I got off work early tonight and I'm less than 10 hours away from lifting off on the big freedom bird to go back to my cold little hell. God I'm excited. 
I'm so ready to leave I'm doing the Mark G. patented "Stay up and not go to bed" travel routine. I just can't sleep. Whether that's because of my anticipation or the yellowjackets I took before I realized that I had the option to go home early tonight I don't know. But regardless, I know I cannot go to bed now. Listening to the Stone Roses for the first time ever is good but it doesn't put me to sleep.
I'll probably just pass out on the plane and in the layovers, on the train and on the ride back to my mom's house. Hopefully today will go smooth. Tomorrow I turn 23 and I want to be home for that with no issues.
- Another Year, Another Time -
I turn 23 tomorrow. Fucking hell. The days are passing by so damned fast now. I can still remember 18 and wondering what the fuck was over the horizon. I remember telling people at 14 (!) that my goal for being 18 was to be not addicted to drugs or alcohol, no one's baby daddy, not in jail and still alive. All of those goals came true and then some but now I'm even more lost then when I was before. I'm about to turn 23 and I feel like the best days of my life are both ahead of me and passing me by at a rate that scares me. I want to go and explore the world while I'm still young but I also want to put down roots.
The division inside of me is causation for a lot of conflicting feelings. I sometimes feel like my mind must look like Belfast inside; a divided but unified land. I wish it didn't feel like that but it does. I look forward to growing older but I know that each day I get a little slower, a little less talented, a little less able to do. But on the other hand, I grow more crafty, more experienced, more able to lead. It's a double edged sword, that bitch experience.
And all of this means I'm turning 23 with a firm expectation that the next year will bright me more changes. More leaves will fall from my tree, more new leaves will grow. More sunshine will warm me, more snow and wind will chill me.
I look back at the past year with wonder. I had a bad semester at school because I got so depressed and homesick I just stopped giving a shit. I nearly got married and nearly got my ex pregnant twice. I lost my virginity and had sex for the first time with someone I WASN'T going out with. I did drugs seriously for the first time. I got back into the kitchen life after being out for so long. I discovered that I might not be as over the hill as I thought. My musical tastes expanded and grew. My tolerance for humanity waned. I discovered SuicideGirls and MySpace. I lost friends. I gained friends. I won respect and lost it. I spent money and I had great losses.
It was all worth it. All the pain, all the joy, all the depression, all of it. It was all worth it.
I had a great year. But we can improve. Nay, I WILL improve for next year.
- It's Just Like Fishing. Sometimes You Get A Nibble, Sometimes You Don't. But You Keep Dropping The Hook Anyway. -
I've been told my quest to get a girl to date and be friendly with has been very bold online. I know I've turned more then one girl off with my less then subtle approach to getting girls to notice me. I know I'm violating rules of netiquette to put myself out there.
I don't give a shit.
One thing that makes me so angry is that I'm real and I'm looking and the girls I approach a lot of the time are just being silly or stupid. Or they are intimidated that someone would actually make that first step and approach. I get frustrated about this because people forget that the internet was meant to be both an information place and a way for people to connect to one another. The internet was never to be the end itself, it was meant to be a means to an end. So for me, I approach meeting and talking to girls online like it's a milleu towards meeting in real life. And it's just mystifying me that most are taken aback that I'm being this bold.
This is a new thing for me. Not the internet dating thing, but the boldness. I'm beginning to see myself not caring even more in real life about failure and the results are promising. But the feeling that I'm pissing people off never completely fails. And mabye that's a good thing; I sometimes forget that a girl who is single online could possibly get so many responses to a query that she would definitely play it cool towards most. It's been very rare for me to get through the noise of other more talented internet boys so I've begun to be way more agressive in the hope that my lack of pretentious bullshit would make a girl who was SERIOUS about meeting someone for real stand up and take notice. The fact that I don't want to make faux pas that will scar me later (and probably never even impact the girl or boy I talk to. I hate obsessing over my conduct.
) makes me less trigger happy then I would be normally.
But I am beginning to get tired of the pretention and the lack of seriousness. And this is a reaction to that.
