Some comments and thoughts came up in my head this early morn as insomnia ruins me again. I thought to myself, "Self, while the CD's full of joy of painting episodes burn on the computer, let's jot down some of these thoughts while they are still fresh." And I concurred. So here we go.
- I Hate White Horse Syndrome -
White Horse Syndrome is a condition so prevalent that I decided to post definitions for it and it's sister condition Princesstual on UrbanDictionary.com. It's that bad people. I see White Horse Syndrome and Princesstual activities all the time in my world and it bothers me because I both simultaneously want it and hate it all. We often hate what we truly want and I want the idea that just because I'm ME I can snap my fingers and wishlist things and they will happen. I know I read way too much into this and I should probably just smoke the rest of this joint I have in my house and eat a muffin. But it's making me mad.
And it sucks because last night I found a community of people that might actually be more decent as a place to graze for dates and mabye find that person to deal with for a long time. As some of you know, I'm Bi. And black. That creates lots of issues (one of which is Amy's silly ass which I'll get to later) most of which is a fear that a lot of the people I'm attracted to won't want to touch me or date me because of my skin color. I found a community of pre and post op transexuals and found their chatroom to be unlike any chatroom for dating I've ever been in. First, it was moderated in such a way to foster real conversation! I was almost immediately IM'ing people and being able to feel so not guilty for it! And they responded and one in particular liked my photo a lot. She (a MTF who does drag in Kentucky *swoon*) and I talked on AIM for a bit and then she went silent. A little off putting but I'll chalk it up to something else and hope we can talk more soon.
The point is, I love T-Girls. I especially want to date a post-op and be able to treat her as a woman as I've seen pages with surgery pics before and after and I so cannot tell the difference sometimes. There is one who's page is here who when I first saw her I wrote her an e-mail telling her how cute she was. And the kicker? When she was a he (look at the before pics in the before and after part of the site for evidence of this) I wanted to tap him too! Just....grrrrrrrrrr.......... For a long time I wondered just what was the root of my love for guys and then it hit me when I was going through the work of a friend and fellow pervert, Ghastly: Looking at his wonderful drawings of ultra otaku T-Girl Freddy, I realized that I liked guys who wanted to be girls. And vice versa. I loved that sense of gender swapping but in a definite way. I wanted someone who was less like Duran Duran and more like Boy George or early RuPaul. I wanted someone who just didn't give a shit about being halfway about it all; I wanted a boy who looked really, really good in a skirt and knew it and wanted to be a girl in a skirt in pigtails.
But so many people go through White Horse Syndrome on a day to day that it's hard for me to find someone who wants someone real and is willing to step out of the box and see if it's there. I'm a pragmatic person; I akin myself to a black boy who really should have been a british black boy. I like to envision my world through train window eyes, if that makes sense. I like the idea of seeing my world as big grey industrial towers of city raising up and that view makes me very much wanting to cut through the artiface. I like my alcohol hard, my friends real, my women realer and my job honest. My music has to be something that will hit my soul, not look cool on a webpage. By that end, most people who think like that online are well past 30 or 40. The community I was on was full of 30, 40 and 50 year olds. Cool people, fun to talk to...but not my thing at all.
I guess I'm just tired of dealing with artiface. All my days are spent peeling back the layers of the onion to find the core of me and I want to find people willing to help me with that. And vice versa. Best is the woman or man who wants to do that whilst in the middle of romantic sex and muffin baking. But I guess that THAT dream makes me a part of White Horse Syndrome too, eh? *smirks and sighs*
- Lipstick Bisexual Girls Make Me Tired -
Amy, my previously mentioned co-worker, is leaving the job next week. Sweet lord, you have delivered me from the grasp of this drunken brat on a stick. I will go back to church for you, oh lord for giving me a release from dealing with this brat bitch!
