i've had a bad couple weeks, and not really a couple weeks, just a few days that turned the last few weeks into not so pleasurable ones.
i have a livejournal and a myspace, but those are usually read by the person that helped to make these last few weeks so bad, and i told her i wouldn't talk about it on there anymore. so i guess i'll vent here.
on the third of march i went to abilene, tx, to pick up my girlfriend sara. we came back to houston so she could help me pack and move, i came back to abilene. we spent the weekend in houston and had fun. on the 6th we came back to abilene, and i officially lived here again. i'd been worrying that as soon as i moved back that her and i would break up. we started dating four days before i moved to houston, which was the beginning of september and had been having a long distance relationship since then.
she told me on the 13th that something felt wrong, but by that night we were fine. she came up to the store to get her charger during the day, and at this point she hadn't told me what was wrong, and i thought we were going to break up, well she came up with some guy i'd never seen before. so i associated him with whatever was wrong. i spent a night with her, and after worrying all day that she was going to leave me, i broke down. i left her bed, went into the living room and sat there and cried, it was just, you know, too much for me. something was horribly wrong at the beginning of the day and now everything's okay, and i had no clue what was happening. i asked her, after she came in, 'do you still care about me, do you still love me, do you still want to be with me" as three seperate questions, to all of which she said 'i do' and we were fine for the next two days. though she hung out with that guy each night, his name is jose.
i told her on the 14th that for some reason i was worried about jose. the whole time i was in houston, i didn't worry about her cheating on me or leaving me, but he made me worry. and she still hung out with him. she was even telling someone that she was worried about me and my current boss (whom i used to have something for, but not anymore) so i told her that i would quit working there just so she wouldn't have to worry. she was unwilling to make that same sacrifice, apparently.
on monday and tuesday she left me waiting until one and two a.m. before coming over or giving me a call. and i knew she had been hanging out with jose.
on wednesday night she gave me a call, saying she was being kicked out of her house, i had my phone off so i didn't get the call until about two a.m. when i randomly woke up and checked. i called her back and she didn't answer. i called her twice more on thursday morning, but she still didn't answer. i went looking for her to see if she was alright. i went to her house and her mom told me how she came home after curfew (sara 18 and still lives at home), with jose, and then left again, which started the huge fight between them (her and her mom always fight). sara came back with someone, got her stuff, and left. i tried to get a hold of her all day, asking friends if they'd seen her, knew if she was alright and to have her call me, which she should of done anyway.
i tried to contact her through the next few days, through myspace, since her mom had turned off her phone. she'd reply once and wouldn't really tell me anything, saying she needed to figure somethings out.
one friday, the 17th, my grandma died. i call where i knew sara was staying and asked them to have her call me, i needed her comfort. she didn't call.
she mailed me on the 18th and broke up with me.
sunday the 19th was my birthday.
and through the next week we've sent emails, me trying to figure out what was happening. i asked her if there was anything between her and jose. i told her that i was in love with her, which i am. but she was telling me she didn't want to be with anyone.
i still check her myspace, i tell myself it's to see how she's doing, but i think i'm really just trying to find out if her and jose are dating. a couple days after we broke up, they were sending messages that would really imply that they are. i took her off my friends list, and she took down my photo. she put up a picture of him and he put up a picture of them kissing. she had told me there was nothing between them, and i told myself i believed it, i read what they had been posting and i told myself i believed her still. i saw the picture and i asked her if i should still believe her.
through all this she was saying she lost trust in me because i had talked to people about what was going on. when she first said that to me, the most i had said was, "have you seen sara? the last person i know she'd been seen with was jose" every other thing i'd said was asking if anyone had seen her or knew if she was okay. but she lost trust in me because of that, apparently.
i think now that she was 'worried' about miranda and i because of what was going on between her and jose. accuse the person you're betraying of what you're doing, it's a good defense.