The thing is, this has worked for me before. My ex Caryn, who I still adore to this day, met me online. We had a 5 year gap in age but were legal and mad cool for one another. Once her mom understood that I was there for the long haul and wanted her as my woman for real, she was ok with it. And we loved each other. A lot. We grew with one another and she began to blossom as a young woman and not just a young girl. The problem was that I was due to leave for school and we broke it off. She was the only response to over 65 queries on YP and she and I would probably still be together if I was there for good. It hurts to think what could have been.
I guess this whole rant has meaning in only one area: this is a declaration of purpose. I will not be subtle when I message people I find romantically attractive to. i will not bullshit people. I will be patient but i will also be upfront as I damned well want to be. If I want it, I have to feel free enough to go out and get it. But i also have to know full fucking well that people will be turned off and turned on by this. I just have to know and be cautious about where to just stop.
Good judgement prevails. And I am a good judge. I hope.
- Expectations -
That all said, I have people interested in me. I'm surprised at this. But what I'm more surprised at is the fact that my enthusiasm for people is being questioned. People forget that light and dark define one another. white on white DOES have a contrast. Most people don't see it though.
I've often been told that my wanting to be with people, my assurance that we might work well together is mad unfounded and suspect. What most don't understand is that people can show off themselves a lot even in simple blogs and pictures. Being a stalker has taught me to not look at what is not there alone and to look at everything to see what is AND what isn't AND what was AND what wasn't. It's kind of like having massive labratories in my brain churning out reams of projections and observations about the smallest things. Sound odd? Have someone give you their menu for the day from start to finish and then try to type them by what they ate. It's mad easier then you think. People tell themselves in what they say, what they don't say, what they do, what they don't do, etc. To notice someone like a stalker is to really examine someone closely. Its to get into them without saying a word. And the thing is, girls and boys here do it online all the time and they don't even know it.
Think about all the pics you see of people in their pics folders that are true candid shots. Did you ever notice the things in the BACKGROUND?
Think about that one simple example and then tell me that you can't read someone from a picture, a set of journal entries, a thread on a messageboard. People think they hide and they don't. The ones who hide in plain sight, however, are the coolest motherfuckers in the world.
One thing that I DO struggle with, however, is projecting dreams too much. Fantasies are something I fight because I still want to have all my dreams come true. Observations can become projections when you take what you see of someone and then put yourself in them and run simulations in your head about what COULD be. That's why isolation is bad for people because sooner or later, dreams become realities or obsessions.
And living in a dream world is mad unhealthy.
- End Notes -
1. To read fanfiction and to see one of your favorite characters not even being written about much anymore is disheartening. I love fanfiction WAY too much and it's tough for me to see my fave characters be isolated. I feel like everyone needs a fair look and to see fans ignore those who I love is difficult. It's also difficult to read works that have a pairing diametrically opposed to your fave character and not even had your boy or girl given a mention. A lot of times my depression is because a character I love just got shafted in a work by some other fan. It's why so much of my work has an anger to it that is scary. It's all reaction fiction.
Being an actor on the stage of life is mad scary, yo.
2. Even without Ephedra, Stacker 2's, 3's and Stingers are fucking lethal. Weight and sleepiness goodbye, insomnia and mad mood swings hello. Such the cycle of life.
3. I wonder what the SGCT people will be like when I meet them...
4. I'm getting a baclava for my face along with a wooly hat. I need them. My babyface cannot take all this cold ass wind across it.
And at that, I'm done. Time for more insomnia wanderings. At least I'm packed. *sighs* Later all. Next transmission from the ranch in Connecticut.
EDIT: This edit is brought to you by the letters drunk and skunk, and the number horny.
I'm 23 now. It's the morning of the 23rd and I'm sitting here writing this little edit just to let you know how the day was. I slept, ate with my family, got presents and got my trip here written off. Yay! More money for other stuff!
I did the SGCT meet at Rudy's and wasn't surprised by the turnout. But Weln_Toad and Elm City drunk were there and we all had a good time. I was glad they showed.
Now it's time for me to go to bed so I can get up tomorrow and go christmas shopping. Later!
