Deficiencies in one's life are often characterized and highlighted through both great successes and great failures. For me, my failure to have someone to come home with after a night of drinking and carousing highlights the greater deficiency of me being alone. Being alone for me now has become something of a rub. Never was this more apparent then at the ATL holiday party. The fact that this was also one of the best nights I've had in close to 4 years and damned near the favorite for night of the year this year just makes the struggle for companionship that much more.
- Initial Returns -
Going down to Atlanta, or anywhere, on greyhound is always difficult. The ride is easy, the time isn't. Often, when I go from north to south on the bus, I drink or pass out for the majority of the trip because all that depression through boredom isn't cool. This time, however, there was merely a quiet anticipation. I felt like I was going to a game day and just going over things in the clubhouse before things jumped off.
Finding the house, however, was difficult. I hate Mapquest for walking directions. They sometimes feel like writing directions for a 4 year old to understand is out of their reach. But I got to the site and hung out for a bit before things jumped off. I love the fact that the denizens of the house drove me to a liquer store to help me fullfill my RSVP. I love them for that.
Finally, it all began. Slowly people trickled in and then we saw the beginnings of the night. Drinking started early, I took over runway duty on the booze and food. That I felt gave me some respect from Devin as it left her time to do what Devin does: start a party.
- Flirting and Feelings and Jagermeister -
By my fourth drink, I was flirting like a maniac. I had to. The amount of available women at the party was surprisingly low, henceforth most of the people inside were doing the guys with guys, girls with girls thing. And I wanted female companionship. So I flirted. All night long. For me, it felt very weird to be so loose; it was exactly what I had been wanting to do...but I didn't like that nagging voice at the back of my head saying that the girls I was flirting with wouldn't think I wanted them were I sober. Which, of course, was SO not true. I would want them regardless; the drinking just made it easier to be able to speak and not make an ass out of myself.
My feelings were high. I had reason to be. I was recognized, I was being talked to, girls smiled at me and I smiled and made witty conversation back. I even snuggled with a few. I didn't see the end of the tunnel.
Jagermeister was brought out and I imbibed. Now, to me, Jagermeister is cough syrup's older, more bitchy cousin. Strong...but sweet. The addition of Red Bull to Jagermeister though...incredible. It was the kind of drink that would make me sing out in many tones and become more and more languid. Jagerbombs made me flirt more. It was about that time I saw her.
She was with a guy from the site and it was a friends/friends/ex thing. I wanted to talk to her and did. I wanted to let her know that I liked her and wanted to talk more. I did and she seemed receptive. She smiled and we talked and traded information. She had such soft skin. I didn't do more then what I did because she was with someone and I didn't want to be rude like that. But I did and do want her. It might not work out...but I achieved a goal I had set for myself. I really wanted Lindsey and I made a run for her; time will tell if things work out.
- Silence is Drunken -
People began to leave about 2. All the single girls, the few there were, left and all the girls there were cool but attached. It made me feel a bit like I was alone again. So I sat down and ate and slowed down my drinking. Eventually, things settled down to just a bunch of guys and some girls. I saw Andrea and she and I talked. I must admit that I really did want to kiss her but again, she was attached. But I think she saw the desire in my eyes and recognized that I wanted to both kiss and hug her AND listen to what she had to say. We exchanged information and we'll talk soon. That was good.
So was talking to KHRYPTIC. We got into a conversation about politics, then about religion and then about life. I really like this kid. He's got that psychotic look on things that makes me think of my flatmate. Also, he really does resemble his persona online which brought a lot of what I read that he's written into better focus. I like making friends and acquaintences. I like that KHRYPTIC wanted to continue talking to me. It means a lot.
I didn't like that girls were slipping off to snuggle and kiss in side rooms, though. It made me feel left out. But that's just the life I guess. I did like the goodbye hugs though. Those made me feel good.
- Conclusions -
I liked the fact that I got drunk.
I liked that a lot of people showed.
I like that I got numbers and screen names from two girls.
I didn't like spending 40 bucks on Greyhound.
I didn't like being unable to kiss girls at the party.
I had hoped for more single girls.
I was grateful that things went as well as they did.
I love the guys from the ATL. We're going to get good women eventually; one day the women of the world will realize that we're some of the real motherfuckers and then good shit will happen.
I wait in wonder for the next meet.
- End Notes -
To everyone at the party, thank you much. Those who affected me personally, and ya'll all know who you are, please accept my humble thanks and smiles to you. To those I didn't get a chance to connect to, I offer up next time and pledge to do better.
I am still very lonely though. The party brought home the issues I have with my life right now; no human contact makes for a boy who is bitter and angry. I didn't want the party to end and when it did and when I came home I fought back the tears of anger and dissapointment that once again I'm here in Chattanooga. I'm here in the cold city.
Loneliness doesn't kill...but it does hurt. Girls, when posting dating profiles just to be silly, just remember that there are guys who take this seriously here. I know I do. I'd like an SG girl to help me bury my loneliness for a while. Fuck sex; I just want someone to hold and love for love's sake.
