Ok. Let's get right down to it. I've got some good things at the end of this entry but right now is my usual dose of bleary eyed, somewhat insomniatic sunshine that just makes the world go, 'hmmmmmm....that boy ain't right'.
Plus, this one is partially underwritten by seeing my roommate's fiancee half naked this morning coming out of her room whilst I was waiting for folk to wake up. Seeing fat cute ass online is one thing, having it hump your housemate next door is fucking much.
So if this one seems a little green with envy, so be it. I'm both green and red and black all over. So fuck it.
- Looking at real SG girls getting naked and partying is hazardous to one's state of mind. -
All I'll say is this: MistakesMade and the girls in the Maryland trip (I will not post a link for this, as if you read my friend's list you'll find her there. Frankly, she doesn't need the adverting - the boobs do it for her.) have made me wish yet again that I was a girl and I liked girls. I hate being a large black male who is a romantic; I never get to go to the fun sex games. Ever.
It's one thing to see an internet crush naked, it's another thing to see her post a set. But when she is cavorting half naked with a bunch of other hot girls who are also half naked and someone is recording all this for Sg glory...I just...I don't know. I can't whack off anymore to this because it just depresses me so. To be so close...yet so far away...
And please, don't think I didn't like seeing all that beautiful young woman running around. I loved it. What I hated and hate about it is that these are the kinds of girls I pine for and don't feel I can get. And it's hard to look at naked girls who should be closer to you in range but aren't. Most of these girls intimidate me, SG's and regular members alike, but I know deep down that I SHOULDN'T be intimidated by them! At all! I should be throwing it down and trying to hook up with that scene girl I've always pined for. But the blocks in my mind are fierce; seeing that album just re-ignited the fires of shame and unworthyness in me.
I really would like to like MistakesMade more. I just saw a little too much too soon for today. My brain and my heart are frying slowly in a pain of bile and self loathing and I just want to either kill myself over this shyness or go out and live. Perhaps tomorrow the male in me will re-emerge and I'll be able to look at these pictures here without feeling inadequate. Perhaps my libido will tell my self doubt and loathing to shut the fuck up.
- Work Bitches Suck Large Tasty C...Just Not Mine. -
Perhaps if this little gem of an incident hadn't happened, I would have been far better to deal with the above feelings. Work last night was both really good and really bad. The first 6.5 hours were great. I was having the shift of my life. Work was getting done, I was tweaking my nuts off on clear, I was focused as all hell and my food was coming out great. The store was clean, I had made a few bills and I felt satisfied.
Then Amy, the psycho bitch from hell showed up with her little leech boy. That didn't bother me. What bothered me was the fact that she Steak incident was repeated, this time with a salad! And to top it all off, two of the other dope head skanks I know stopped by and wanted to get food for free! For nearly an hour before shift change, with me having to do a buttload of work still, they had me running like a rented mule and they didn't pay because they wanted me to cheat my system and write it off. The guilt tripped me and busted my balls so badly that the pleasant trip I was having turned into the sludge I'm STILL feeling now, 6 hours later.
"If you were my friend and you asked me for this, I'd do it in a heartbeat." No, little tramp Amy, if you were my friend you wouldn't put me into an ethical quandary about this shit. Friends don't use friends for money and food and property and shit. Friends and co-workers don't put their fellows out on the line on an assumption that they'd do the same if things were reversed! They wouldn't get fired for me over giving away free food...so why should I for them?
But once again, I'm the NARC, the butt boy, the bad guy. And you know what? I don't care. The fact that at one point I wanted to have relations with all three of these girls makes me so disgusted with myself I want to hang my body from a short rafter and swing in the wind. Am I that desparate that I want women who are physically semi-attractive and full to their eyebrows in shit?
Yes. Yes I am. And that fucking sucks. Ball busting bitches need to die. Give me a cutting goth girl who doesn't smile but gives good hugs and kisses. Fuck ho's.