*smiles*
Seriously, I am sad that she's leaving. The shop will be much calmer, hopefully, when she is gone. But something bothers me about her. She's bi and I really think she'll eventually just convert entirely and just not deal with dudes anymore unless she's fucking with them for money or power. Fine by me; one less true cunt for the male population to deal with. What bothers me is that she really is disgusted by the fact that I'm bi and proud but not a flaming firebreather. You know what I speak of.
There was this boy last night in my shop who's been there often. He has red hair, a high waterhead, dresses very obviously gay and is there with some older male who looks like a fried hippie. But last night he was in an ankle length matrix style coat made out of denim and sewn together with sparkly things and his cheeks looked blushed over a bit. I was so trying to hide how attracted to him I was and he smiled at me a lot and we were cordial to one another. I make it a point to not flirt with people at my job for obvious reasons but I just couldn't resist touching his fingers for a little bit as I passed him things from my side of the booth. He had the cutest hands, too.
The thing was, Amy HATED this. I was whispering to her if she wanted to help me hook me up with him and she near bout took my head off. She's told me several times that she doesn't think I'm bi and that I'm just doing it for some unknown reason. I find it funny that someone with apparent and deadly gaydar (and apparently, wanksta tracking and sugar daddy GPS
), someone who HAS HAD A GIRLFRIEND AND SEX SLAVE ACTIVELY IN THE PAST!!! would basically tell me, someone who has been sure of his sexuality for years now that I'm not bi. I love it.
Some lesbians have wondered why there is a divide between gay men and lesbian women in the world and I think the answer is this. Women are still women. women still hurt guys no matter what sexual preference they are. For many gay men that I know, girls while great for shopping are still the enemy. And though many dides wouldn't let a gay guy in their camp (or shower) I've seen personally great divides between homophobic men and gay man bridge over the fact that they both still mistrust and in some cases hate women of ALL sorts. I might be wrong here but until the divide between women and men gets better or both sides decide to live and let live and let fuck, there will still be issues here.
But then again, it might just be that Amy is a teenage bride who got fucked by some dude who's now in prison for 20 years for murder and she's a closet man hater, drug user, negligent mother. Who knows?
- End Notes -
1. My debt to Devon, my former landlord, is now officially paid off. With luck, so to will the rent this month. To date, Faye has cost me so much cash and so much of my freedom that I wonder why we ever slept together. I wonder why I didn't put my foot down in last April and told her to go home and deal with things once and for all with her parents. But then again, we may well have just gotten married early and still been fighting. And I wouldn't be here typing these words apparently. So every massive clusterfuck has a silvery lining...of sorts...
2. If nothing else, by thursday morning I'll have the rent and/or the start to my cell phone bill. Then I can begin my work to get driving. I will be driving on Valentine's day and hopefully kicking ass at some party with a cute girl on my arm. Or a cute boy. Who knows?
3. Also, I don't think I'll have the scratch to go to Chattacon this year. I will be so fucking annoyed the weekend of the 21st-23rd but I'll deal. Hopefully by then I'll have a license and the sacrifice will be justified. And besides, driving to an SG-ATL event for the first time and not having to rely on anyone for rides will be the reward. Instead of the 21st leaving, I'll be going to ATL on the 28th. Set your watched; Darkness rolls again.
4. If nothing else, this transition to third shift life is complete. I'll have a full set of new CD's burned by the time I die this afternoon and new stuff being downloaded whilst I sleep. With luck, by tomorrow morning this time, I'll have new shit on my computer to take my mind off of the infinite sadness.
5. LaShawn, clear your damned voicemail box!!!!!!!!!!! Please!!! I want to leave sappy love messages to you on your cell phone but if you don't do them right....oh bother.
I'll do an entry about race and limbo next time I'm on the air here. But for now, it's time to watch C-SPAN on the internet! Later all...
