bennybum

Am I still in love, or am i simply using the ordeal in an attempt to justify never letting my defences down and as the reason why I am allowing myself to drift further away from what is me and what I've worked hard to create. My being, soul and mind have slowly unravelled over the last year or so, and now, at my final piece of thread I find myself pondering unanswerable questions that could only ever be approximated and estimated - never a certain, fact based solution. I'm asking myself that important question, am I still in love with her or am i holding on to the idea of still being in love with her.

I do love her, I feel, but I believe since the events that, then, destroyed both of our lives I have come to view her in a different light and that light is not one of a girlfriend or future wife but more of a friend with an unpleasant selfish streak. Perhaps I do use what occurred between us as mostly a justification to why my barrier is always up and securely locked in place in anything i do and anyone I meet witnesses this first hand, sure they try to shake it lose and reveal what's beneath, so far, no one has succeeded. My confidence remains shattered, there's no help on how to pick up the shards of your self-esteem and piece it together, it is something you can only do by yourself and something that comes to you only when your ready. I must not be ready.

This damage affects every facet of my daily life, my thought process is a constantly polluted stream of vile, vicious, nagging questions that eat away at everyone else's and my own personal sincerity. I can see why people might not think any more than 'a vacuous shell of misery' of me and my manner.




More pics here.