth be told, a lot of the time, I look like a cross between a thug and an emo boy. Strange mix.) I feel more at home in a mosh pit with dudes just as angry and releasing then at a hip hop club; I don't want to pose when I go out, I want to rock. I want a release, not more tension.

For me, being black and being a scenester makes me feel like I'm schizophrenic more then not. I want to not have my fellow black males look at me like this is wrong for me to be like this. I want to not be looked at weird by little 16 year old girls when I go to Hot Topic and look for a pair of bondage pants. Most of all, I'd like scene girls to look at me more and see that despite my skin color, I'm just as emo, just as punk, just as real as any other dude. My color shouldn't be an impediment but it is. Finding people like me is hard and it makes it hard sometimes to deal when you feel isolated.

For a long time, my biggest icon as someone doing what I wanted to do was Lenny Kravitz. He still is an icon to me because he's making his music the way he wants to do it and he's not giving a fuck. I remember hearing "Are You Gonna Go My Way" in 94 and that warping my mind from the ground up. I want to mix punk and soul and blues and emo and metal into something way deeper. I love Moneybrother now because he's doing what I want to listen to. He's swedish! A swedish dude is doing the music I've had in my head for years now and I envy him so much. I remember going to NYC to see a show and being one of the only black kids in line and thinking that this was so weird. I was doing what I wanted and I still felt restricted. I want to look like the dudes from Interpol. I want to be cool like that and I'm not and that bothers me.

Dating is difficult. I want to date girls who are inline with my strain of thought and a lot of the girls here are. But I get the feeling that me being black is going to be an impediment when I talk to someone from here online. At the Atlanta meets, I had a lot of fun but it was hard for me to flirt without feeling like I was behind a wall. I just wish there were more girls like me out there. I get tired of having to fight just to get some loving.

I'm a rock and roll nigga. So what? What now?

- End Notes -

1. I need to go out this weekend. I'm not working and Friday night here at home will suck if I don't go out. I need to go out and live. I wonder....

2. whimdriven is a new member who I met on myspace and encouraged to join and try to be an SG. Everyone say hello to her. She's cool. I want to date her. I might ask her out today this weekend or next. she's keen.

3. I want to be adored. Seriously.

4. I want people to call me from SG. I submitted an application to the phone call group and they've not notified me if I was accepted or not. I want to talk to people on the phone; I get lonely at work at night with no one cool to talk to. E-Mail me with a number and conditions if you'd like to talk. I like to talk and I'm not a bad conversationalist. Boredom sucks; let's work to solve it.

5. Bit Torrent rules.

6. I hope the Arcade Fire plays in Atlanta when I can see them. I know they're playing this month but I'm not sure when. Here's to hoping that I'll be able to go. AF rules.

On that note, I am out. My downloads are finished and I need sleep. LaShawn, call me soon, alright? I miss you muchly. Later all.

Edit (12/08/05 - 2.56 AM): I'll have a new entry before I go to work tonight but I think this must be said. I wrote the finest comment to a girl's set ever. I think it's priceless and gold. So funny, so tasteless, so shamefully fanboyish. Here it is. Read it and weep, bitches.