- I Hate White Horse Syndrome -
White Horse Syndrome is a condition so prevalent that I decided to post definitions for it and it's sister condition Princesstual on UrbanDictionary.com. It's that bad people. I see White Horse Syndrome and Princesstual activities all the time in my world and it bothers me because I both simultaneously want it and hate it all. We often hate what we truly want and I want the idea that just because I'm ME I can snap my fingers and wishlist things and they will happen. I know I read way too much into this and I should probably just smoke the rest of this joint I have in my house and eat a muffin. But it's making me mad.
And it sucks because last night I found a community of people that might actually be more decent as a place to graze for dates and mabye find that person to deal with for a long time. As some of you know, I'm Bi. And black. That creates lots of issues (one of which is Amy's silly ass which I'll get to later) most of which is a fear that a lot of the people I'm attracted to won't want to touch me or date me because of my skin color. I found a community of pre and post op transexuals and found their chatroom to be unlike any chatroom for dating I've ever been in. First, it was moderated in such a way to foster real conversation! I was almost immediately IM'ing people and being able to feel so not guilty for it! And they responded and one in particular liked my photo a lot. She (a MTF who does drag in Kentucky *swoon*) and I talked on AIM for a bit and then she went silent. A little off putting but I'll chalk it up to something else and hope we can talk more soon.
The point is, I love T-Girls. I especially want to date a post-op and be able to treat her as a woman as I've seen pages with surgery pics before and after and I so cannot tell the difference sometimes. There is one who's page is here who when I first saw her I wrote her an e-mail telling her how cute she was. And the kicker? When she was a he (look at the before pics in the before and after part of the site for evidence of this) I wanted to tap him too! Just....grrrrrrrrrr.......... For a long time I wondered just what was the root of my love for guys and then it hit me when I was going through the work of a friend and fellow pervert, Ghastly: Looking at his wonderful drawings of ultra otaku T-Girl Freddy, I realized that I liked guys who wanted to be girls. And vice versa. I loved that sense of gender swapping but in a definite way. I wanted someone who was less like Duran Duran and more like Boy George or early RuPaul. I wanted someone who just didn't give a shit about being halfway about it all; I wanted a boy who looked really, really good in a skirt and knew it and wanted to be a girl in a skirt in pigtails.
But so many people go through White Horse Syndrome on a day to day that it's hard for me to find someone who wants someone real and is willing to step out of the box and see if it's there. I'm a pragmatic person; I akin myself to a black boy who really should have been a british black boy. I like to envision my world through train window eyes, if that makes sense. I like the idea of seeing my world as big grey industrial towers of city raising up and that view makes me very much wanting to cut through the artiface. I like my alcohol hard, my friends real, my women realer and my job honest. My music has to be something that will hit my soul, not look cool on a webpage. By that end, most people who think like that online are well past 30 or 40. The community I was on was full of 30, 40 and 50 year olds. Cool people, fun to talk to...but not my thing at all.
I guess I'm just tired of dealing with artiface. All my days are spent peeling back the layers of the onion to find the core of me and I want to find people willing to help me with that. And vice versa. Best is the woman or man who wants to do that whilst in the middle of romantic sex and muffin baking. But I guess that THAT dream makes me a part of White Horse Syndrome too, eh? *smirks and sighs*
- Lipstick Bisexual Girls Make Me Tired -
Amy, my previously mentioned co-worker, is leaving the job next week. Sweet lord, you have delivered me from the grasp of this drunken brat on a stick. I will go back to church for you, oh lord for giving me a release from dealing with this brat bitch!
*smiles*
Seriously, I am sad that she's leaving. The shop will be much calmer, hopefully, when she is gone. But something bothers me about her. She's bi and I really think she'll eventually just convert entirely and just not deal with dudes anymore unless she's fucking with them for money or power. Fine by me; one less true cunt for the male population to deal with. What bothers me is that she really is disgusted by the fact that I'm bi and proud but not a flaming firebreather. You know what I speak of.
