Major rant ahead...
If I could describe how I feel lately the only word that kind of seems to sum it up is: divided.
I need someone/Leave me alone
I have to leave/This is home now
I need her/She is not who I used to love anymore
I'm not ok/Was I ever in the first place?
These are just some of the many contradictory thoughts I have on a daily basis, causing mood swings and sleepless nights that definitely not fit this time of the year when energy must be regained in order to live through another work season. But I guess it's all my fault, for the past two years I drowned every doubt and insecurity by keeping busy in all sorts of ways: my graduation, teaching, translating, maintining several bands, roadie gigs and random trips in all sorts of places. All this didn't really help me face what was hurting me, it just put it aside letting it build up like a negative emotional black hole; and now that for the first time I found myself stuck without any work or plan this black hole finally bursted.
On a possibly brighter note I'll be returning to Italy on tuesday, even if it's just going to be for a few days, and the reason is another potentially distracting gig...considering my previous thoughts it might seem like trying to cure a bulletwound with a band-aid once again but i trully have hope this will be the kind of turn I badly need right now since it should force me away from the current enviroment I live in. Usually i don't really trust hope for this kind of things, but right now I'll take that too if it has the slightest chance to work; honestly I don't even care how big this turn I'm waiting for will actually be, all I need is a chance to start something new from scratch and do it right this time around.
Despite this slight optimism though I'm also worried about this trip, especially because of my current emotional state that obviously is far from fit and I'll have to pretty much deal with myself for five days or so in an empty home and an empty city, just thinking about it now makes me want to rip those plane tickets. But then again it's a bit of a deja v of 5 years ago when i first got into this phase of my life that, despite giving me lots of pain lately, in the beginning it gave me a lot of hope and happiness too. These days it really feels like that moment was actually yesterday, I still remember how I felt about that other pointless flight to italy, with an eerie lack of plane fright shut down by me thinking "what you got to lose if this flight goes wrong? nothing", really I could have died without really giving a fuck and without the guilt of doing it myself. But then the next flight that fear came back after having spent five days when everything seemed to fall back into place; some issues with my university got solved, I had a new band without any junkies and psychos ruining it all and, most importantly, I had found a girl I was deeply in love with.Considering this I really hope to be afraid of the return flight again this time. I really hope something will change, or even just begin to change, as it happend those 5 years ago. I don't expect once again to rebuild a life in less than a week, I just wish I'll get a sign that starting over is possible for me and not just another pointless illusion. If this is meant to happen, this time I'll really do my best to make it work
If I could describe how I feel lately the only word that kind of seems to sum it up is: divided.
I need someone/Leave me alone
I have to leave/This is home now
I need her/She is not who I used to love anymore
I'm not ok/Was I ever in the first place?
These are just some of the many contradictory thoughts I have on a daily basis, causing mood swings and sleepless nights that definitely not fit this time of the year when energy must be regained in order to live through another work season. But I guess it's all my fault, for the past two years I drowned every doubt and insecurity by keeping busy in all sorts of ways: my graduation, teaching, translating, maintining several bands, roadie gigs and random trips in all sorts of places. All this didn't really help me face what was hurting me, it just put it aside letting it build up like a negative emotional black hole; and now that for the first time I found myself stuck without any work or plan this black hole finally bursted.
On a possibly brighter note I'll be returning to Italy on tuesday, even if it's just going to be for a few days, and the reason is another potentially distracting gig...considering my previous thoughts it might seem like trying to cure a bulletwound with a band-aid once again but i trully have hope this will be the kind of turn I badly need right now since it should force me away from the current enviroment I live in. Usually i don't really trust hope for this kind of things, but right now I'll take that too if it has the slightest chance to work; honestly I don't even care how big this turn I'm waiting for will actually be, all I need is a chance to start something new from scratch and do it right this time around.
Despite this slight optimism though I'm also worried about this trip, especially because of my current emotional state that obviously is far from fit and I'll have to pretty much deal with myself for five days or so in an empty home and an empty city, just thinking about it now makes me want to rip those plane tickets. But then again it's a bit of a deja v of 5 years ago when i first got into this phase of my life that, despite giving me lots of pain lately, in the beginning it gave me a lot of hope and happiness too. These days it really feels like that moment was actually yesterday, I still remember how I felt about that other pointless flight to italy, with an eerie lack of plane fright shut down by me thinking "what you got to lose if this flight goes wrong? nothing", really I could have died without really giving a fuck and without the guilt of doing it myself. But then the next flight that fear came back after having spent five days when everything seemed to fall back into place; some issues with my university got solved, I had a new band without any junkies and psychos ruining it all and, most importantly, I had found a girl I was deeply in love with.Considering this I really hope to be afraid of the return flight again this time. I really hope something will change, or even just begin to change, as it happend those 5 years ago. I don't expect once again to rebuild a life in less than a week, I just wish I'll get a sign that starting over is possible for me and not just another pointless illusion. If this is meant to happen, this time I'll really do my best to make it work
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
riae:
heheh..grazie..far le foto da sola con quella macchina fotografica un casino!
creepie:
AWSOME!! Its great to know of someone who has actually done it!!!!! I will someday....