I'm so ready to leave I'm doing the Mark G. patented "Stay up and not go to bed" travel routine. I just can't sleep. Whether that's because of my anticipation or the yellowjackets I took before I realized that I had the option to go home early tonight I don't know. But regardless, I know I cannot go to bed now. Listening to the Stone Roses for the first time ever is good but it doesn't put me to sleep.
I'll probably just pass out on the plane and in the layovers, on the train and on the ride back to my mom's house. Hopefully today will go smooth. Tomorrow I turn 23 and I want to be home for that with no issues.
- Another Year, Another Time -
I turn 23 tomorrow. Fucking hell. The days are passing by so damned fast now. I can still remember 18 and wondering what the fuck was over the horizon. I remember telling people at 14 (!) that my goal for being 18 was to be not addicted to drugs or alcohol, no one's baby daddy, not in jail and still alive. All of those goals came true and then some but now I'm even more lost then when I was before. I'm about to turn 23 and I feel like the best days of my life are both ahead of me and passing me by at a rate that scares me. I want to go and explore the world while I'm still young but I also want to put down roots.
The division inside of me is causation for a lot of conflicting feelings. I sometimes feel like my mind must look like Belfast inside; a divided but unified land. I wish it didn't feel like that but it does. I look forward to growing older but I know that each day I get a little slower, a little less talented, a little less able to do. But on the other hand, I grow more crafty, more experienced, more able to lead. It's a double edged sword, that bitch experience.
And all of this means I'm turning 23 with a firm expectation that the next year will bright me more changes. More leaves will fall from my tree, more new leaves will grow. More sunshine will warm me, more snow and wind will chill me.
I look back at the past year with wonder. I had a bad semester at school because I got so depressed and homesick I just stopped giving a shit. I nearly got married and nearly got my ex pregnant twice. I lost my virginity and had sex for the first time with someone I WASN'T going out with. I did drugs seriously for the first time. I got back into the kitchen life after being out for so long. I discovered that I might not be as over the hill as I thought. My musical tastes expanded and grew. My tolerance for humanity waned. I discovered SuicideGirls and MySpace. I lost friends. I gained friends. I won respect and lost it. I spent money and I had great losses.
It was all worth it. All the pain, all the joy, all the depression, all of it. It was all worth it.
I had a great year. But we can improve. Nay, I WILL improve for next year.
- It's Just Like Fishing. Sometimes You Get A Nibble, Sometimes You Don't. But You Keep Dropping The Hook Anyway. -
I've been told my quest to get a girl to date and be friendly with has been very bold online. I know I've turned more then one girl off with my less then subtle approach to getting girls to notice me. I know I'm violating rules of netiquette to put myself out there.
I don't give a shit.
One thing that makes me so angry is that I'm real and I'm looking and the girls I approach a lot of the time are just being silly or stupid. Or they are intimidated that someone would actually make that first step and approach. I get frustrated about this because people forget that the internet was meant to be both an information place and a way for people to connect to one another. The internet was never to be the end itself, it was meant to be a means to an end. So for me, I approach meeting and talking to girls online like it's a milleu towards meeting in real life. And it's just mystifying me that most are taken aback that I'm being this bold.
This is a new thing for me. Not the internet dating thing, but the boldness. I'm beginning to see myself not caring even more in real life about failure and the results are promising. But the feeling that I'm pissing people off never completely fails. And mabye that's a good thing; I sometimes forget that a girl who is single online could possibly get so many responses to a query that she would definitely play it cool towards most. It's been very rare for me to get through the noise of other more talented internet boys so I've begun to be way more agressive in the hope that my lack of pretentious bullshit would make a girl who was SERIOUS about meeting someone for real stand up and take notice. The fact that I don't want to make faux pas that will scar me later (and probably never even impact the girl or boy I talk to. I hate obsessing over my conduct.
) makes me less trigger happy then I would be normally.
But I am beginning to get tired of the pretention and the lack of seriousness. And this is a reaction to that.