There was this boy last night in my shop who's been there often. He has red hair, a high waterhead, dresses very obviously gay and is there with some older male who looks like a fried hippie. But last night he was in an ankle length matrix style coat made out of denim and sewn together with sparkly things and his cheeks looked blushed over a bit. I was so trying to hide how attracted to him I was and he smiled at me a lot and we were cordial to one another. I make it a point to not flirt with people at my job for obvious reasons but I just couldn't resist touching his fingers for a little bit as I passed him things from my side of the booth. He had the cutest hands, too.
The thing was, Amy HATED this. I was whispering to her if she wanted to help me hook me up with him and she near bout took my head off. She's told me several times that she doesn't think I'm bi and that I'm just doing it for some unknown reason. I find it funny that someone with apparent and deadly gaydar (and apparently, wanksta tracking and sugar daddy GPS
), someone who HAS HAD A GIRLFRIEND AND SEX SLAVE ACTIVELY IN THE PAST!!! would basically tell me, someone who has been sure of his sexuality for years now that I'm not bi. I love it.
Some lesbians have wondered why there is a divide between gay men and lesbian women in the world and I think the answer is this. Women are still women. women still hurt guys no matter what sexual preference they are. For many gay men that I know, girls while great for shopping are still the enemy. And though many dides wouldn't let a gay guy in their camp (or shower) I've seen personally great divides between homophobic men and gay man bridge over the fact that they both still mistrust and in some cases hate women of ALL sorts. I might be wrong here but until the divide between women and men gets better or both sides decide to live and let live and let fuck, there will still be issues here.
But then again, it might just be that Amy is a teenage bride who got fucked by some dude who's now in prison for 20 years for murder and she's a closet man hater, drug user, negligent mother. Who knows?
- End Notes -
1. My debt to Devon, my former landlord, is now officially paid off. With luck, so to will the rent this month. To date, Faye has cost me so much cash and so much of my freedom that I wonder why we ever slept together. I wonder why I didn't put my foot down in last April and told her to go home and deal with things once and for all with her parents. But then again, we may well have just gotten married early and still been fighting. And I wouldn't be here typing these words apparently. So every massive clusterfuck has a silvery lining...of sorts...
2. If nothing else, by thursday morning I'll have the rent and/or the start to my cell phone bill. Then I can begin my work to get driving. I will be driving on Valentine's day and hopefully kicking ass at some party with a cute girl on my arm. Or a cute boy. Who knows?
3. Also, I don't think I'll have the scratch to go to Chattacon this year. I will be so fucking annoyed the weekend of the 21st-23rd but I'll deal. Hopefully by then I'll have a license and the sacrifice will be justified. And besides, driving to an SG-ATL event for the first time and not having to rely on anyone for rides will be the reward. Instead of the 21st leaving, I'll be going to ATL on the 28th. Set your watched; Darkness rolls again.
4. If nothing else, this transition to third shift life is complete. I'll have a full set of new CD's burned by the time I die this afternoon and new stuff being downloaded whilst I sleep. With luck, by tomorrow morning this time, I'll have new shit on my computer to take my mind off of the infinite sadness.
5. LaShawn, clear your damned voicemail box!!!!!!!!!!! Please!!! I want to leave sappy love messages to you on your cell phone but if you don't do them right....oh bother.
I'll do an entry about race and limbo next time I'm on the air here. But for now, it's time to watch C-SPAN on the internet! Later all...
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
It almost feels like when you play a mind absorbing computer game or watch an indepth well acted/scriped film. It lets me be transported to somewhere else and for a few minutes, forget who and where i am. You're a good man. Keep that chin up.
As far as what you want to try and do, be open and willing. Get away from the stereotype and no matter age, sex, preffence, location get to know people. The more you go out and try to expand your life expieriences the more you will learn to find out what is in that last peel of the onion and you can truely find yourself and happiness.
You will, and like me it seems like you want it right away. But enjoy the exploring and experimenting and relax. You will get what you truelly deserve after a while. Nice guys dont finish last. They only get turned down by the white horse beautiful blondes who go for the white horse athletic guy. And you want pureity not vanity.
Good luck man, really. Drop me a line if you need anything.