bigblack81

First and foremost, a big RIP and a long live rock to Dimebag Darrell. Lots of other folk have talked about this and it's still fresh on everyone's minds, so all I'll say is this: To lose someone like him is tragic but to know he died doing what he loved is a consolation. We should all be so lucky. Most of us die withered, alone and unloved; he died full, surrounded by loved ones, and admired by so many. He shouldn't be gone but he is and he's going to a better place.

Still doesn't stop the hurt though. I was riding to work last night and I was listening to ROCK 105 and they were doing a tribute and when the first song played, I had to shut the radio off and fight back tears. God I wish he was still here...and Kurt...and Biggie...and 2Pac...and Lennon...

Anyway. Onto business.

- I Really Don't Like Christian Gay Morality -

Devon and Diana both came to see me last night at work, We settled some issues, talked about money shit, laughed for the first time in a long time and was cool for a while. But then the conversation shifted to some mutual acquaintances who are gay and christian-bent. Devon, my old landlord, is country and I'm city. He's country music and I'm rock and roll and soul. We see things differently. He starts going on and on about how gays are so wrong and how he hates that gay culture and the gay agenda is being so wide spread. and this is making me mad iffy because not only had I started reading Yukio Mishima's works again (more on that later) but I am in fact Bi-Sexual!

I wanted to tell him I was bi and that what he was saying really bothered me because it wasn't an issue of who you screw, it's an issue of who you love but I didn't want him to lose respect for me as a person. I'm not sure we're even friends anymore but I do still respect and like him. I often don't get a lot of where he's coming from but that's the divide between being conservative and liberal. What bothers me is the fact that I do believe in God but I'm not going to stop being who I am. For me, being bi is one of the fewest things on my mind and yet it pisses people off so.

I don't like feeling like I cannot be true to myself while at Southern. This might be water under the bridge but you'd think Christians would learn the first rule of life which is to love...

- American Beauty, Stalkers, and Why I Love Ricky Fitts -

Devon later on in the evening talked about how he hated American Beauty and hated the movie because it to him was promoting so much of the things he hates in the culture today: stalkings, underage happenings, infidelity, supposed gay innuendos, etc. And it really began to bother me because if there is one movie that I relate to, it's American Beauty. To me, Ricky Fitts, along with being cute as fuck, is someone I wish I had the kind of courage to be. He IS a stalker but he's a stalker for life. He's someone who does what he does and he makes no apologies for it. He does what he does and gets the girl he is interested in and he changes not for her but because of her. To me, that's what I want.

I am a stalker. I am. I'm tired of denying it and trying to hide it and shade over it. For me, being a stalker isn't something that is harmful. I'm not an obsessive. But I do love to observe and look and study things. Beautiful, ugly, interesting, all things. Rare is the day when I DON'T stalk something. I want to get into stock photography with a digital camera for that reason alone. I love the idea of studies of a thing, person or object. To study someone or something is to stalk it, at least for me. I don't want to hide that part of me anymore because it's a beautiful thing to me that I CAN be that patient and that quiet and that focused on something or someone.

Girls fall under this for a lot of reasons. One of the things that makes me me is the fact that I'd love to do studies of the girls I know not to do porn or make erotic photos but because they are a subject and I want to stalk and capture them in the best way I know how WITHOUT HURTING, HARMING, or VIOLATING anyone. Let me repeat that: I am a stalker who wants to be conscious of who he is studying and why he is doing it. i want to be like the old boy scout camping credo: Take only pictures and leave only footprints. And yet because of the stigmas about the word and the idea of stalkers I am shunned. I am lumped into all those obsessive, destructive stalkers who give the idea of stalking a bad name.

To me, if you linger that extra second when looking at a crush, if you gaze with questioning at the figure of your yelling boss that you just cannot understand, if you slyly peep at your mother cooking food because you want to see how she does the magic she does, YOU ARE A STALKER.

I'm just brave enough to admit it and embrace it.

- Home Life Makes Me Sad. Big Whoop. -

As I'm writing this down, I'm sitting here with my flatmate and he's talking about how he's at the end of his rope with his wife and shit and how he has no clue what the fuck else to do. He's rusting inside as am I. He's rusting and his wife, someone I am friends with and attracted to, is fucking him up bigtime. He's not doing what he needs to do as well, but he's also making sure the rent is paid and we have heat. Such as it is. He's trying. As am I.

We're both two similar souls lost right now and I'm not sure if we're going to be saved. I'm just not sure anymore. The women in our lives are fucking insane and we're both being hurt, he by being mistreated and I by being neglected. We're not getting our needs met and the bitterness is growing. I love him so much because he's the kind of person I relate to. I don't not understand him; I AM him for a lot of things.

I'm crying and venting out and he's sitting here just nodding and he knows the shit I'm going through. This just...this just doesn't work. Something fundemental has to change. I have to change. And so does he.

- Yukio Mishima: Someone I Wish I Knew -

I've tried to read all of Yukio Mishima's works before but I was always too emotionally unstable to do it. This week, I bought two of his more dark novels and began reading them. Forbidden Colors is about homosexuality in post war Japan and his takes on love and life are so dark, so angry yet so happy and honest that they feel like what I'd be writing about. He was bisexual, a japanese patriot and a writer of his people. He killed himself the morning that he finished his masterwork.

For me to read Mishima's works is to read the kind of stuff that nightmares are made of. And yet, the more and more I find the courage to read his books, the more and more I find about myself. Yukio Mishima is someone I wish I knew because I wish I could tell him just how much he's imprinted my head. Few writers do that to me. Few people inspire me anymore. He does.

I was going to make this a longer entry but I just want to ship the rest of Faye's things off and go to bed. I've one last day of work before the Atlanta party and I need my rest to get through it. I need to go there and get drunk and relax because this town is becoming a vice on my heart. Yeah.

One nice thing, though, is that I'm finally losing enough weight to wear raver pants. Who knows? Mabye if this keeps up, I'll be slim one day. That'll be a strange day.

I may write something more later. Who knows. But for now, thank you for reading this far. Courage in you is growing every day for getting this deep into my madness. The killer in me is the killer in you. Cliche...but true.

For now, adieu.