bigblack81

I had to cook last night at work. Fucking horrendous. Still...the bigger check near the end of the month will be nice but I hate the idea that I had to cook when I hadn't prepared for it. It bothers me that this is my life; the substitute cook for the shitheads who don't show. I told my manager and my district manager that after the holidays I'm training more to take a high volume shift or two because I'm ether going to be a full time cook here or in Nashville. I just cannot do three days cooking anymore. It's just not worth it. I need 1500 dollars a month or more and I won't do it doing the floor and cook thing. It's either one or the other. Either I get serious about the cooking or I get a two year degree and go work in some office somewhere.

I'm at yet another crossroads in life. Adding to this is the fact that I'm realizing with total certainty that Chattanooga is possibly the worst, most dead fucking city on the fucking planet. Hell, even if the city had a big country music live scene, that wouldn't be too bad because at least some folk, blues and alt.country could filter through. But no. Chattanooga is defined by Work, School, Church, Football, and Wal-Mart. Fucking WAL-MART!!!!!!! *takes a deep breath*

For me, this is all coming at a strange time in my life. I'm realizing that the very thing that makes me me, the idea that I'm a lone wolf is the very thing that is crippling me socially. Social interaction for me is something that is imporant becuase the fragile but very prominent wings on my back are beginning to expand as I, the social butterfly, emerges. This is difficult for me to deal with as I need to be able have a place to experiment and grow in and do more. And Chattanooga just isn't it.

I never went out to parties and friends houses much during high or middle school. Often it was because distances made that very difficult to do. For a long time, I didn't have a lot of friends in the real world and not that many more on the net. Things have gotten a lot better then 6 years ago but now I'm ready to take the next step into being a more social person. The chains of my past, however, are keeping me somewhat grounded and I'd like to know more of myself to do something about it.

I don't want to keep medicating to deal with this shit inside of me. The idea of me being on Paxil, or Jack Daniels, just to be able to talk to someone socially bothers me because when the bottles are empty what the fuck am I left with? Little old me. It's something I deal with a lot.

But I'm tired now and I need sleep. So some random notes before I go to bed:

- Writer, you're attractive and hot as hell to me. Just deal with it. In fact, I dare you to contact me on a messenger service. I double dog dare you, Writer. Talk to me and give me a chance...you'll be surprised.

- Crushes suck. I'd prefer to fall for people hard.

- I'm wanting to find a hobby and stick with it. Being in and out is difficult on my pocketbook. But I don't want to be piegonholed either. What should I do?

Later all.

Edit: I just figured out that Oryon had posted the Thanksgiving pics. I so needed to put this one up. It's of me and Sg Llona. I'm so tall and dorky looking...still, I was looking really handsome that night and the contrast is striking.

Big ups to Oryon for taking the photo and Llona for posing with me.