- Braids, or How I Came To Understand BDSM -
The sad thing is, Amy is my braider for my hair now. She braided my hair on Monday night/Tuesday Morning and I took photos of it along with more of my body and cock for the BCB group. (The new set is up and awesome. And I might have a photographer for a more ambitious project soon...keep watching...) I've never had my hair braided before and it hurt like hell. But it also felt really, really good. It felt good and for a first braid it's pretty decent. The new profile pic is one of the shots I took this morning whilst my insomnia reigned supreme.
I just want to be handsome. I want girls to look at me and get slightly damp and want to talk to me, not the other way around. I did something that gave me a lot more confidence and made me think I was cuter and hotter...but I still harbor all the same demons. I want my demons to just stop for a bit and let me be able to show off what I CAN do. I want girls I meet through this site to be interested in me. I don't want to be a chaser anymore.
And it sucks that I don't know enough people to give me other options about things like drugs and hair braiding and information in the midnight hour. Amy should be so far on my shitlist I could pass her like a niblet of corn. And she is...but I'm still going to have her braid me up before work Friday so I can go to Atlanta with small braids.
Enemies, friends, BDSM, braids...such is my shitty life.
- More Male Loathing -
I guess this also contributed to my current state of mind: I was looking through some SG profiles trying to find a cute girl from Australia who I could not only flirt with but possibly PayPal some money to for her to get and send to me some sweet Australian Rock Albums I want and some bitchin Aussie Rules Football gear. I love Aussie Rules so much...I want a Fremantle jersey so badly. Green Purple and White...so tacky yet so cute!
But as I was perusing, I stumbled upon 730A_trixel_fem's journal. Here she posts about this massacre brought on by a woman hating murdering shithead of a man and how it affected her and her country. To see this entry at this hour of the morning hurt me deeply, on a personal level. I carry both the shame and the stigma for a lot of different groups because I am who I am and I just can't stop being who I am. I'm carrying a lot of weight and sometimes I just get so ashamed of who I am. Hearing how this man blamed feminism for all his issues then killed a bunch of women because of it makes me want to rip off my own cock and reounce my manhood. If this is male pride then fuck it, let me be a eunuch.
The worst part, though, is that I can understand the guy's point of view, murderous though it was. Feminists DO fuck my life over. A lot. But for every feminist runing my life there are 8-10 guys fucking my life up on a day to day basis. Whether it's stealing my love interests from under my nose, fucking with my credit history to make themselves look better or NARCing on me to gain superiority, males fuck me up more then females by a wide margain. And I want to shoot everyone on days like this.
It's just painful. I feel shame, loathing, hatred and self doubt all because I have a y Chromosome and a brown skin and I like girls. I want to recant it all. Fuck gender, fuck color, fuck race, fuck creed. I don't want all this shit anymore if these are the crosses that I feel I bear by proxy.
Proxy crosses hurt; you can't have people help the weight.
- Good News...Finally! -
But every raft of shit has a nice bed of mushrooms growing on the top that will trip you the fuck out. And so to do I:
- My braids make me feel good. I like my new look.
-The ATL party is just 2 days away. I want to get drunk and get laid and relax there so badly. I just want to let go a little...
- I like my second set on Big Cuddly Boys. It's me, all me, and I like it. I now also understand what the liberation is about posing naked. I just want to do it. A lot. Preferably for someone taking my picture that I'm being intimate with but that's not a necessity. I just took a lot of pictures of me the last 3 days. I want to see me more; I'm actually thinking that I'm not that bad. not really.
- My flatmate, Amber, might be going with me soon to apply at Waffle house. If so, and she's hired, that will mean more money in the house and I'll have to bail us out less. More money for me to throw at cheap women!
- I have lots of pictures and lots of episodes of the Joy Of Painting on my computer. Plus, I found a friend who likes what I like to watch. Tis a shame she's chasing someone else...but that could change.
And now, as my stomach growls and the clear wears off, I go silent for now. I miss Rose. I want Rose. I want a lot of girls but I want one girl to want me MORE. I hate crushes that I can do little about. I want to drive.