and i'm heart broken. i've been in denial, i was angry, now i'm just sad. i had one night where i was really okay, just happy for no reason, i'd realized that nothing i did could of resulted in this, and that feeling was completely gone the next day.
i just miss her.
and now i'm missing out on another girl, a girl that i've liked before and that has liked me. because it would be wrong to date her when i still love sara so much. i don't particularly like her right now, but i can't get over how much i love her.
we're not talking right now, i have a problem with going from being in a relationship to being just friends, like she wanted. and i told her goodbye several times, which i meant, but she'd send me a message or i would send her one. i would tell her i couldn't talk to her, and even though we were both replying to each other, she's tired of me telling her that. so we haven't talked in a week now. and i honestly don't really want to talk to her. like i said, i don't like her too much right now, she made me feel like what i was doing is what was breaking us up, and i realize that that's wrong. i tried to talk to her, i let her know how much i loved her, and i even quit that job (even though i'm back there again) to show her i wouldn't let anything get inbetween us. i believe something was already between us, and there's nothing i could've done about it.
the main thing that makes this hard is, she doesn't like people talking about 'her business' (maybe because people will see just how wrong it was for her to do all this like she did) so while i was still wanting to talk to her, i told her i wouldn't talk about it anymore, that she'd be able to see everything i posted on my lj and myspace, so i could start to re-earn her trust. i promised her, and i don't like to break my promises. she expects me not to talk to other people about it, but she won't talk to me about it, so what am i supposed to do? i can't just keep all this inside, i lost my grandma (and i've barely mentioned that, how horrible is that, that i'm stuck on sara leaving me when my grandma died?) and i lost the girl that i love, and i'm not supposed to talk about it to anyone?
well, it just feels kind of good to get this out there again. i can't talk with her about it, and i told her i wouldn't talk about it, so it's built up in me some.
i miss her. even though i know what she's lied to me about, and how hypocritical she's been through all of this, i still love her.
through all this i haven't been able to eat, so i've lost about ten pounds. i'm not exactly fat, i can't afford to lose too much weight.
i have a livejournal and a myspace, but those are usually read by the person that helped to make these last few weeks so bad, and i told her i wouldn't talk about it on there anymore. so i guess i'll vent here.
on the third of march i went to abilene, tx, to pick up my girlfriend sara. we came back to houston so she could help me pack and move, i came back to abilene. we spent the weekend in houston and had fun. on the 6th we came back to abilene, and i officially lived here again. i'd been worrying that as soon as i moved back that her and i would break up. we started dating four days before i moved to houston, which was the beginning of september and had been having a long distance relationship since then.
she told me on the 13th that something felt wrong, but by that night we were fine. she came up to the store to get her charger during the day, and at this point she hadn't told me what was wrong, and i thought we were going to break up, well she came up with some guy i'd never seen before. so i associated him with whatever was wrong. i spent a night with her, and after worrying all day that she was going to leave me, i broke down. i left her bed, went into the living room and sat there and cried, it was just, you know, too much for me. something was horribly wrong at the beginning of the day and now everything's okay, and i had no clue what was happening. i asked her, after she came in, 'do you still care about me, do you still love me, do you still want to be with me" as three seperate questions, to all of which she said 'i do' and we were fine for the next two days. though she hung out with that guy each night, his name is jose.
i told her on the 14th that for some reason i was worried about jose. the whole time i was in houston, i didn't worry about her cheating on me or leaving me, but he made me worry. and she still hung out with him. she was even telling someone that she was worried about me and my current boss (whom i used to have something for, but not anymore) so i told her that i would quit working there just so she wouldn't have to worry. she was unwilling to make that same sacrifice, apparently.
on monday and tuesday she left me waiting until one and two a.m. before coming over or giving me a call. and i knew she had been hanging out with jose.
