benni

so much to do... so fucking much to do. and i know it. and i know my time limitations. and what do i do? lie in bed for 14 hours, tossing, in a bizarre limbo of sleep awake, dead alive. bad pictures flitting across my eyelids, eyes open, look at the clock, fuck gotta get up... eyes closed.

queen procrastination returns. i will never finish everything i have to finish in time.

and, knowing that, here i sit.

phone... off. cant afford distractions tonight. probably wont help, but makes me feel like im putting forth some sort of effort.

ive been thinking a lot about people i havent seen in ages; friends who have drifted away or intentionally deserted. so many people that i knew who i dont know now...

like we somehow wandered into each others space on our way to somewhere else and then wandered back out again... raindrops in an evaporating puddle...

i hope everyone is still okay.

whatever that means.

thinking of sweet moments... thinking of unimaginable moments of pain that felt like they would never end... everything now distant memory.

i remember running out of my house barefoot, breaking glass... beautiful crystal... shattering it in the street at three a.m. to spite a boy who had broken me that night... shattered in the street into thousands of beautiful broken pieces, reflecting warm streetlight, tiny little glowing mirrors. and i took it all in, the sound as it exploded on the asphalt and the silence of the night except for that wonderful sound my breath coming in short gasps and hot tears blurring the scene to an indescernible one of light and dark and it was so cold...

and then i was bawling, full fledged, on my hands and knees picking up these shards of glass, these beautiful broken crystal shards and carrying them back inside cradled in my cupped hands while blood dripped between my fingers and i left wet red footprints in the grass...

i still have the pieces.

i keep everything.

i am affected by every person ive ever known.

today i miss my skin.