The thing is, this has worked for me before. My ex Caryn, who I still adore to this day, met me online. We had a 5 year gap in age but were legal and mad cool for one another. Once her mom understood that I was there for the long haul and wanted her as my woman for real, she was ok with it. And we loved each other. A lot. We grew with one another and she began to blossom as a young woman and not just a young girl. The problem was that I was due to leave for school and we broke it off. She was the only response to over 65 queries on YP and she and I would probably still be together if I was there for good. It hurts to think what could have been.
I guess this whole rant has meaning in only one area: this is a declaration of purpose. I will not be subtle when I message people I find romantically attractive to. i will not bullshit people. I will be patient but i will also be upfront as I damned well want to be. If I want it, I have to feel free enough to go out and get it. But i also have to know full fucking well that people will be turned off and turned on by this. I just have to know and be cautious about where to just stop.
Good judgement prevails. And I am a good judge. I hope.
- Expectations -
That all said, I have people interested in me. I'm surprised at this. But what I'm more surprised at is the fact that my enthusiasm for people is being questioned. People forget that light and dark define one another. white on white DOES have a contrast. Most people don't see it though.
I've often been told that my wanting to be with people, my assurance that we might work well together is mad unfounded and suspect. What most don't understand is that people can show off themselves a lot even in simple blogs and pictures. Being a stalker has taught me to not look at what is not there alone and to look at everything to see what is AND what isn't AND what was AND what wasn't. It's kind of like having massive labratories in my brain churning out reams of projections and observations about the smallest things. Sound odd? Have someone give you their menu for the day from start to finish and then try to type them by what they ate. It's mad easier then you think. People tell themselves in what they say, what they don't say, what they do, what they don't do, etc. To notice someone like a stalker is to really examine someone closely. Its to get into them without saying a word. And the thing is, girls and boys here do it online all the time and they don't even know it.
Think about all the pics you see of people in their pics folders that are true candid shots. Did you ever notice the things in the BACKGROUND?
Think about that one simple example and then tell me that you can't read someone from a picture, a set of journal entries, a thread on a messageboard. People think they hide and they don't. The ones who hide in plain sight, however, are the coolest motherfuckers in the world.
One thing that I DO struggle with, however, is projecting dreams too much. Fantasies are something I fight because I still want to have all my dreams come true. Observations can become projections when you take what you see of someone and then put yourself in them and run simulations in your head about what COULD be. That's why isolation is bad for people because sooner or later, dreams become realities or obsessions.
And living in a dream world is mad unhealthy.
- End Notes -
1. To read fanfiction and to see one of your favorite characters not even being written about much anymore is disheartening. I love fanfiction WAY too much and it's tough for me to see my fave characters be isolated. I feel like everyone needs a fair look and to see fans ignore those who I love is difficult. It's also difficult to read works that have a pairing diametrically opposed to your fave character and not even had your boy or girl given a mention. A lot of times my depression is because a character I love just got shafted in a work by some other fan. It's why so much of my work has an anger to it that is scary. It's all reaction fiction.
Being an actor on the stage of life is mad scary, yo.
2. Even without Ephedra, Stacker 2's, 3's and Stingers are fucking lethal. Weight and sleepiness goodbye, insomnia and mad mood swings hello. Such the cycle of life.
3. I wonder what the SGCT people will be like when I meet them...
4. I'm getting a baclava for my face along with a wooly hat. I need them. My babyface cannot take all this cold ass wind across it.
And at that, I'm done. Time for more insomnia wanderings. At least I'm packed. *sighs* Later all. Next transmission from the ranch in Connecticut.
EDIT: This edit is brought to you by the letters drunk and skunk, and the number horny.
I'm 23 now. It's the morning of the 23rd and I'm sitting here writing this little edit just to let you know how the day was. I slept, ate with my family, got presents and got my trip here written off. Yay! More money for other stuff!
I did the SGCT meet at Rudy's and wasn't surprised by the turnout. But Weln_Toad and Elm City drunk were there and we all had a good time. I was glad they showed.
Now it's time for me to go to bed so I can get up tomorrow and go christmas shopping. Later!
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I hope all's well with you, see you soon!
[k]