I. Me. Alone. Again. Naturally.
Plus, this one is partially underwritten by seeing my roommate's fiancee half naked this morning coming out of her room whilst I was waiting for folk to wake up. Seeing fat cute ass online is one thing, having it hump your housemate next door is fucking much.
So if this one seems a little green with envy, so be it. I'm both green and red and black all over. So fuck it.
- Looking at real SG girls getting naked and partying is hazardous to one's state of mind. -
All I'll say is this: MistakesMade and the girls in the Maryland trip (I will not post a link for this, as if you read my friend's list you'll find her there. Frankly, she doesn't need the adverting - the boobs do it for her.) have made me wish yet again that I was a girl and I liked girls. I hate being a large black male who is a romantic; I never get to go to the fun sex games. Ever.
It's one thing to see an internet crush naked, it's another thing to see her post a set. But when she is cavorting half naked with a bunch of other hot girls who are also half naked and someone is recording all this for Sg glory...I just...I don't know. I can't whack off anymore to this because it just depresses me so. To be so close...yet so far away...
And please, don't think I didn't like seeing all that beautiful young woman running around. I loved it. What I hated and hate about it is that these are the kinds of girls I pine for and don't feel I can get. And it's hard to look at naked girls who should be closer to you in range but aren't. Most of these girls intimidate me, SG's and regular members alike, but I know deep down that I SHOULDN'T be intimidated by them! At all! I should be throwing it down and trying to hook up with that scene girl I've always pined for. But the blocks in my mind are fierce; seeing that album just re-ignited the fires of shame and unworthyness in me.
I really would like to like MistakesMade more. I just saw a little too much too soon for today. My brain and my heart are frying slowly in a pain of bile and self loathing and I just want to either kill myself over this shyness or go out and live. Perhaps tomorrow the male in me will re-emerge and I'll be able to look at these pictures here without feeling inadequate. Perhaps my libido will tell my self doubt and loathing to shut the fuck up.
- Work Bitches Suck Large Tasty C...Just Not Mine. -
Perhaps if this little gem of an incident hadn't happened, I would have been far better to deal with the above feelings. Work last night was both really good and really bad. The first 6.5 hours were great. I was having the shift of my life. Work was getting done, I was tweaking my nuts off on clear, I was focused as all hell and my food was coming out great. The store was clean, I had made a few bills and I felt satisfied.
Then Amy, the psycho bitch from hell showed up with her little leech boy. That didn't bother me. What bothered me was the fact that she Steak incident was repeated, this time with a salad! And to top it all off, two of the other dope head skanks I know stopped by and wanted to get food for free! For nearly an hour before shift change, with me having to do a buttload of work still, they had me running like a rented mule and they didn't pay because they wanted me to cheat my system and write it off. The guilt tripped me and busted my balls so badly that the pleasant trip I was having turned into the sludge I'm STILL feeling now, 6 hours later.
"If you were my friend and you asked me for this, I'd do it in a heartbeat." No, little tramp Amy, if you were my friend you wouldn't put me into an ethical quandary about this shit. Friends don't use friends for money and food and property and shit. Friends and co-workers don't put their fellows out on the line on an assumption that they'd do the same if things were reversed! They wouldn't get fired for me over giving away free food...so why should I for them?
But once again, I'm the NARC, the butt boy, the bad guy. And you know what? I don't care. The fact that at one point I wanted to have relations with all three of these girls makes me so disgusted with myself I want to hang my body from a short rafter and swing in the wind. Am I that desparate that I want women who are physically semi-attractive and full to their eyebrows in shit?
Yes. Yes I am. And that fucking sucks. Ball busting bitches need to die. Give me a cutting goth girl who doesn't smile but gives good hugs and kisses. Fuck ho's.
