bigblack81

I'm going to write this entry then go to bed. I have to get up and walk to work tonight seeing as I have no ride to get back and forth. Thus is my life. Walk to work, spend three hours out on the road, do the life. Live the american dream.

Yeah.

- Dissapointment, the Causation for a Silver Lining -

Writer got herself a man. I'm mad dissapointed. I wanted to be her man. I won't lie. To read about that in her journals, and yes that's journals plural folks, is to be dissapointed but I'm not going to let it faze me. To me, this is merely another in a long line of failures. Success is built upon the foundation of a whole lot of failures. Failing is the security blanket for success. It keeps us realistic and shit.

But it's hard to be upbeat about that. I think the reason why I'm tripping so hard about it is that I have always loved anime geek girls. And she's probably the closest to damned near awesome I've ever seen. I've dreamt of a woman who understands why bishounen boys make me all randy and why space alien love stories rule and why Tenchi Muyo sucks balls and why Ghost In The Shell is modern classical fiction and shit. It's rare to find women who are like that and for me to find one, here, on this forum is mad delicious. But she found someone else closer to her, someone that hopefully can fullfill her needs and wants and desires.

I can live with that. I have to; it's not like I have much of a choice.

But I did go out with some class. I left her a message that I'm proud of. To me, class is the thing that DOES make me a lot better then dudes I know who get women because I won't do something that I'll later be ashamed of just for desires. I feel a lot like the 49th Ronin; honorful but lost. This is not an age of honor so someone like me who wants to be classy and honorable in what I do with women is an abberation. I can live with that.

I feel good knowing that I wished her well. Because I do. It's hard enough being a geek anyway, it's even more hard being a geek girl nowadays. I know this only because I've loved geek girls and lusted and stalked and longed for geek girls in my life and I know how hard it is for most of them to accept that kind of love. White horse syndrome is a bitch and a lot of anime and J-Girls I know deal with that. I just wish things had worked out better.

But that's the breaks.

The flip of this, of course, is that when one door like this closes for me another opens. I talked to LaShawn this weekend a bit and I hope to talk to her tonight when I go on my walk to work. She's fucking awesome. I had three fabulous chats with her, only two of which got saved so I can read them over and swoon. I hate kicking my power cord in the middle of something important. Such is life, though.

For her to talk to me like she did, for her to WANT to talk to me like she did is refreshing. I never thought I'd find someone of color who dealt with a lot of the same shit I do who I COULD possibly date and it's just nice to know something might happen. Then again, I might just be setting bricks for another house of friendship with her. Who knows?

I do know this however; I won't stop being who I am. Trite I know, but now is the time when we as humans must retrench; in times of great internal turmoil and struggle a return to the core ethics of the person is needed to make sure everything stays crunk as all hell inside. And I'm not going to rust. Period.

I may need to probably go to an LAA meeting (Look it up if you don't know what that little acronym means.), I probably will die from my heart being on my sleeve, I may well eventually self destruct from the burning fires inside of me but I'm not going to stop moving forward. Each failure brings me closer to something. What that something is, I'm not sure of. But I won't stop.

- Amy The Enigma, or How I Really Do Hate Most Girls My Age -

I sat with Amy a lot last night. We were mad slow on the floor (30 bucks in tips on a Saturday night?! Fucking retarded....) and we bullshitted a lot. Rather, she bullshitted and I burned inside because I just didn't want to see her be all cute and shit in front of me. Lots of dudes wanted a piece of her, including the dude she went home with. They gave me a ride back to the ranch and showed me how to properly roll a blunt. Good times. I got smoked the fuck out this morning before bed and it helped a lot.

But sitting in a booth with amy made me think about a lot of things. This stripper chick that Amy and her peoples knew came in and I inquired about her. She's 19, had two kids, is pregnant (!) and is a drug fiend as well. Fucking ass. She was cute but she just didn't look RIGHT. It made me feel like an old fuddy duddy to watch that tight little bun walking around like she was the shit. But mostly, I wanted to just hold her. I struggle with intimacy and intimate feelings with people because I want to hold them anc cuddle and protect them. A lot of times I imagine myself as a guardian of something or someone when I'm that intimate because I want to eventually take a bullet for someone. I want to protect someone. And I want someone to protect me. I'm attracted to a lot of girls I see but it's a lot of the times because I see the dysfunction and want to heal it. I want to be a healer and an emotional reconstructor but for doing that to girls I'm physically and emotionally attracted to is not healthy for me. It causes me to attach way too deep in way too shallow waters and I choke and drown at the same time inside of myself.

Crushing is hard when you don't know when to stop. Thankfully, Amy makes it so easy to stop because watching her is like watching a user use and use and use for her own benefit. It makes me sick. But it makes me sick that I still want her. I'm fond of her but like any fondness that shit isn't enough to make me want to play the game with her if I could. And the sad thing is, I might be a grown assed man but most of the women and girls especially I meet don't want a man. So fuck them.

- Out Of Time -

I think that's a huge issue for me. The idea that I'm a grown assed man is something that I both want and don't want. I want to be mature and older and more down with my shit but being like that at 22 doesn't get me love. I no longer want to play the game but to play the game is to get the prize. Apparently.

It's hard to approach people about this because they look at my youth and think I'm trying to play act older. But I'm not. I feel mad older then my time and it makes me feel out of time. I don't feel superior or better then anyone; in truth, I often feel like I should be more childish so I can relate better. It would make getting dates and getting companionship easier. But would it get me what I ultimately want? I'm not sure and truth be told, I'm not sure I want to find out either.

So I remain out of time. Lost in space. And some shit.

- End Notes -

1. My mom just booked my flight and it's now official; tuesday morning I leave for the smoggy shores of home. God, to just get a whiff of that sweet stench of Connecticut...I miss it already. MM, L-Boogie, I hope you're listening. I'll be in the area soon. Hope to holla at both of you.

2. Walking to work sucks. Especially when it's close to 5 miles to do it. It'll take me a long time and it sucks.

3. LaShawn makes me want to keep using my space here as a place to get good with my emotions and thoughts. I like the idea that I can do here what I couldn't do on FreeOpenDiary. I like that here I have feedback from a lot of people who I'm similar to. I just wish more folk did. Writing is good.

And at that, I'm going off to take a nap and prepare for work and the long walk in the cold. Mahalo, bitches!

Edit: Two things, actually. First, I want LaShawn and I to do a set together for Dynamic Duos. The new set this week is fucking incredible. Her and I could do a set that sets the room on fucking fire. I really want to do a set similar to that with her. Secondly, Cinnamon's set is fucking awesome. I want her so fucking badly. Just...wow...innocent but decadently awesome. I'm so thinking she deserves a favorite listing.

So, LaShawn and I on a couch, and me likes the sweet Cinnamon a lot. Oh yes.