berlinn

So the love is beginning to turn to hate...

and I believe this is a good thing.I can not just be friends with him.I wish i could because i don't not want him in my life.But its just impossible.In the back of my mind i'm always going to be wondering, and wishing, maybe there will be someway for us to be together. and the seriously could if i wasnt in love with a selfish, lazy, child..

I'm FINALLY realizing that i cannot continue doing this to myself. it seriously was driving me insane...

we were in love. He had to move. the love never died (or maybe it just hasnt for me) and that is what I am now beginning to think..

I mean he'd text me every now and again. call me occasionally when he was in town but not really make an attempt to see me (until a few weekends ago). The only communication we have is through aim and even in that case he'll only really have a decent conversation with me if hes the one who ims me first. If im the one to make the first move. forget it. i only get a few yes or no answers and one-liners...

a few weeks ago he really was dying to see me. and i thought maybe something would come of it. it was silly of me to think this. but talking to him so much really reminded me of old times..when he was the one doing the chasing..

He tells me he hates it where hes living now. he hardly ever goes out. the people there are beat. there is nothing going on with him and that girl, they are just friends, and he could have her if he wanted her but its not like that(which i thought was the most conceaded thing ive ever heard come out of his mouth)...Then we *see each other, happy happy blah blah, i always read your myspace surveys hoping i'm in them, blah blah blah i'm so emo, sleep together, amazing, kissy kissy, cuddle, smiles in the morning*.. Then the whole next week he's iming me all flirty all happy.. then that weekend he goes out and has a grand old time in his new town..

Me: and you said you never have any fun there..
Him: well i never did untill now

what the fuck is that. Now every weekend is a fun weekend and in my Psychotic head i'm thinking "it took sleeping with me one more time for him to realize that"..i dont know i think that i think too much.. I just hate games.. and thats what this whole relationship has been even since day one. even when we were together. one huge mind game.. and i have to resign..

not to sound like a total bitch on this one-but i am SOO much better than him.. and a lot better looking. lotsss. soo much

the thing was he always wanted to be with me.. ever since he met me three years ago, even when he had a girlfriend, and i never saw anything in him. i thought he was a dirtbag. then something happened... and i never in a million years would have thought i would be the one chasing him..

hes probably going to call me one of the next times hes in jersey but i can't just have casual sex with someone i cared soo much about. i tried. thought i could. but i really can't obviously because this is what it does to me. I'm glad we did the other weekend but i think i've had enough ::god its so hard though when your as horney as i am and get such little ass as i do::: hahah. but im seriously gonna try...

I have to somehow find it in me to just delete him...