- Braids, or How I Came To Understand BDSM -
The sad thing is, Amy is my braider for my hair now. She braided my hair on Monday night/Tuesday Morning and I took photos of it along with more of my body and cock for the BCB group. (The new set is up and awesome. And I might have a photographer for a more ambitious project soon...keep watching...) I've never had my hair braided before and it hurt like hell. But it also felt really, really good. It felt good and for a first braid it's pretty decent. The new profile pic is one of the shots I took this morning whilst my insomnia reigned supreme.
I just want to be handsome. I want girls to look at me and get slightly damp and want to talk to me, not the other way around. I did something that gave me a lot more confidence and made me think I was cuter and hotter...but I still harbor all the same demons. I want my demons to just stop for a bit and let me be able to show off what I CAN do. I want girls I meet through this site to be interested in me. I don't want to be a chaser anymore.
And it sucks that I don't know enough people to give me other options about things like drugs and hair braiding and information in the midnight hour. Amy should be so far on my shitlist I could pass her like a niblet of corn. And she is...but I'm still going to have her braid me up before work Friday so I can go to Atlanta with small braids.
Enemies, friends, BDSM, braids...such is my shitty life.
- More Male Loathing -
I guess this also contributed to my current state of mind: I was looking through some SG profiles trying to find a cute girl from Australia who I could not only flirt with but possibly PayPal some money to for her to get and send to me some sweet Australian Rock Albums I want and some bitchin Aussie Rules Football gear. I love Aussie Rules so much...I want a Fremantle jersey so badly. Green Purple and White...so tacky yet so cute!
But as I was perusing, I stumbled upon 730A_trixel_fem's journal. Here she posts about this massacre brought on by a woman hating murdering shithead of a man and how it affected her and her country. To see this entry at this hour of the morning hurt me deeply, on a personal level. I carry both the shame and the stigma for a lot of different groups because I am who I am and I just can't stop being who I am. I'm carrying a lot of weight and sometimes I just get so ashamed of who I am. Hearing how this man blamed feminism for all his issues then killed a bunch of women because of it makes me want to rip off my own cock and reounce my manhood. If this is male pride then fuck it, let me be a eunuch.
The worst part, though, is that I can understand the guy's point of view, murderous though it was. Feminists DO fuck my life over. A lot. But for every feminist runing my life there are 8-10 guys fucking my life up on a day to day basis. Whether it's stealing my love interests from under my nose, fucking with my credit history to make themselves look better or NARCing on me to gain superiority, males fuck me up more then females by a wide margain. And I want to shoot everyone on days like this.
It's just painful. I feel shame, loathing, hatred and self doubt all because I have a y Chromosome and a brown skin and I like girls. I want to recant it all. Fuck gender, fuck color, fuck race, fuck creed. I don't want all this shit anymore if these are the crosses that I feel I bear by proxy.
Proxy crosses hurt; you can't have people help the weight.
- Good News...Finally! -
But every raft of shit has a nice bed of mushrooms growing on the top that will trip you the fuck out. And so to do I:
- My braids make me feel good. I like my new look.
-The ATL party is just 2 days away. I want to get drunk and get laid and relax there so badly. I just want to let go a little...
- I like my second set on Big Cuddly Boys. It's me, all me, and I like it. I now also understand what the liberation is about posing naked. I just want to do it. A lot. Preferably for someone taking my picture that I'm being intimate with but that's not a necessity. I just took a lot of pictures of me the last 3 days. I want to see me more; I'm actually thinking that I'm not that bad. not really.
- My flatmate, Amber, might be going with me soon to apply at Waffle house. If so, and she's hired, that will mean more money in the house and I'll have to bail us out less. More money for me to throw at cheap women!
- I have lots of pictures and lots of episodes of the Joy Of Painting on my computer. Plus, I found a friend who likes what I like to watch. Tis a shame she's chasing someone else...but that could change.
And now, as my stomach growls and the clear wears off, I go silent for now. I miss Rose. I want Rose. I want a lot of girls but I want one girl to want me MORE. I hate crushes that I can do little about. I want to drive.
I. Me. Alone. Again. Naturally.
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