So, its 2am within 12hours im on my way to the hospital in sweden.
Tobias mum will drive me to Malm, where i'll get picked up by my mum and brother.
And all i can think about is, how can i hurt myself as much as possible during these 11h? Cus once im in the hospital, oh i juts realaized it never stopped me from hurting myself befor.
Im just kinda wondering how long ill stay.
Oh and the bathroom is calling my name, thats where all the good stuff is, the razors and the liquidnozinan that he made me drink once.
I know we shouldnt share eachoters medecins, but if im out im out, if im in need im in need, i guess.
I cant talk to anyone about how i feel, like, go into details, cus theres this wall inside of me.And It only ends with people getting really upset and worried, cus usually i can tell them HOW i feel, but not WHY, and then im just being told off, yelled at, fucked over, and left crying alone.
Im just so fucking scared. All the time, i dont know how long i can take this.
And yeah as i said im out of medecines u take in need, xcept one brand of sleepingpills wich leaves u with a horrible taste in your mouth. its a good pill, but i think i over did it cus i wont fall asleep ftom it anymore.
Im having alot of thoughts about stuff that makes no sense, and pictures froim the outside are being shown in my head, like pictures of me dead on the bathroom floor, pictures where theres cut up bodyparts, or dead bodies that i cut in and no blood will run out and pictures of featuses that opens their eyes and screams.
theres alot of crazy shit in my head. The voices are still not yelling tho, must have been ages.
I kept waking uo, looking around, and didnt recognize the room i spend the last 2months in. took me ages. I was like, thinking "Oh fuck, what the hell have i done now? Where am i? What is my stuff doing here" And looked to the computer where tobias was and asked myself who the hell he was and he turned around so isaw his face but i still couldnt recognize him.
It happend about 3 times
And becus of my bloodpressure falls i get even more confused.
I think i took my meds twice today.
Im not sure. I just dont know what to do. All i can do really is to wait i guess.
Im very ambivalent about the whole hospitalthing tho. like always. Ill get really lonely and sad if i get comitted and ill be very upset and "punnish" the system by harming me if they wont commit me.
Idunno.
But i cant keep breaking stuff and i cant keep banging my head against the wall inffont of people.
I just wish I was good for him, I just wish I didnt make him upset all the time.
Its gonna be the first time without him 2 months, xcept when I was in the danish hospital, but then he could come visit evry day, now he cant.
I dont have anything nice to say so heres some pics befor this gets to heavy
whatever.
Tobias mum will drive me to Malm, where i'll get picked up by my mum and brother.
And all i can think about is, how can i hurt myself as much as possible during these 11h? Cus once im in the hospital, oh i juts realaized it never stopped me from hurting myself befor.
Im just kinda wondering how long ill stay.
Oh and the bathroom is calling my name, thats where all the good stuff is, the razors and the liquidnozinan that he made me drink once.
I know we shouldnt share eachoters medecins, but if im out im out, if im in need im in need, i guess.
I cant talk to anyone about how i feel, like, go into details, cus theres this wall inside of me.And It only ends with people getting really upset and worried, cus usually i can tell them HOW i feel, but not WHY, and then im just being told off, yelled at, fucked over, and left crying alone.
Im just so fucking scared. All the time, i dont know how long i can take this.
And yeah as i said im out of medecines u take in need, xcept one brand of sleepingpills wich leaves u with a horrible taste in your mouth. its a good pill, but i think i over did it cus i wont fall asleep ftom it anymore.
Im having alot of thoughts about stuff that makes no sense, and pictures froim the outside are being shown in my head, like pictures of me dead on the bathroom floor, pictures where theres cut up bodyparts, or dead bodies that i cut in and no blood will run out and pictures of featuses that opens their eyes and screams.
theres alot of crazy shit in my head. The voices are still not yelling tho, must have been ages.
I kept waking uo, looking around, and didnt recognize the room i spend the last 2months in. took me ages. I was like, thinking "Oh fuck, what the hell have i done now? Where am i? What is my stuff doing here" And looked to the computer where tobias was and asked myself who the hell he was and he turned around so isaw his face but i still couldnt recognize him.
It happend about 3 times
And becus of my bloodpressure falls i get even more confused.
I think i took my meds twice today.
Im not sure. I just dont know what to do. All i can do really is to wait i guess.
Im very ambivalent about the whole hospitalthing tho. like always. Ill get really lonely and sad if i get comitted and ill be very upset and "punnish" the system by harming me if they wont commit me.
Idunno.
But i cant keep breaking stuff and i cant keep banging my head against the wall inffont of people.
I just wish I was good for him, I just wish I didnt make him upset all the time.
Its gonna be the first time without him 2 months, xcept when I was in the danish hospital, but then he could come visit evry day, now he cant.
I dont have anything nice to say so heres some pics befor this gets to heavy
whatever.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
deathbyopus:
good luck sweetie, hang in there
fredricka:
Da har vi noe til felles. Jeg er ogs innlagt igjen. Har vrt det siden oktober. Det er derfor jeg har begynt skrive litt p SG igjen, for ha noe gjre. Det kan sikkert vre godt for deg med et sykehusopphold, men jeg kjenner igjen den ambivalente flelsen: Nr man er drlig og ingen forstr at man trenger en innleggelse fler man seg avvist og nr man frst er inne p sykehuset vil man bare ut igjen. h, jeg skulle nske jeg kunne si noe som kunne ftt deg til fle deg bedre, men jeg vet bare ikke hva. Det enste jeg kan er nske deg lykke til.