On that note, I'm going to collapse into bed and die. I'll rise again tonight for hell at work. Holla atcha boi.
- Initial Returns -
Going down to Atlanta, or anywhere, on greyhound is always difficult. The ride is easy, the time isn't. Often, when I go from north to south on the bus, I drink or pass out for the majority of the trip because all that depression through boredom isn't cool. This time, however, there was merely a quiet anticipation. I felt like I was going to a game day and just going over things in the clubhouse before things jumped off.
Finding the house, however, was difficult. I hate Mapquest for walking directions. They sometimes feel like writing directions for a 4 year old to understand is out of their reach. But I got to the site and hung out for a bit before things jumped off. I love the fact that the denizens of the house drove me to a liquer store to help me fullfill my RSVP. I love them for that.
Finally, it all began. Slowly people trickled in and then we saw the beginnings of the night. Drinking started early, I took over runway duty on the booze and food. That I felt gave me some respect from Devin as it left her time to do what Devin does: start a party.
- Flirting and Feelings and Jagermeister -
By my fourth drink, I was flirting like a maniac. I had to. The amount of available women at the party was surprisingly low, henceforth most of the people inside were doing the guys with guys, girls with girls thing. And I wanted female companionship. So I flirted. All night long. For me, it felt very weird to be so loose; it was exactly what I had been wanting to do...but I didn't like that nagging voice at the back of my head saying that the girls I was flirting with wouldn't think I wanted them were I sober. Which, of course, was SO not true. I would want them regardless; the drinking just made it easier to be able to speak and not make an ass out of myself.
My feelings were high. I had reason to be. I was recognized, I was being talked to, girls smiled at me and I smiled and made witty conversation back. I even snuggled with a few. I didn't see the end of the tunnel.
Jagermeister was brought out and I imbibed. Now, to me, Jagermeister is cough syrup's older, more bitchy cousin. Strong...but sweet. The addition of Red Bull to Jagermeister though...incredible. It was the kind of drink that would make me sing out in many tones and become more and more languid. Jagerbombs made me flirt more. It was about that time I saw her.
She was with a guy from the site and it was a friends/friends/ex thing. I wanted to talk to her and did. I wanted to let her know that I liked her and wanted to talk more. I did and she seemed receptive. She smiled and we talked and traded information. She had such soft skin. I didn't do more then what I did because she was with someone and I didn't want to be rude like that. But I did and do want her. It might not work out...but I achieved a goal I had set for myself. I really wanted Lindsey and I made a run for her; time will tell if things work out.
- Silence is Drunken -
People began to leave about 2. All the single girls, the few there were, left and all the girls there were cool but attached. It made me feel a bit like I was alone again. So I sat down and ate and slowed down my drinking. Eventually, things settled down to just a bunch of guys and some girls. I saw Andrea and she and I talked. I must admit that I really did want to kiss her but again, she was attached. But I think she saw the desire in my eyes and recognized that I wanted to both kiss and hug her AND listen to what she had to say. We exchanged information and we'll talk soon. That was good.
So was talking to KHRYPTIC. We got into a conversation about politics, then about religion and then about life. I really like this kid. He's got that psychotic look on things that makes me think of my flatmate. Also, he really does resemble his persona online which brought a lot of what I read that he's written into better focus. I like making friends and acquaintences. I like that KHRYPTIC wanted to continue talking to me. It means a lot.
I didn't like that girls were slipping off to snuggle and kiss in side rooms, though. It made me feel left out. But that's just the life I guess. I did like the goodbye hugs though. Those made me feel good.
- Conclusions -
I liked the fact that I got drunk.
I liked that a lot of people showed.
I like that I got numbers and screen names from two girls.
I didn't like spending 40 bucks on Greyhound.
I didn't like being unable to kiss girls at the party.
I had hoped for more single girls.
I was grateful that things went as well as they did.
I love the guys from the ATL. We're going to get good women eventually; one day the women of the world will realize that we're some of the real motherfuckers and then good shit will happen.
I wait in wonder for the next meet.
- End Notes -
To everyone at the party, thank you much. Those who affected me personally, and ya'll all know who you are, please accept my humble thanks and smiles to you. To those I didn't get a chance to connect to, I offer up next time and pledge to do better.
I am still very lonely though. The party brought home the issues I have with my life right now; no human contact makes for a boy who is bitter and angry. I didn't want the party to end and when it did and when I came home I fought back the tears of anger and dissapointment that once again I'm here in Chattanooga. I'm here in the cold city.
Loneliness doesn't kill...but it does hurt. Girls, when posting dating profiles just to be silly, just remember that there are guys who take this seriously here. I know I do. I'd like an SG girl to help me bury my loneliness for a while. Fuck sex; I just want someone to hold and love for love's sake.
On that note, I'm going to collapse into bed and die. I'll rise again tonight for hell at work. Holla atcha boi.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
driana:
I enjoyed reading this journal entry, it was cool and articulate. And I know what you mean - things at parties are always just vaguely out of reach it seems... 
faye:
Hey, just dropping you a quick thank you for the comment you left me, your support means a lot.