bhavok

This is a long journal rant / alot on my mind... Be forewarned..

I for being a person of the male population, do not enjoy booty calls.. I will openly admit that.. I don't enjoy them when your down and feel like absolute crap.. There was a time once in my life when I was engaged to one of the most incredible girls I will ever have the pleasure to know.. We ended up going thru some what I felt falling apart, well on my behalf.. How I could ever hurt someone the way I did, I will never know how.. Everyone said " you did the right thing ".. When we broke up a few years ago, we went through alot of angry times with each other, there was alot of back and forth arguments, disagreements, and not talking periods.. She did the usual, go off to college, experiment thing.. I opted to work full-time with a union job, had a great pathway paved for myself, early retirement set up, the whole deal.. Something came along, I got sidetracked from it, and lost alot, if not what I felt to be everything.. I was a young, dumb kid looking to make money fast, which I did, and is what paid for my backpiece.. So it had it's up's and down's.. Sure I made it into tattoo magazines, lots and lots of compliments, etc, but those appearances in magazines, and compliments don't do shit for me now..

So a few years go by, and my ex and I got the wheels going again, we were both what felt like " changed personalities ".. Both matured a little bit, got our heads straightened out, etc, etc.. So then we get back together, move in together, and then people start getting married, engaged, her clock starts going into warped speed, and I popped the question.. Over come with emotions, I have nothing of any idea what to expect.. We get back from Key West, where I proposed, and turns out, half of the wedding is planned already.. Now, I am 100% able to understand how important the " wedding day " is to a woman, but jumping the gun there a tad, Oh mother-in-law, aren't ya?.. So months go by, and we're barely scrapping by as is, and then the pressure, stress, etc of everything builds up and up and up.. She's never around anymore, I'm sitting around with dick-in-hand, tv remote in the other, she's out all the time with her friends, having fun.. And I'm fast asleep by the time she would normally come home.. So seeing eachother although living together, is non-existant.. So this is the time where I start to feel sepearation from her, and realize this isn't going to work.. I go and call the whole thing off, everyone hates me for " hurting her ", which is completely 1 sided opinions, noone is interested in hearing what I have to input into the situation, and I disappear, fall off of the map of existance..

This is where the booty call part comes in to play.. So shortly after we break-up officially, I'm hammered trying to deal with losing her once again, and end up hooking up with this girl I've known for years.. She has a kid, I know the father, we grew up together, and well, he's not a great father figure, and well she is trying to ride the father out of seeing his child ( which I don't think is right, but it's not my place for inserting speech on the subject ).. So her and i hook up, and well now a year and a few months go by, and now she is looking for a relationship once again, is giving me " booty call " phone calls.. Now i understand that most men would jump at the any given sign for sex, but I'm not interested and she doesn't get it.. It's not the fact that she is giving me " booty calls" and such, it's just I'm not interested.. I'm not interested in her, her reproductive organs, and I certainly don't need being someone else's kid's babies daddy.. that's really the last thing I need on my plate.. So I'm just overly frustrated.. With work, with the booty calls, with alot of things.. Just overly stressed out and frustrated and confused.. I welcome any suggestions on how to relax, and just clear my head, that don't really involve alcohol or drugs, i'm not straight edge, or anything like that, just not looking for that way of relief..

It's an odd feeling to know the people who said " I'll always be there for you ", and even though the are, in a sense, they really just seem to fade into the background when things feel off or odd about your life.. I'm not saying for them to stop or drop everything they're doing at that time, but make an effort to get a hold of the people who were always there for you, when you needed.. What I'm getting at is, one of my best friend's from junior high school, we met when I was in 9th, he was in 8th grade.. We were always there for one another no matter what.. Then it started to be, me there for him more then anything.. And then, he gets married and starts a family.. Ok, i have no problem with that what so ever.. I couldn't be happier for him, seeing I was his best man at his wedding and all.. But I make an attempt to get a hold of him, his cell phone # changes repeatedly, he deals with cell phones as a job, so i understand that, but I try and get to him thru his wife, she knows how close he and I are, and yet she doens't reply to me, answers anything, not a thing.. It hurts to feel like one of your closest friends in the world, has been driven away from you because of his wife.. I have never done anything but be nice to her, and help them when they needed, and this is the thanks I get in return.. To feel like I am walking the earth alone, like noone is there for me, when I actually need something or some advice / help / etc.. I suppose karma works in mysterious ways, seeing as he is the married on now, and his wife is the one that helps to hurt me by not helping..

Have a great weekend..