on wednesday night she gave me a call, saying she was being kicked out of her house, i had my phone off so i didn't get the call until about two a.m. when i randomly woke up and checked. i called her back and she didn't answer. i called her twice more on thursday morning, but she still didn't answer. i went looking for her to see if she was alright. i went to her house and her mom told me how she came home after curfew (sara 18 and still lives at home), with jose, and then left again, which started the huge fight between them (her and her mom always fight). sara came back with someone, got her stuff, and left. i tried to get a hold of her all day, asking friends if they'd seen her, knew if she was alright and to have her call me, which she should of done anyway.
i tried to contact her through the next few days, through myspace, since her mom had turned off her phone. she'd reply once and wouldn't really tell me anything, saying she needed to figure somethings out.
one friday, the 17th, my grandma died. i call where i knew sara was staying and asked them to have her call me, i needed her comfort. she didn't call.
she mailed me on the 18th and broke up with me.
sunday the 19th was my birthday.
and through the next week we've sent emails, me trying to figure out what was happening. i asked her if there was anything between her and jose. i told her that i was in love with her, which i am. but she was telling me she didn't want to be with anyone.
i still check her myspace, i tell myself it's to see how she's doing, but i think i'm really just trying to find out if her and jose are dating. a couple days after we broke up, they were sending messages that would really imply that they are. i took her off my friends list, and she took down my photo. she put up a picture of him and he put up a picture of them kissing. she had told me there was nothing between them, and i told myself i believed it, i read what they had been posting and i told myself i believed her still. i saw the picture and i asked her if i should still believe her.
through all this she was saying she lost trust in me because i had talked to people about what was going on. when she first said that to me, the most i had said was, "have you seen sara? the last person i know she'd been seen with was jose" every other thing i'd said was asking if anyone had seen her or knew if she was okay. but she lost trust in me because of that, apparently.
i think now that she was 'worried' about miranda and i because of what was going on between her and jose. accuse the person you're betraying of what you're doing, it's a good defense.
and i'm heart broken. i've been in denial, i was angry, now i'm just sad. i had one night where i was really okay, just happy for no reason, i'd realized that nothing i did could of resulted in this, and that feeling was completely gone the next day.
i just miss her.
and now i'm missing out on another girl, a girl that i've liked before and that has liked me. because it would be wrong to date her when i still love sara so much. i don't particularly like her right now, but i can't get over how much i love her.
we're not talking right now, i have a problem with going from being in a relationship to being just friends, like she wanted. and i told her goodbye several times, which i meant, but she'd send me a message or i would send her one. i would tell her i couldn't talk to her, and even though we were both replying to each other, she's tired of me telling her that. so we haven't talked in a week now. and i honestly don't really want to talk to her. like i said, i don't like her too much right now, she made me feel like what i was doing is what was breaking us up, and i realize that that's wrong. i tried to talk to her, i let her know how much i loved her, and i even quit that job (even though i'm back there again) to show her i wouldn't let anything get inbetween us. i believe something was already between us, and there's nothing i could've done about it.
the main thing that makes this hard is, she doesn't like people talking about 'her business' (maybe because people will see just how wrong it was for her to do all this like she did) so while i was still wanting to talk to her, i told her i wouldn't talk about it anymore, that she'd be able to see everything i posted on my lj and myspace, so i could start to re-earn her trust. i promised her, and i don't like to break my promises. she expects me not to talk to other people about it, but she won't talk to me about it, so what am i supposed to do? i can't just keep all this inside, i lost my grandma (and i've barely mentioned that, how horrible is that, that i'm stuck on sara leaving me when my grandma died?) and i lost the girl that i love, and i'm not supposed to talk about it to anyone?
well, it just feels kind of good to get this out there again. i can't talk with her about it, and i told her i wouldn't talk about it, so it's built up in me some.
i miss her. even though i know what she's lied to me about, and how hypocritical she's been through all of this, i still love her.
through all this i haven't been able to eat, so i've lost about ten pounds. i'm not exactly fat, i can't afford to lose too much weight.