bigblack81

Trouble in my life always comes in threes. This is the way my life works. I accepted this fact that one bad thing happening usually signals two other bad things to pile on and make the whole hurt worse. I know this journal can be a bit of a downer at times but this is my true life and I need to talk about it because this is the only place I CAN without fear.

Three pretty fucked up thing happened to me in the course of 5 hours today:

1: My former landlord upped his bill from 275 to 375 for charges from my old apartment arrangement and I can't bill my ex-fiancee for a damned dime.
2: The same person told me that my association with a woman I had intimate relations with has cost me respect from other people and cannot understand why my standing by this person as a friend and lover and adviser was something I wanted to do.
3: Rose, the young snuggle buddy I wrote about earlier in the month, declined my offer for a full relationship on the grounds that she wanted to keep what we did as a one night thing.

I will break each point down now so we can show how trouble is a three way dance for me.

#1: Why I Hate When Women Don't Trust My Judgement

My ex-fiancee wanted to stay with me over this past summer and we moved into a place house sitting for someone. Things went sour and we got tons of fucking charges and shit. My landlord was responsible for her parents finding out that we were living together in the first place. He is a douchebag; a friend, but a douchebag. So as of the last few months I've been trying to pay back what I am liable for out of both duty and a serious need for him to respect me.

He's turned this into a way to bleed me for shitloads of money that I don't have. It's kind of like the line between blackmail and legitimate collections. I'm so tired of this...but I've already lifted my skirt and pulled down my frilly pink panties so he has all rights to fuck me hard. He doesn't even kiss me first! He's a douchebag and he's someone I still respect so I try.

The pissy thing about all this is the fact that my ex is a causation for a lot of the bullshit that happened in the house. She didn't clean up after herself, she brought a cat into the house because she was lonely over my objections, and she didn't back me up on financial issues. She was a little girl and I was a big man. I'm tired of that.

So basically, a woman is the causation for all my money issues right now. But I have no one to blame but myself: I fucked her.

#2: Why Standing Up For People You Love Can Cause Other People To Lose Respect For You

This same person told me that he was angry as all hell at a person who has made life a living hell for a lot of people around here and he didn't see why I could even associate with this person. He also informed me that the fact that I stood by this person to try to rehab her and make her into a decent person has made me a complete reject with people who used to respect me. Beautiful.

Now, remember, this is the girl who broke me up with my love down here at school and was a manipulative bitch in a lot of ways. But she also was a victim of her own bullshit. I know it sounds completely fucked up but I could see the fact that she was lashing out at the people who were close all because she didn't and couldn't decide to make things better for herself. I thought that me being there could help her as I'm not a young faggot about this. I've been there and done that. I slept with her and wanted to make her my girlfriend and rehab the shit out of her.

By doing all this, apparently I've lost respect from former friends by doing this. I just want to clarify this; me being wonderful with this girl and trying to rehab her has made people who used to respect me lose all respect for me. I am now just as big a pariah as I was when I came and all because I thought I could save someone from herself.

You know, for being a bunch of Christian assholes they sure do hate the idea of giving second chances. Rock star posers.

Fuck them and fuck their moralities. But why the hell does it hurt so fucking hard?

#2: Why Breaking In A Virgin Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be

And finally, my snuggle buddy made her decision and I wasn't it. I'm dissappointed but not really that surprised. I offered her me, all of my big black goodness, for a long term contract and she just didn't want that. I won't be surprised if she tries to get back with me later because past returns have shown this to be true but it does hurt a little that she rejected what I offered. It makes me wonder yet again if I'm too committed for my own good.

I've been told I'm forward and blunt with dating. Dammit, I HAVE to be! I don't have time to pussyfoot around anymore! When I try to be friends with girls as a way of backdooring my way into dating, I immediately get fobbed off onto the "faghag friend material" pile. I get the shoulders and the tears and the "you're so sweet but we'd never work" friendship bullshit and the rest of the male world gets the pussy I'm NOT. This is why I've developed the hurry up, no bullshit style. I'm still trying to be a gentleman but now I'm not even trying to be coy anymore; I'm saying what I want and when I want it and I'm doing this because the mating dance makes me look like a freak! And for this I'm getting criticized.

This is why I'm so dissapointed with my snugglebuddy; she knew she wanted a man and she decided that a real man like me wasn't something she could deal with. A hurt...but a benefit as well. I'm tired of indecisive women and I'm tired of being told it CAN'T work being blunt and direct and agressive. If girls can do it, so can I. It's put up or shut up time, ladies of the world. Come get some of the big black love...if ya'll can handle a real nigga like me.

Holla back!

EDIT (2:14 PM): I changed my profile pic and uploaded pics of me at the Holiday Party in Cabbagetown. I love Gin. I love drinking and taking photos so please go and take a look at my photos, including my face studies. Please.

Also, to lighten the entry a bit, I did get one girl whom I'm very involved with online wants me to come to Scotland and be her man. She wants to leave her apparently useless boyfriend and date me! And she's cute! She looks like an SG and she's a traditional goth. Anyone want to underwrite me going to Scotland?