benni

there are moments of shame... moments of guilt and of sorrow welling in my throat when i look at all my failings...

one after another after another...

its almost beautiful in that i see them coming, gaping holes at my feet, but i fall in anyways, aware...

that this thing im doing is the wrong thing.

its hard to fix failure; repetitive failure, breaking you down and chipping away at you and stealng the best pieces of yourself to claim as its own...

pieces that dont ever come back.

a full moon brought out the bad ones, and i could see it in me, too.

bit me so hard i cried; violated me a way that no one deserves; scathingly wrong, apologetic perversion... fuck you, get out get out get out...

there is too much room in my head for thinking. trying so hard to push it out... but it just doesnt want to go...

peace comes with a price; freedoms lost and individuality gone, but finally a way...

to lock myself in...

an excuse to disappear...

something to work at, to strive for....

my dreams have been so bad they wake me in the night.... over and over again, bolt upright in bed, my heart in my throat and my breath coming in shallow gasps...

but i cant.. remember... what was wrong...

these images have gotten so much worse.

i need a blade to cut you out.

im tired.